Page 161 of When We Were Young

‘Are they angry?’

‘Worse – disappointed.’

‘Ah.’

‘In me, not you. Seriously, pregnant is an improvement on my condition over the last few weeks. And my mum’s secretly excited about being a grannie.’

There was a pause.

‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘My mum and dad want to help me. I’ll be fine.’

‘I haven’t said anything yet.’

‘You don’t have to. It’s the sensible decision. The right one.’

‘I want you,’ he blurted, ‘why don’t you want me?’

Silence.

‘We could be together,’ he continued. ‘Have this baby together. Give him a proper family. A mum and dad who love each other and love him.’

‘Oh, Scott…’

‘Why? Why can’t we try?’

She drew a breath in. ‘Because I love someone else. You know that.’

‘He’s dead!’ he snapped. He hated himself. What a horrible thing to say. ‘I’m sorry,’ he backtracked. ‘I didn’t mean that.’

‘Scott––’

‘It’s my baby, too! I want to be involved as much as any normal dad.’

‘Why don’t you take some more time? You don’t need to decide now.’

‘I don’t need more time. I’m sure about this.’

‘It has to be about the baby, not about me.’

‘I’m its father and I can’t forget about it and get on with my life as if this never happened.’

A couple of weeks later, she came to the flat with her dad to clear out her room. Scott made himself scarce, but as soon as they left, he went down to the bin store and rescued her artwork from the wheelie bins. When she didn’t return to college, he took a couple of the bigger pieces she left there and stashed them in his parents’ loft.

He was charming and respectful when he met Emily’s parents, and they were impressed by his attendance at almostall the appointments and antenatal classes. He was by Emily’s side at the birth and chose his daughter’s name. Once their course was over, he blagged his way into web design, saying he could do things he couldn’t, but taught himself how. His dad lent him the money to set up his own business, and he paid it all back before his daughter was two. He worked hard but always found time to spend with her.

But he couldn’t win Emily over. He could never compete with a dead rock star who – in Emily’s rose-tinted memories – was perfect. No one could compete with him because he wasn’t real. He would never fuck up: forget a birthday, look at another girl, buy a shit present. He would always be a perfect ghost, haunting their lives forever.

Chapter 76

July 2016

Emily

The hotel shampoo smells expensive, with its citrus notes and spicy undertones. It lathers luxuriously, and as the suds slide down my body, I think of the beautiful leather-bound sketchbook lying on the bed in the next room. It was a thoughtful gift. I wish I had sounded more grateful. I recall the passionate way Scott spoke to Pierre about my work, the effort he went to, twenty years ago, to photograph every piece in my exhibition. It’s touching that he believes in me. Has always believed in me.

Scott is still on my mind as I squeeze water from my hair and apply the creamy conditioner. Him being thoughtful, saying nice things, it reminds me of that day a hundred years ago when I told him I was pregnant. He’d said he wanted me. Wanted me. Remembering that now gives me a stab of guilt.

Could he have meant what he said? Or was he simply in shock after the bombshell I’d just dropped? I lose my train of thought for a moment, caught up with the fizzing in my stomach at the thought of Scott wanting me. That’s what he said back then.I want you. Why don’t you want me?