Page 44 of Here's to Now

I steel my jaw, biting back words I want to throw out so badly. Opening my eyes, I stare over at him. “Is that what Mercy says? Is that where you heard that from?”

When he doesn’t answer, I know it’s true.

“Awesome.” Only it’s not awesome. It’s so fucking far from awesome. Great to know my aunt badmouths me to my siblings when I’m not around. Glad I’m only seen for my past and not my present or future in her eyes.

Just fucking awesome.

Graham shuffles around some then sighs. “Is that not the truth?”

“No. Yes. No. I don’t know, kid. I really don’t. Did I mess up? Yes. Did I hurt a lot of people? Yes. Do I regret it? More than you can imagine.” He meets my stare, his hard eyes softening just the slightest. “But am I still that person? No. Not even a little bit. And I haven’t been him in a long time.”

He’s quiet as he looks away, his lips pursing together. He picks at his pants again. I notice then it’s a habit of his, always having something for his hands to do.

Huh.

“Crowds.” The sudden noise causes me to jump. It’s only a whisper, but it seems so loud, speaks volumes. “Crowds make me feel like I’m…suffocating.”

My throat works double time to get rid of the lump suddenly lodged in it. I can’t let him know how much him talking to me, opening up, is affecting me; I don’t want to scare him away. I push everything to the side and approach this separately, not giving anything away.

“Do you have to find somewhere quiet to be able to breathe again?”

“Every time,” he answers right away.

If I were standing, I’d stagger backward at the way he’s speaking so freely right now. “Ya know,” I begin. “I used to have these…moments too.” I stop myself with a small laugh. “Used to. That’s a lie. Istillhave them. They’re just a lot less frequent now and not as…big.” He’s staring up at me with curiosity. “They were pretty bad. It was like everything was happening at once. I could simultaneously hear every conversation around me. Then I’d get these spots in my eyes, like my vision couldn’t keep up with the voices, as if the two had something to do with one another. Then the spins started. Slowly but surely, I’d start to feel like I was just swinging around in a circle, no real direction or destination. If I didn’t find somewhere to sit down and ground myself to at that point, it was going to be a bad day.”

Graham blinks, and then shakes his head a bit, turning away from me. “That’s what it’s like for me too,” he whispers quietly.

I nudge him with my arm. “I figured, kid. We’re a lot alike.”

“Not sure I want to be like you.” It was quiet, but he said it.

“Based off what? What Mercy’s told you? That’s not fair. You should probably learn now to not base your judgments of people off other people’s opinions. That’s an unfair way to live life. You’re not only cutting yourself out of the lives of great people, but you’re also cutting them off from you.”

He doesn’t move the entire time I’m talking, but I can see the words sink into him…I think. When all he does is scoff and give a stiff nod, I’m sure I’ve lost him.

He stands abruptly, wiping at the back of his pants to remove any dirt. “I have to go. I told the teacher I was going to the bathroom.”

I nod. “Go on then. I have to find my seat with Gia and the twins.”

He spins on his heel, about to the exit the small space before he turns back and says, “I’m sorry for judging you.”

I take a physical step back, jarred to the bones by his words. “I-it’s okay, Graham. Good luck tonight.”

He mutters something that sounds like “I’ll need it” before he stalks up the stairs and back out into the main building.

I stand there in shock for too long. Not only did I just have my first real conversation with my little brother, I learned the kid is way too fucking old for his age. It worries me. I had to grow up too fast; I don’t want that for my brothers and sisters. I want them to be kids, to beableto be kids. They don’t have that right now.

Scrubbing a hand over my face, I square my shoulders and go find my seat, pushing down all the guilt I’m feeling.

Something that’s become my normal lately.

Looking at the four kids sitting in front of me is doing something weird to me. I feel…fuller, more alive, like I’m supposed to have felt all along. I don’t want this feeling to go away any time soon.

We’re crowded around a table at the local ice cream parlor. The twins share one side of the booth while Gia and Graham share the other. I’m seated in a metal chair with an uncomfortable red vinyl cushion at the end, happily watching as they all slurp away at their bowls of sugary desserts in front of them.

Why am I staring at them instead of indulging in my own bowl? Because I’m genuinely shocked this is even happening. Surprised Mercy’s letting me have time with them again. Stunned we’re now sitting down like a normal family having a treat. Amazed it’s so…civil.

I left home when I was barely sixteen. When I say Ileft home, I mean I was a complete and total fuckhead and was told to never come back again after a brutal fight with my parents. A fight where I punched my father. A fight where I shoved my mother…while she was pregnant. A fight where my father hit me back and physically shoved me from the house without a shirt or shoes in the middle of the night.

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