Page 56 of The Allotment on Willow Tree Lane

He heard Ceri’s voice and felt her tug on his arm, urging him to the ground. He sank down, the stone step cool underneath his clammy hands as his head was shoved roughly from behind, forcing his face between his knees.

‘Breathe, breathe,’ she commanded.

Damon breathed, one shaky inhalation at a time as he struggled not to gasp. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the air and his vision began to blur.

‘You’re OK, I’m here, you’ll be fine.’ Her voice was calm and soothing, and he forced himself to focus on it, using her to tether him to the here and now, desperate not to let the past tighten its grip and drag him down.

Slowly, slowly, the darkness receded until, several long deep breaths later, he was able to sit up.

Ceri was gazing at him in concern. ‘Just a thing that happens sometimes?’

He lifted a shoulder, feeling drained, emotionally and physically, and hoped he wouldn’t cry, despite wanting to burst into tears. That was what he had said to her, ‘Just a thing that happens sometimes’. God, it was so much more thana thing… It was taking over his life and his sanity, and he feared he would never be free of it.

‘Is it because of Aiden?’ she asked.

He nodded, and she sat down beside him, forcing him to scoot over slightly so they could both fit on the step.

‘You must think I’m a right wimp,’ he said. He was trying to sound normal, but he knew she could see through him.

‘Because you suffer from panic attacks? Not at all.’

‘Is that what they are?’

‘I’m no medical expert, but it sounds like it.’

He hadn’t considered that possibility, but a panic attack made perfect sense. He certainly felt an overwhelming sense of panic whenever it happened, just as he had done that night when he’d heard Aiden’s—

Nope, he wasn’t going to think about it right now. One episode a day was enough, another might send him over the edge.

Ceri said, ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

He didn’t, but perhaps that was part of the problem – that he had been trying to keep it in. But he supposed the grief, the remorse and the guilt had to come out some way, and his subconscious mind had chosen the panic attack route.

Taking a deep breath, he reached for her hand, grateful when she didn’t pull away. Then he began.

‘We were on tour in Berlin, a city we’d played in twice before but had seen little of. The first time had been in an-and-out job: do the gig, then drive to the next venue straight after. I wish with all my heart that the second time had been just as hurried, but it was the last stop on the tour and most of us had wanted to let our hair down. Luke flew to England the next day because he wanted to see his family, but me, Aiden, Frank – our manager – and some of the roadies were still in the hotel, which might explain how details of where we were staying got out.’

He closed his eyes briefly, before opening them again and carrying on. ‘Aiden had a new car and he wanted to try it out. One of the roadies had driven it over from the UK so Aiden could drive it back to London because those German motorways are fast. He asked me to go with him, but I wanted to stay and explore the city. Take a bit of a break, you know, because those last few months had been gruelling – constant travel, trying to kip in the bus, catching meals when we could. It had its upsides, too, of course.’ He smiled sadly. ‘Little can compare to the thrill of being onstage in front of several thousand fans.’

Ceri squeezed his hand for him to continue.

Damon blinked hard, blew out his cheeks and looked up at the sky. ‘Aiden’s car was in the basement car park of the hotel. He’d unlocked it to put his stuff in but had forgotten his passport, so he went back to the room. While he was gone a fan, a fifteen-year-old girl, snuck in the back and hid.’ He swallowed and Ceri could see how hard this was for him.

‘Maybe if Aiden had been going slower he would have stood a chance, but the girl panicked when she realised he wasn’t just out for a joyride, but was heading to France. She tried to get in the front seat and Aiden lost control. He was killed. She walked away with scratches and a broken arm.’ He pulled a face. ‘He was on the phone to me when it happened. I heard the whole thing.’

‘Oh, God, no wonder you’re getting panic attacks. How awful – for all of you.’ Ceri stroked his arm, her expression full of sympathy.

Damon scowled. ‘He shouldn’t have been driving on a German motorway in a car that was too powerful for its own good. He shouldn’t have been on the phone. If I had agreed to go with him, the accident never would have happened. He would have watched his speed because I would have nagged him to slow down, and he definitely wouldn’t have been on the phone. And if I had gone with him, that girl would never have been able to get near the car, let alone hide in it.’

‘You can’t blame yourself. It was an accident.’

‘I can and I do.’ His eyes were haunted when he turned his gaze on her. ‘I always will.’ Damon’s voice was hoarse. ‘I should have told you who I was, but I couldn’t bear it if the press found out where I was. Or the fans.’

He shuddered with distaste as he remembered how he used to love the adoration, and how he used to love being in the limelight, despite his overriding passion being for the performance itself and not the associated fame. But not now.

Pain stabbed at his chest and he briefly closed his eyes. Was this it, was this the end of him and Ceri? He feared that whatever they had was over and he was shocked by how much it hurt. Without meaning to, he had fallen for this woman. He should never have let her into his garden…

But he strongly suspected he had let her into his heart way before that, when he had watched her dance under the stars in a flower-scented meadow.

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