Page 25 of Here's to Now

“Oh?”

“Oh,” she repeats.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Are we going to parrot each other all night?”

She shakes her head, her bun bobbing as she burrows into the pillow, hiding her face and inevitable blush. “No.” It comes out muffled. “Do you think I’m nuts?”

“Do you thinkI’mnuts for coming?”

Haley peeks up at me again, her green eyes lit with unheard laughter. “No, Polly, I don’t think you’re nuts.”

“Same to you.” I smile at her, trying to relieve her of her embarrassment. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“I’ve invited you into my bed. You can tell me anything.”

I know her words are just surface fillers, but I can’t help how they try to burrow themselves inside me and fill in the holes I have, the urges that lurk just under the surface, the ones that scream at me to open up to people, to not feed them bullshit, to be honest.

For the first time, I let the words fill the holes.

“I’m really nervous right now.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t need to add a new friend into all the shit that’s going on in my life.”

A frown lines her pink lips. “Gaige…”

“Hang on,” I interrupt. “I also need to start doing something for myself for a change, start stepping outside this box I’ve seemed to put myself into. So, here I am. In a stranger’s—”

“Acquaintance’s…”

“—bed, and this better be the best night’s sleep ever or you’ll be sorely disappointing, Nikki.”

She laughs. I like the sound, and I like her so far. It feels easy to be around her since I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me. I could build a friendship with her that’s not based on the man I was but the man I am now.

Fuck me if that doesn’t sound nice.

And before you freak out, that’s not me dissing on my friends. Though I’d never admit this out loud, I love Hudson and Tucker like my own brothers. But, our friendship is tainted by my past. They know all my dirty secrets—well,almostall of them. Still, it’s different with them. I’m Gaige Addams, responsible older brother, hard worker, sarcastic asshole, dependable. I’m not Gaige Addams, the abandoner, the flake, the criminal, and just straight-up asshole. I’m none of those things to them, even though it’s a part of me that’s buried inside. Parts of me they know about. Parts of me they claim to look past and not judge, but it’s always lurked in my mind:what if they do?Even if in just some small capacity, what if they see him too?

I want, just for a little bit, to be able to bury him. To lock up the criminal in me, shove the flake into a nailed-shut box, and conceal all the asshole tendencies I have. To have someone look at me differently in a good way. This friendship with Haley allows me that.

God, it’s pitiful. I’m not just the guy who discarded his family, I’m also the guy who was dumb enough to get caught up in too many illegal things to count. I’m a sad waste of space.

“Gaige?” she says, and I silently thank her for pulling me from my head. It’s a dark and scary place that drags me under too often.

“Yeah?”

“I’m nervous too.”

“That’s surprisingly relieving,” I say quietly.

She shuffles, reaching over to flip the switch to the only light in the room. We’re bathed in blackness. My nerves skyrocket. I’m doing this. I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this.

I twitch when her cold hands meet my hot, clammy skin. Her touch is hesitant, shy. I can feel her hands tremble slightly, and I refuse to pass judgment on it. She wraps her hand around my arm, tugging herself closer to me. On instinct, I lift my arm, and Haley snuggles tighter to me like she did last night.

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