Page 169 of When We Were Young

I need air.

I grab my room key and head down in the lift. I exit through the main doors and bump straight into Pierre.

‘Good morning, Emily. You are awake early. No Scott?’

‘Er, no. I wanted to get out and, you know… see Amsterdam.’

‘I can recommend a great place for coffee?’

The café is easy to find, following Pierre’s directions. I sit outside despite the early morning chill. When my coffee arrives, it has a thin syrupy waffle covering it like a lid. I take a bite. It’s gooey and sweet but as I swallow it sticks in my throat and I feel sick.

My thoughts turn to Magda. I don’t know if it’s her accent or whether she’s really that blunt. She didn’t sugar-coat things, but maybe that’s exactly what I needed. I’ve never hung up on anyone before. I feel terrible. She was only trying to be a good friend. What was I thinking? It must have been 3 a.m. The only friend I could call in the middle of the night like that was Miranda.

After Liv was born, we drifted apart. No, that’s not true – I pushed her away. She was starting out as a designer, and I was a mum. We had nothing in common anymore, and I made no attempt to maintain our friendship. She put a lot of effort in, but I think Iwantedus to lose touch. It hurt to see her pursue a life that was lost to me. After she graduated, she moved to America. We sent each other messages on birthdays and Christmases, but after a while I didn’t even bother with that. Where is she now? What would she say about all this?

Her voice in my head says,What do you want from life, Emily?’

The answer to that question comes quickly – I want Scott. But the note – the betrayal of it. Do I even know him?

I get up and go inside to pay my bill. As I’m leaving the café, I see Scott approaching. He stops and holds up his hands like I’m a wild animal he doesn’t want to startle.

‘I know you want space,’ he calls. ‘I was worried when you didn’t answer your door. Pierre said you might be here. I’ll leave you alone now.’

Please don’t leave me alone. ‘No, come and sit down.’

He walks towards me, and we sit. He spreads his hands on the table and looks at them as though they will tell him what to say.

‘I knew I’d have to tell you one day, and I knew you would hate me for it. I expected it, but it still hurts.’ He delivers most of this to his hands but drags his gaze up to meet mine for the last word.

‘I don’t hate you.’

He drops his eyes again.

‘I hope you can forgive me one day.’

‘You made a mistake. I know all about making mistakes.’

‘I think about it every day. Will wanted to talk to you. I didn’t know how desperate he was, or I would’ve given you the note. What if I’d given it to you? He might still be here.’

‘I’ve wasted so much of my life on what-ifs. What if I hadn’t split up with him? What if I’d been in the night he broke into the flat? What if writing the second album had been as easy as the first? But it’s all pointless. I know that now. When he ended his pain, he gave it to me to carry for the rest of my life.’

My cheeks are wet with tears.

‘But it’s not only me,’ I continue. ‘He gave it to Reu, and Matty, and his parents, and the person who found him. You carry some of it because of that note. We all carry it. And he wouldn’t want us to. The pain was too much for him to bear. He wouldn’t wish it on us.’

Fatigue is seeping into my bones. I’m heavy.

‘I’m just sotired,’ I say. ‘I’m tired of feeling guilty.’

‘You need to get some sleep. Let’s get you back to the hotel.’

He takes my hand as we walk. I haven’t walked down the street holding hands with anyone since Liv was small.

He walks me to my room.

‘Do you want to be alone?’ he asks, lingering by the door.

‘No.’