Page 164 of When We Were Young

I don’t think Scott sees it, but I swipe my phone from the table and tuck it into my bag. FHD is great. He’s handsome, he’s a nice guy, he’s fun to be with.

But he’s not Scott.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been avoiding him. Ever since Liv told me about Will, everything has changed.

‘I need to tell you something,’ I blurt.

His relaxed expression dissolves. ‘You’re moving in with him, aren’t you?’ he says, his tone sharp.

‘What?’

‘I don’t understand how you can start seeing this guy and you didn’t even think about us.’

‘Us?’ Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

‘I can’t believe I encouraged you,’ he says. ‘But it seemed like you were finally coming out from the cloud you’d been under for years. I thought it would be good for you to go on a few dates. I didn’t expect…’

‘Scott––’

‘You were upset after Will died. I get that. I knew it would take time. A long time. And I was prepared to wait, but to be honest, it hurts that now you’re ready to be in a relationship, you didn’t even consider… me.’

‘You were interested in me back then?’

‘Of course I was.’ His eyes blaze. ‘I only took that course because you were doing it. I only organised that flat share in Balham because you were looking for a place. Every decision I’ve made in my adult life has been because of you.’

I’m stunned. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘I did. I told you exactly how I felt when you said you were pregnant.’

‘You weren’t thinking straight that day.Iwasn’t thinking straight that day. Besides, that was more than sixteen years ago. Are you telling me you’ve felt that way all this time?’

‘Yes,’ he says without hesitation.

‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ I ask again.

‘Because you weren’t ready!’

‘But what about Katya?’

‘What about Katya?’

‘I can’t compete with a girl half my age, with smooth skin and pert… everything!’

‘She can’t compete with you at all.’

‘Oh, come on.’

‘I mean it. You’re my best friend, the mother of my child, but I always wanted more than that.’

‘But… that night… you felt sorry for me. You were being kind.’

‘Is that what you thought? That I felt sorry for you?’

‘What else would I think?’

He pauses, then asks, ‘That night, could it have been anyone? I mean, was I just in the right place at the right time?’

I consider this for a minute. ‘Honestly? I don’t know.’