Page 121 of Here's to Now

“What do we do now?”

“I think I need to go talk to Mercy, try to get her to change her mind.”

Haley places a kiss on my naked chest. “Is that what you really want, Gaige?”

“Yes,” I answer automatically.

“And you’re ready to be a father figure to four children?”

“Are you ready to be a mother to four children?”

She smiles. “I manage a daycare. I can handle four kids.”

I roll until we’re both able to lie face to face. I prop my head up on my hand and stare down at her. “Are you sure? Because this is different. You don’t get to send them home at the end of the day. You don’t get to write a note home to their parents when they misbehave. Youaretheir parent. You have to punish them, love them, protect them. Can you do that?”

“Yes.” Her answer is sure, and it sends my heart soaring.

“Good. I’m ready for it too. I already love those kids more than anything in this world.”

She gives a tight smile and I can tell something’s wrong.

“What?” I ask her.

“Can I ask you something?”

I scowl down at her. “Why do I have a feeling I won’t like this question?”

“Are you sure you don’t want them out of…obligation? Maybe you just feel bad for abandoning them…twice. Maybe this is your way of trying to right those wrongs.”

I consider her words. “I won’t deny it, that’s part of it, but I love them, Haley, and not just because I feel indebted to them and have so much to make up for. I love them for so many more reasons.” I smile just thinking about them and ignore the small pang I feel at what I know I gave up all those years ago. “Like Gia—I love how smart she is, how mature she is. She takes this shit and she just deals. I admire it. And the twins? Holy hell, Hales, they’re so funny and bold. I love it. Then there’s Graham. I feel like I’ve failed him the most. He needs work. He has horrible panic attacks just like I did when I was his age. I don’t want him to turn out like me.”

She laughs quietly and rests her head against my arm. “Oh, Gaige, yes you do. You want him to be exactly the kind of man you are.”

“I’m not someone to aspire to.”

“Youweren’tsomeone to aspire to, but you’ve changed. You’ve grown. You know you’ve screwed up and you’ve mostly made your peace with it. I’m telling you right now, Gaige Addams, you’re the greatest man I have ever known.”

“That’s a bold statement.”

“Yeah? Well I refuse to take it back.” I lean down and give her a quick kiss. “I mean it, Gaige,” she says as I pull away. “I love you for who you were and I love you even more for who you are.”

Rolling myself on top of her, I drop my lips to her ear. “You’re making it really hard to not bury myself inside you right now.”

I feel her smile. “I wouldn’t complain if you did.”

We pull up in front of the home that’s haunted my dreams for the last week. Putting my Honda into park, I stare up at the two-story off-white house.

It’s taken some time for Haley and me to get back to a good place. Every day is a fight, but we’re fighting together. We’re talking openly for the first time. No cards hidden—they’re all out and on the table. We’ve discussed and dissected the guardianship, even going so far as looking into houses to rent. We’re determined to make this work no matter what.

Whoever said marriage was hard wasn’t fucking kidding. This shit is exhausting—in the best way possible, of course. Between all of our conversations, we spend our time reconnecting on a more personal level, and it’s been mind blowing.

Staring up at this house, though, is anything but. I can already feel the anxiety creeping up on me, the reality of my future closing in. I’m scared as fuck, more scared than I have been in my entire life. This visit is going to decide the rest of my life for me.

I just hope it goes my way for a change.

“Are you ready?” my wife asks, slipping her hand into mine and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“How’d I get lucky enough to take you home that night?”

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