Page 75 of Here's to Now

“She’s your friend, Hales. Maybe that’s not what it’s about.”

“That’s what it seems like,” she says quietly, a touch of sadness in her voice. “I’m worried that’s what it’s always going to feel like.”

“Always? Why?”

She’s quiet, so quiet I have to check and make sure our call didn’t disconnect.Nope, she’s still there.I pull the phone back up to my ear and sit in the silence with her. Whatever it is, she needs a minute to work through it, and that’s okay. I’ll give it to her. Hell, if she needed to sit here for hours in silence, I’d sit with her; she means that much to me.

“I-I…had cancer.”

My world stops spinning. Cancer? Haley? No. There’s no fucking way. How is that even possible? She’s so…young. Young people don’t get cancer. They don’t have to go through all that. They…Fucking hell.Who am I kidding? I’ve seen one too many Facebook videos of children getting their wish granted, only to get an update weeks later of their passing. Cancer eats away at our world slowly and painfully. Anyone can have cancer, but I never thoughtHaleywould.

How in the fuck did I not know about this? She’s been in my life for over a year. How is it even possible information like this has never come up?

“I’m okay now, mostly.”

Relief floods me, but only until the last word registers… “Mostly?”

“The chances of me ever having children are slim.”

“How… I…” I can’t form a complete sentence to save my life.

She blows out a heavy breath. I can tell this is hard for her to talk about, but I’m curious. I’d have never guessed she’d had something so serious happen to her.

“It was cervical cancer. It’s statistically rarer for woman my age to get it, but it does happen. I was diagnosed three years ago. Everything happened really fast, like within six months. I had a radical trachelectomy.”

“I have no idea what that means.”My first full sentence in minutes—high five!

She laughs, only it’s humorless. “It means I had some parts of me removed and I’m a hell of a lot less likely to be able to carry to full term safely.”

I remember how she cried the first night I met her over “life”. My throat clogs up and tears threaten. She was so broken that night, but she tried to put on a brave face and be excited for her best friend’s pregnancy. I bet that had to kill her on the inside, pretending to be so happy on the outside. Admiration fills me. She’s brave, a lot braver than most people are. “I… Crap. I honestly have no idea what to say right now.”

“Most people don’t.”

“Is that why you started the daycare?” I ask, thinking of how difficult it has to be to face that daily…or maybe she did itbecauseof the risks she faces with pregnancy.

“Actually, in a strange twist of fate, that was already in the works.”

“It’s amazing how life works sometimes.”Wait.“No, sorry. I don’t mean amazing. I’m not saying your cancer is amazing. I’m saying—”

“I get it,” she interrupts, saving me from further embarrassing myself. “I consider myself lucky because I have the daycare. I love children, always have. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who walks away from the opportunity to have a family, someone who just leaves their kid. I can’t even imagine doing that. I’ve wanted a horde of my own since I was young and babysat for practically the entire neighborhood. It guts me to think about.”

My stomach drops. Bile rises in my throat. My body begins to ache.

I did that. I gave that up. What we could have, it’s over—or never going to happen. Whatever. There’s no way she’ll forgive that.

You’re going to end up hating me,is what I want to tell her…what I should tell her. I need to back away from this right now before we get in any deeper.

I fear it’s too late though.

“A horde, huh?” I tease instead.

“Something like that,” she says absently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call and dump all my problems onto you.”

“Don’t ever apologize for sharing yourself, not to me, Haley. I love learning more about you. I’m sorry I can’t be there to cure you of your boredom.”

“You’re a good friend, Gaige.” Right.Friend. Whatever it is we have is more than a friendship, no matter how much we pretend it isn’t. We’re tied together with an invisible string, and I’ve never been pulled so tightly to someone before.

Careful, Gaige, a taut string is likely to break.

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