Page 104 of Here's to Now

“I told you: it’s because I was ashamed. I stand by that.”

“Of them?”

I throw her a look. “No. I’m mortified by what I did to them.”

“Leaving them?”

“More than once,” I say, nodding solemnly. “It’s the most shameful thing I’ve done. I hated them. When Gia was born, I genuinely hated her. She turned my parents into these creatures I hardly recognized. They loved her, instantly. They never once loved me. When the announcement of the twins came along, I rejected them altogether. They didn’t deserve that, and I don’t deserve them.”

“Gaige, you were young.”

“That’s such a bullshit excuse. I knew right from wrong. I chose wrong. Always.”

She pushes around another spoonful of melted goodness and mumbles, “Fair enough.”

Standing, she grabs her bowl and mine, dropping them off in the kitchen before coming back out and throwing her legs over my hips, straddling me.

“I love you,” she says quietly. “Even though what happened sucks and what you did was undoubtedly wrong, I still love you. I’m not perfect.” She laughs humorlessly. “Hell, I hid half of Rae’s life from her, if that makes sense.”

“It does.”

She wraps her arms around my neck and leans forward, pressing her forehead against mine, closing her eyes as she speaks. “What I’m saying here is that I don’t care about your past. It’s obvious you have one. You’ve admitted more than once you’ve done some shady shit. You—”

“Shady shit, huh? That feels mild.”

“First, it may be, considering the scars you wear, but I don’t know the extent of it, and it’s okay if you don’t ever want to share it. I trust you. That’s all that matters. Second, shush. I’m talking.”

“I love it when you get bossy.”

“Gaige, shh!”

“Love. It,” I whisper quietly.

I feel her grin. “Even though what happened with your parents is tragic, youwereyoung, just sixteen, and you were suddenly supposed to fall back in with this family you never truly had. I mean, I’m not saying you leaving was right, but it also wasn’t entirely out of left field. It’s okay, Gaige. You made a mistake, kind of a big one, but what’s done is done. Move on. Forgive yourself. Your brothers and sisters clearly forgive you. Move on.”

I lick my suddenly dry lips. “Is that what you did? With your cancer?”

“I had to, Gaige. It was eating away at my bodyandmy life. I saved my body. I had to save my life.”

“Thank you.”

She pulls back and opens her eyes, her mouth open slightly, her lips forming a smallo. “For what?”

“Moving on. I’m glad I have you now.”

“You do have me, fully.”

“You have me too, fully.” I push down the bile and the lie in my throat, refusing to let either surface. “I love you.”

“I love it when you say that.”

“Have you ever been in love before?” I ask.

“It’s never mattered like this.”

“I love it when you say that.”

Her cheeks flush and she brings her lips to mine, pressing gently. “Thank you for letting me back into your life. I’m sorry I shut you out all those months ago.”

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