‘I don’t know.’
‘If it’s easier, I wrote the lyrics down. You could read them?’
‘I don’t think I can, Liv––’
‘You need to see this, Mum.’
Liv goes to the hall and comes back with a notebook. She flicks through the pages, finds the one she’s looking for, and tears it out. She folds it in half and places it on the table.
‘You can keep this. Read it when you’re ready,’ she says. ‘And there was something else. It was with the tape. It explains things.’
She takes an envelope from the back of her notebook.
‘It’s in here. I’ll leave it with the lyrics. You can wait till I go back to Dad’s or read it while I’m here. It’s up to you. Mum, promise me you’ll read it?’
‘I can’t promise––’
‘Mum, trust me! You need to read this. Promise me you will?’ Her eyes are sincere.
‘All right.’
Liv leaves me alone in the room with these pieces of paper. I’m torn between wanting to devour their contents and wanting to destroy them unread before they can hurt me.
Tentatively, I reach for the sheet of notepaper and unfold it.
If I can’t hear
your ideas as they spark
The twinkle in your laugh
Your whispers in the dark
Then I can’t go on…
Is he talking to me? Tears sting my eyes. What is Liv talking about? This only confirms I’m to blame. I can’t read this!
Choking back a sob, I stand up and pace the room. I open the fridge, slam it shut, and go back to pacing. The paper on the table is screaming at me. I snatch it up, hands trembling, and I force myself to read on.
Even after I’ve read the whole page three times, the words make no sense. Liv thinks this is significant, but I have no idea why. With my heart pumping, I sit down, reach for the envelope. Inside there’s a leaflet entitled:Patient Information – Otosclerosis.
I’ve never heard of otosclerosis.
I read the entire leaflet but it’s a confusing jumble of words that make my head ache:ossicles, malleus, incus, stapedotomy, otolaryngologist. Liv said she found this with the song, thatit would explain things, but it doesn’t. I place the notepaper alongside the leaflet, willing them to connect.If I can’t hear… If I can’t hear… Otosclerosis… a common cause of hearing loss in young adults.
The penny slowly drops.
Will had otosclerosis.
A young man whose life revolved around his love – and talent – for music was losing his hearing. Hot tears pour down my face. Poor Will.
But I don’t remember him ever showing signs of having difficulty hearing. Perhaps it started after we split? Or could he have kept it a secret while we were together?
And how does this help me?
My stomach is tangled at the thought of Will being tormented by this cruel disease. If we had still been together, I could have been there for him. I could have helped him through it. We could have found a way to make life bearable.
I don’t remember standing up, but I’m pacing again. This time when I open the fridge, I pull out a bottle of wine and pour a glass, but before I even take a sip, I tip it into the sink. I need a clear head.