Page 55 of Crashing Waves

She was right. Ididsound like him. Ibehavedlike him. Holy fuck, what the hell was happening to me? Thisthing, whatever it was between Ricky and my sister, it wasn’t okay—I didn’t think so anyway—but what the hell had given me the right to …

I felt the pain radiating from my knuckles, the evidence that I had punched him. That I hadhurthim.

Shit, I had to get out of there.

I turned on my heel and headed straight to my car.

“Max, no, wait!” Lucy cried, guilt and regret laden in her tone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Don’t leave, please.”

But I didn’t listen then either. I got behind the wheel, slammed the door shut, and turned on the engine, ignoring Ricky as he came to stand beside the door, his lips moving, but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of the radio blasting Staind’s “It’s Been Awhile.”

I peeled out of there and headed to the only other place I knew to go. The only other place I feltwelcome. And when I knocked on the door, not knowing who would answer or if anyone would answer at all, I was relieved when it was thrown open. I was even more relieved to seeher.

“Max,” Laura whispered, startled, taking a step backward inside.

Then, before words could form and spill off my tongue, I reached out to hold her face between my hands and brought my lips to hers, nearly crushing her with the force of my gratitude for seeing her and every ounce of pent-up aggression from uncovering the truth about my friend and sister.

And without saying another word, she pulled me inside and let the door slam shut.

***

It had been my first time sleeping with someone.

I wasn’t sure that it had been hers—I hadn’t wanted to ask. Not before, not after. Not when we lay in a postcoital bliss so good that I hated the world and my life for not allowing me to have it sooner.

And I was so glad that it’d been withher.

She fell asleep in my arms, and I stared at the ceiling, listening to her breathe and the ticking of her alarm clock and the tiny sounds she made when she was deep in a dreamland I couldn’t touch even if I wanted to. My mind was buzzing, drifting off somewhere else, to a house deeper in town, where I knew my father was sleeping peacefully—maybe beside his negligent wife … or maybe not. I thought about how he was the reason I couldn’t have this in the truest sense. He was the reason I was alwaysaway. His threats and his insistence that I needed to enlist in order to be worthy of anything good in this life.

But …

Wait. I’m an adult, I caught myself thinking.I’m a full-grown man with the capability of making my own choices. If I want to retire now, who the hell is he to stop me? What would he do? Threaten me? Okay, fuck him. Hurt Lucy and Grace? I fucking dare him. I’d kill him if he even tried.

The thought energized me even more. Yes, fuck him. Fuck my father straight to hell, where he had come from. God, I wanted this. I wanted Laura. I wanted to bewith her—for real this time. I wanted to tell her I loved her, live in this apartment—or wherever, it didn’t matter—and make her my wife. I wanted to be just like Greg Dumass and have as many kids as I could have and be the father my own never was. And I could be—no, Iwould. I would beexactlythe father he was incapable of being to me becausefuck him.

I did fall asleep then, and I slept well. Neither of us woke until the sun was already high in the sky with the promise of a warm day in early September, and when she first opened her eyes, she rolled over in my arms to press her naked body to mine, a sleepy smile stretching across her lips.

“Hey,” she whispered, nuzzling her face into my neck.

“Hey,” I replied as I brushed the hair from her face, tucking the dark strands behind her ear and smoothing them down her neck and back.

“What are you doing today?”

Her sleepy smile was pressed against my skin, and I smiled back.

I kissed her temple. “Whatever you wanna do.”

She laughed, like I wasn’t serious. “Oh, come on. I know you probably have stuff to do. You need to see your sisters, Ricky—"

I pressed a finger to her lips and reared my head back enough to find her eyes. She looked up, a tinge of bashful shame hidden somewhere in her soul, almost as if she hated to admit she hoped I’d be with her. Had I put that look there? I supposed I had—no, of course I had. I’d been shutting her down since we had been in high school,making her feel like she was second best … if she was best at all.

God, what a dick I’ve been.

“I want to be wherever you are,” I gently said, hoping she believed me.

I lowered my fingers, and she captured the spot I’d just touched between her teeth before replying, “You’re just saying that because I finally put out.”

Repulsed by the thought, I shook my head. “What? No. I’m saying that because I—"

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