Page 167 of When We Were Young

Mary is holding a fat little baby. She’s like a doll, a halo of shiny black curls. She’s adorable.

‘Shall we have some yoghurt while Daddy chats with Liv?’ says Mary, holding the door open.

A man steps into view, kisses his daughter on the forehead. ‘Bye-bye, sweetie.’

He turns to me and says, ‘You must be Liv.’

I smile. ‘Yes, hi. And you must be Reu.’

Interview transcript – Reuben ‘Reu’ Brody

OL:Matty told me Will split with his girlfriend around the time he was writing the second album in Wales.

RB:Yeah. That’s when Will was having trouble writing, and it got worse after the split, and we all came back to London. That’s when things get a little hazy for me.

OL:You don’t remember?

RB:[Sighs]I hung out with the Paradigm roadies back when we were touring with them in the US. I started smoking a lot of weed and after that I tried a few other things. I enjoyed feeling out of it. I was young and stupid, and one thing led to another, and I ended up… no, I won’t make excuses. I was an idiot.

OL:What happened?

RB:All my dreams had come true. All three of us were having the time of our lives then when we got to Wales – it seemed like it could all be over. I was anxiousallthe time – except when I was high. When I was high, I didn’t worry. I was happy living in cloud cuckoo land. Nothing mattered. I had to borrow money. Then when people stopped lending me money, I started stealing it. There was a dodgy dealer at the pub in the village. He was always trying to get me to try heroin. I tried it once, and that was it. When we got back to London, I needed to get hold of more.

[Whispers]I stole from Mary’s purse. I feel so bad about that. All that woman did for me. She took me in and was a mother to me when my own mother didn’t know if I was alive or dead.

[Laughs]I had issues.

I don’t remember much of what happened, but it was only the second time I took it, and I overdosed. I was with this bunch of so-called ‘friends’ at this squat. Matty and Will didn’t know where I was. They’d have killed me if they’d known. I guess I was lucky I wasn’t on my own – someone called an ambulance. I was in a coma for almost two weeks.

All I know is it was an accident – I didn’t mean to do it. I just wanted to feel that rush again. But it was touch and go there for a bit and…

[Pauses]I think Will blamed himself.

He treated me like a little brother, you know?[Tearful]He made me believe in myself. If he hadn’t taken me in, God knows where I’d be now.

[Sniffs]He thought I was going to die, and he couldn’t handle it. If I hadn’t been so stupid… so selfish… he’d still be here. But when I woke up, he was gone.

Chapter 79

July 2016

Emily

A boat passes on the canal, ‘Dancing Queen’ blaring and disco lights flashing. How can anyone be having fun when my world has turned upside down? I check my phone and the page has finally loaded:

Reu Brody is a British drummer who played in the band of Will Bailey, appearing and co-writing one song on his album,Fragments, as well as several live releases and EPs.

Born: 3rd November 1978.

I’m bawling now. Spluttering, gasping sobs shake my entire body. At first, I’m crying because I’m relieved Reu made it. He was –is– such a sweet soul. So positive, full of energy and talented. But then, I’m crying because I feel sorry for myself.

I will never be happy. Because I don’t deserve happiness.

The same old feelings resurface. The pain is not raw. It’s a dull, yet excruciating, chronic ache.

A couple loiter nearby. The girl speaks to me in a language I don’t understand.

‘It’s okay,’ Scott calls from behind me. ‘I’m with her. She’s okay.’ The couple glance at each other and move on.