Page 85 of Here's to Now

“I want to. I really do. But, shit, Hales, it hurts.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…didn’t mean to—”

“I was busted for possession,” I interrupt her, needing to get it out before I chicken out and don’t ever tell her shit. “It was minor, just some pot. I got mouthy with a cop while they were questioning us about the overdose so he got pissed, searched me, and found a joint. One single joint. Fuck!”

The outburst is loud, and the inside of the small car vibrates as I begin to shake with anger. I catch my eyes in the mirror. Usually a darker brown, they now appear to be almost black. My equally dark hair his disheveled, leading me to believe I’ve been raking my hands through it unconsciously. I flash my eyes to Haley to find her gaze wild and frightened. Somewhere inside me I know that’s bad and I should reach out and reassure her, but I can’t. I’m too amped up right now. I have yet to forgive myself for being a complete fucking moron all those years ago, for letting something as stupid and trivial as a joint turn my entire world on its ass.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Selfish, immature moron!

Haley reaches over and lays a gentle hand on mine.Peace.It’s what I feel inside me when she touches me. Every messed up thought, every speck of anger, it all simply floats away.

Right now is no different.

“I was hauled into the station, a place I’d already been a few times in my short life.” Her eyes light up at this news. “All minor. Mostly shoplifting.” She nods. “Anyway, I’m cuffed to this officer’s desk, not the one who brought me in but another guy, some douche assigned to desk duty. The office is buzzing. Apparently as soon as we walked in, there was a massive car accident over on Eighth and they needed as many hands as possible to help keep the growing crowd in check. It was…”

Feeling suffocated, I abruptly throw open my door and stumble out. Just like every time I let a little glimpse of that night slip through a crack in my carefully locked up memory, I get dizzy and disoriented. I blunder around the street, knowing I look drunk or high or completely messed up.

And I am messed up, on the inside. I don’t talk about that night. I don’t discuss what happened after I found the dead kid in my bathroom. I don’t tell anyone how I ruined the lives of seven people. I don’t think about it—at all. Bringing it up so often these last few weeks isreallystarting to get to me. I can feel the fissures in my carefully created sense of calm turning into hollow holes, opening up space for the pain and anger to flow out.

Back and forth, back and forth. I pace a path in front the restaurant, sucking in large gulps of air, trying to get myself calmed down. I narrowly avoid getting plowed over by a passing car, but I’m in such a daze I don’t care. I need to breathe and…

I

Wheeze.

Can’t.

Wheeze.

Breathe.

Wheeze.

“Gaige!”

I hear it. Physically, I fucking hear her call my name, but I don’t listen. I continue to walk, continue to try to shove away my thoughts.

Step. Step. Step.

I move hard and fast, my feet pounding into the pavement. I don’t know where I’m going or why I’m walking so swiftly, but I have to get away from—

SLAM!

My knees hit the concrete and I drop my head into my hands. The burning sensation in my lungs starts to subside. The pounding in my head dissipates. Everything…dwindles.

Glancing up at the street sign lining the corner, I notice where I am.

Eighth Street.

My shoulders sag with guilt. My world stops spinning. Everything gets quiet, then loud all at once…or maybe that’s the rapid click-clack of someone following me. Glancing behind me, I see Haley with her arms around herself, trying to create some friction to heat up her exposed skin.

She’s cold. I’m overheated.

She looks confused. I’m a sad fragment of a broken man.

I’m also a fucking asshole so caught up in whatever’s stuck in my mind, I left her. Then I kept walking away. Somehow, I ended up here.

Rushing to her, I wrap her in my embrace. She falls into me and begins to sob quietly. I lightly rub her back, trying to soothe her cries. I pull back and tilt her face upward toward mine.

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