Page 47 of A Taste of Grace

“I’m obviously attracted to Grace, so the physical intimacy will come.” Caleb leaned closer to me and met my eyes.

I heard his words and sucked in my breath, trying to concentrate on what I predicted would be a deep response.

“I want someone who understands that I am more than a pastor. Grace needs to know that I am committed to being her covering, the person who God has made a steward over her well-being and future. I will love her as I love myself and will be supportive in every area of her life. Like God and His twenty-four-seven access, I’ll answer her calls and will give her the grace and space to be the virtuous woman she was called to be from the moment she entered her mother’s womb. I’ll be her friend when she doesn’t even realize she needs one. She will see God through me every day in every way.”

I rested my hand over my heart, touched deeply by Caleb’s words. They were perfect. Without hesitation, I cupped his chin and leaned toward him for a quick kiss.

“You are such a good man, Caleb Stallings. Thank you for choosing me as your bride.”

He ducked his head and nodded, reaching for my wrist and kissing it. As was becoming our habit, we stared at each other in comfortable silence, absorbing the peace of our budding relationship.

I took a big breath and turned to Elder Peyton to share my truth.

“I don’t trust many people, so intimacy of any kind is difficult. As Caleb said, I don’t think the physical connection between us will be lacking. No disrespect, Elder, but look at how fine he is.” I gestured from his neck down as Elder Peyton laughed.

“Seriously, when I went to the altar my first day at church, I felt the love inside Caleb radiate out to me. He touched me, and I felt the love of God working through him. It’s hard to describe, but a flood of peace overtook me. I’m often anxious and an overthinker, but every bit of that angst left me in the presence of the Lord that day. If God moved so mightily through Caleb in the sanctuary, I can only imagine how intense it will be when I have him to myself. It will be one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received. I can’t wait for our intimacy to grow.” I blushed hard because I tried to share what I meant without being too graphic.

Even now, the familiar ping of arousal simmered in my loins. I adjusted my body in my seat and grabbed the hem of my dress under the table to stay in the moment. Every side of Caleb turned me on, especially the one that cared so openly and thoroughly for people.

Because of the anointing that rested on Caleb, I predicted that when we finally made love, he would cater to my body and soul so thoroughly I would be addicted to him like the women who had him before me. Unlike them, I would be his wife. I silently prayed that I satisfied him as much as he satisfied me.

“Those are beautiful answers. Are you choosing each other in your spirit or just in your emotions?” Elder Peyton peered between us above his little round rimmed glasses.

“This is a leap of faith for me. The only way I know how to move in a relationship this quickly is to trust a power that is higher than I am.” I spoke as honestly and directly as I could.

I turned to Caleb for his response. He cleared his throat and looked directly at me. As occurred more often than not, when he stared at me for any period of time, I got distracted by his handsomeness—that strong jawline and stubble had me wanting to rub my fingertips over his dark skin. Our closeness reminded me of his declaration to me on his deck. Soon I would be his, and he would be mine in every sense of the word.

“Grace, I didn’t think I would ever remarry. The pain of my first marriage was almost too much to bear. My girls brought the sun out for me again. When they shined their light on you and you returned it, I forced myself to open to something deeper than I thought possible.” He turned to Elder Peyton. “I tried to push Grace out of my head but couldn’t. God spoke to me, even through you, Elder, about the divine timing of our union.” Caleb reached for my hand and lifted my wrist to his lips.

“Aw…young love is so beautiful.” Elder Peyton leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, beaming at Caleb and me like we made him proud.

I gave Elder Peyton a half smile, wanting to push back about his use of the word young. Caleb and I were in our forties, nowhere near young in my eyes. Maybe he referred to the newness of our union more than our age.

“My last question is important. Name one thing your partner doesn’t know but should.”

Caleb and I eyed each other. I knew what I needed to tell him but didn’t want to go first. He must have sensed my hesitancy because he placed his hand over the one I rested on the table.

“I knew Grace would be my wife the moment I opened that door and saw her. I just didn’t want to scare her by telling her that first night.”

I blushed and sucked in my breath, surprised that Caleb would be so honest about his feelings. I had not been adored like that in a long time. His words flattered, shocked, and frightened me a little.

“Thank you for saying that. The feeling was mutual, King.”

For the first time since our session began, something akin to a blush covered Caleb’s cheeks. He raked his teeth over his lip quickly then returned to his previous posture.

“My confession is going to be intense, so give me a moment.” I pulled a tissue from the small tissue box closest to me.

Caleb rubbed my back in circles as I tried not to filter my words.

“Before I came to Farmerton, I wanted to end my life.” Tears left my eyes as memories of those dark days came back to me.

Although I saw Caleb’s shoulders lift in my peripheral, I kept my eyes focused on the tree outside the window in from of me as I spoke.

“I was going to do it on my fortieth birthday. My mother and father were gone. I was an only child with an extended family that ridiculed me for refusing to let them bully me as I cared for my mother in her last days. I lost a job that mattered to me and moved from DC back to the South, a place I never thought I’d return to. I had no hope and no promise of a bright future—until I came here and Caleb saw and cared for me. Although our love has not matured…Yet, I feel as if he is loving me back to life.”

The men kept their eyes on me as I dried mine. I rested in the awkward silence, pleased that I finally shared my secret with Caleb. Nita was right about marriage counseling. This process allowed me to release a burden that was too heavy for me to carry alone.

“Are you safe? Do you still have thoughts of hurting yourself?” Caleb’s question was natural, one that a caring pastor should ask a troubled person.

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