Page 176 of When We Were Young

She takes a breath. ‘It was after he broke into my flat. I think Matty told you about that?’

‘He said Will cut his arm and was rushed to hospital.’

‘There was blood everywhere. I went with him in the ambulance and while we were waiting at the hospital, his family turned up. When Mary saw me, she screamed at me to get out. She was making a scene – I had to leave. My friend Miranda went inside and found out where Will was. We waited in the car park for his family to leave, then we snuck back in. She showed me where he was. He was asleep, so I lay on the bed beside him. I wanted to hold him.’ Mum draws her mouth into a thin line and blinks.

I give her a moment to compose herself. ‘Did he wake up?’

She shakes her head. ‘I lay there for ages, but he didn’t wake up. He’d lost a lot of blood. Liv, he looked awful.’ Her voice splinters, a sob escapes. ‘I should have left sooner. A nurse caught me. She was cross I was there out of hours. She made such a fuss that she woke Will…’ Her breath hitches. ‘He said “Milly, don’t go”. That was the last thing he said, but I had to go… they made me go…’

I put my hand on her arm. ‘You had no contact with him after that?’

‘About a week later, I got a letter from him apologising for the break-in and thanking me for visiting him at the hospital.’

I remember that letter. That was the one that made me think they’d slept together – that he was my dad. I got that completely wrong. ‘Didn’t reading it make you want to get back with him?’

She swallows. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Please Mum, I want to understand. You clearly loved each other…’

Her smile is weak. ‘We did… but…’

It takes all my effort, but I try Dad’s tactic of waiting until she’s ready to speak.

She drags a fingertip under each eye and sniffs. ‘He was so gifted, Liv. His voice, it was… oh, just…’ She shakes her head, her eyes filling with tears again. ‘And he’d been noticed. He was getting the success he deserved. He was living his dream. But it wasn’tmydream…

‘Then I got this opportunity. My art tutor put me forward for it. A residency in Amsterdam.’

‘A residency?’

‘They give you a studio to work in, they give you money, somewhere to live. You have all these other artists around you and mentors to guide you. I… I planned to go to Amsterdam and work on my art and… livemydream.

‘It was already a strain trying to maintain a relationship with me visiting Will whenever I could. If I stopped doing that, that would be the end of us. I was certain. It was a difficult decision, but I took the residency. I planned to break it off with him, but when I got to Wales, where they were recording, Matty hinted that Will had been unfaithful. When I confronted Will, he admitted it, said it was a mistake, begged for forgiveness. I was angry. I felt betrayed but, in my heart, I believed him. And even though I believed him, I still let him think it was all his fault.’ She falters, inhales, and finds the strength to continue. ‘It was easier for me to convince myself it was his fault than to admit it was mine.

‘I really believed he was better off without me, that I was holding him back. I’d been holding him back for years. He’d be happier with someone else, someone who’d follow him around the world. I was too selfish. I didn’t want to give up on my dreams.’

‘So why did you?’

‘What?’

‘You gave up on your dreams.’

She swallows. ‘Dreams mean nothing when the person you love is dead. I was so stupid to think anything was more important. Nothing mattered anymore.’ Her eyes swim. ‘But you came along, like a little miracle, and gave me a reason to live.’

My throat is tight. I reach for Mum, and we cling to each other in tears.

Chapter 84

October 2016

Liv

I’m sitting on the right, but Mum is driving. As I sort out a playlist, I’m reminded of the car journey that ended with a lamppost in the bonnet. When this all began. This time she’s wearing sunglasses and we’re on a highway in Denver, heading out to the Red Rocks Amphitheatre. She is relaxed and happy – more like the girl in the photographs in Will Bailey’s garage.

She catches me looking. ‘What?’

‘Nothing.’ I fix my eyes on the road ahead.

This was my idea. Dad suggested we all go on holiday together like we used to when I was little. When he asked us where we wanted to go, I didn’t hesitate. ‘Colorado,’ I’d said, ‘where Will Bailey’s ashes are scattered.’