Page 29 of We Are the Stars

Me:Do you always use such big words? Does it make you feel smarter? Think it gives you an edge?

Carsen:It’s how I talk. Wasn’t aware it was a bad thing.

Me:It’s not. It’s…

Carsen:You don’t expect it from me because I’m a heathen, murdering dickhead?

That didn’t take long at all.Another mark for anti-Carsen.

Me:Wow. Took the words right out of my mouth.

Carsen:Bad joke?

Me:Was that really a joke?

A box floats across the screen, indicating he’s typing. The dancing dots then stop, only to return a few seconds later.

Carsen:No. It was me being an ass.

Me:Again.

Carsen:Again.

I begin typing a snarky response, but the dots appear again, so I backspace, curious what he’s going to say.

It takes a full two minutes before my phone vibrates in my hand twice, and suddenly I’m nervous to look at what he’s typed.

Carsen:I’m going to be honest here: this isn’t the last time I’ll screw up. It’s almost part of my MO at this point. (Though I don’t believe I, a person accused of murder and all, should use words like MO, but this conversation calls for it. I think.) I know what happened to me or what I’m still going through doesn’t excuse my behavior, but…shit. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Carsen:I wasn’t always this way. It was different…before. I try to keep my anger in check. I do…things to calm my anger and my… Anyway. I wish I could take back my borderline violent actions today, my clipped words, but I can’t. I CAN own up to them and apologize. So, again, I’m sorry. I need to stop thinking everyone is out to get me, because that’s not always the case. (In my defense, it usually is.)

He wrote me a novel I wasn’t prepared for, an apology and a confession of sorts. Is it therapy he’s referring to? I hope so. I’m certain that after all he’s been through, he needs it, needs someone unbiased to talk to.

Me:Your anger and…? What else?

Carsen:You still have a job. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Me:You didn’t tell Bryan I assaulted you?

Carsen:You didn’t tell him I was a complete ass to you, so no. Secret’s safe.

Me:Well…thank you. I suppose.

Carsen:It was the least I could do. Besides, I doubt he would have fired you. Probably would have high-fived you or something.

Me:Yeah, that does sound like Bryan.

He leaves the conversation there, but it doesn’t escape my notice that he dodged my question. I want to know what else he was referring to.

Me:Carsen?

Carsen:Yeah?

Me:Can you tell me what the ‘and’ was?

Carsen:I could, but I won’t.

Me:Smartass.

---