Page 38 of We Are the Stars

“Were you two close?”

My chest is hit with a familiar heavy weight. “She was my best friend.”

Elliott’s quiet for a couple minutes, and I appreciate the silence. It’s as if somehow she already understands when I need an emotional break from it all, a second to regain the strength I’m trying so hard to hold on to.

“I hate that she’s gone.”

“You say that with such conviction, but you didn’t even know her.”

Her profile is illuminated by the harmony light I put in, so I can see her soft smile. “I don’t have to have known her to hate that she’s gone. I can tell she was a great woman.”

“How so?”

“I can feel it. You speak of her with warmth, and any mom who has raised a son to talk so fondly of her after death warrants the ‘great’ title.”

I twist my lips up, trying to hide the smile threatening to overtake my face. It’s a hard feat, but I do it, because I don’t want Elliott to see how much I like her words. It feels…silly, like I’m a dog anticipating the treat in my owner’s outstretched hand, the one I’m getting for being a good boy. I can feel my figurative tail wagging back and forth at how excited I am to receive the praise.

Makes me feel pathetic. And normal.

Only I’m far from normal. Normal ran out the door and didn’t look back years ago. Now all I have is anger and this gray world.

I lie back on the blanket and stare up at the stars; Elliott follows my movements. Folding my hands under my head, I listen to the sounds around me: the water lapping on the shore of the nearby lake, insects speaking their own language, the rustle of squirrels playing in nearby trees. The loudest one of all? My own heartbeat. If I can hear it like I can, there’s no doubt Elliott does too.

“Did you have a good life? You know, before?”

I should be upset she thinks it’s okay to ask me such a personal question, yet I’m not. I’m oddly okay with it. It feels almost natural coming from her.

I don’t know how to feel about that.

“It wasn’t all bad.” I sigh. “Had good friends. I was eighteen, so the world was at my fingertips. College was on the horizon, had a steady girlfriend…it was all in place. Then it wasn’t.”

“What college?”

“UMass Boston. I ended up deferring a year. By then everything was absolute shit so I enrolled online at Amherst.”

“Did you decide to go online because…”

“Because everyone pinned me for the murder? Yeah. I could hardly go up to the local market and grab groceries without being yelled at or having things thrown at me. It was horrible. Still is. People have calmed down with the shouting and tossing things, but you can feel the room shift temperature any time I walk in.”

“It blows my mind I never knew about you until…”

“You Googled me?” I supply.

“Yeah. That.” I canhearthe blush in her voice. “I was away at college. UMass Boston, actually. I guess because so much crap happens in the city it wasn’t as big of a buzz there as it was here in a small town, and my family isveryagainst smack-talking and spreading rumors, so they never spoke of it when I came home. It was never on my radar.” She pauses before saying, “Youwere never on it.”

“I’m glad I wasn’t on your radar. That wasn’t a good time for me.”

“No?”

“No.”

“How’d you end up here in Wakefield? I mean, it’s not all that far from Boston—that’s where you grew up, right?”

“Right. This is where Ma’s from. We had a house out here, and it felt better than being in the city, more welcoming.” A heavy feeling settles in my chest when I think back on all the crap I’ve endured since the murder. “Guess I was wrong though.”

“What’s your major?” she asks before the conversation gets too dark.

“Human Services. I want to be able to help people.”

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