Page 114 of Here's to Now

Have you ever had something happen that’s so horrible you pretend it’s all just a dream? You push it aside and continue to forge ahead. You don’t think about it. You sure don’t talk about it. You simply…pretend. If you tell yourself enough times that it never happened, then by some fucking miracle, it didn’t.

That’s where I am right now.

It’s been over a week—a miserable one—since I lost it all.

Haley, my family, my future—everything. It all went right down the fucking drain.

The worst part? I let it happen when I just stood there like a goddamn idiot. I didn’t say anything as Mercy made her final decision, didn’t put up a fight. I didn’t utter a peep when Haley badgered me with questions or when she walked away from us.

But, since I’ve been telling myself otherwise, that day didn’t happen. I’m still Gaige. I still work at Jacked Up and I still spend my nights delivering pizzas. I still live with Tucker and I still scowl.

I’m still me.

Only I’m not.

Because I feel nothing…and everything.

Pain bounces around every inch of my body even though I was never physically struck. It ping-pongs around, gripping my heart every minute of every day, squeezing it until I can no longer breathe and it’s all I can focus on. Then, I fight it, not with fists, but with distractions.

Work, work, home.

Vodka.

Work, work, home.

Whiskey.

Work, work, home.

Sleep.

That’s my pattern. That’s how I’ve been living this last week.

If you can even call it living.

“Hey, man. How you holding up today?”

“I think I’m still drunk.”

“Drunk? It’s like”—Hudson checks the watch on his wrist—“eight AM. How is that even possible?”

“I didn’t sleep last night. I drank.”

He takes a step closer to me. I back away. “Did you drive?”

“No, fucker. I’m notthatstupid. I walked.”

“You walked all the way here this morning?”

“No.” I run a cloth over the headlight I just screwed back in. “I walked all night.”

“What!”

His voice reverberates through my head, bouncing off every bad thing swimming around in there. It’s loud and it hurts. “Do you have to fucking yell?”

“Yes, I do have to fucking yell,” he hisses. “Get your sorry excuse for an employee ass into my office.Now.”

Throwing the rag down, I kick over one of my many toolboxes as I follow behind my overly sensitive boss. Maddox throws me a look and I flip him off.Screw you and screw Hudson too.I’m in no fucking mood for any of this shit today. I’m drunk. I’m angry. I’m in so much goddamn pain it hurts to even think about doing anything other than opening my eyes.

---