Page 42 of Saving Micah

Chapter 24

Zant

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

{‘Broken Together’ -Casting Crowns}

Why am I even here? I mean, I know why I came by and why I burst into her home but, why am I still here? Am I glutton for punishment?

Seeing her standing there after all this time, I felt like I could breathe again. Even with her mad at me, I feel whole again. I feel like something that has been missing is right in my grasp.

I make my way to her room. She slammed her door but she didn’t tell me to get out. I’m going to see why I feel this way.

“Micah, open the door.” I lightly knock on her door.

“You’re still here? I surely thought you had left me again,” she said from the other side of the door.

“I’m not leaving. Open the door.” I tell her.

The door slowly opens as I stand with both hands on the frame. My body takes up the space of the entire door. I’m easily over 6 feet tall. I’ve been working out since I left. The gym became my place to escape and just talk to God without putting much thought to it. He’s listening. Ms. Peggy taught me that. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing, you can talk to God like He is right there with you, because He is.

With the help of a few people I met at the gym, I toned up all over. I’m not completely cut and I don’t have muscles protruding everywhere but, I’m solid. And my abs look good.

“Zant, what do you want?” She looks at the floor but I caught her eyes when she opened the door. They were red rimmed and glassy. Her tears break my heart.

“I want you to let me in.”

She backs up and sits on the bed with her hands in her lap and still looking at the floor.

I get on my knees in front of her. She wants to look at the floor… fine. I’ll get down here so she can see me.

“Now I want you to look at me.”

She raises her head a little so she can look me in the face.

“I’m sorry.” Those are the only words I have for her. Everything else I’ve said hasn’t helped. She doesn’t understand and if I’m honest, I don’t expect her to.

“Why are you sorry?” Smart girl. She wants me to work for it.

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for hurting you.” I just lay it out there.

“You should only be sorry two of those three things. One wasn’t even close to being your fault.” She tells me in a whisper. I know that she needs to whisper so she doesn’t cry. She hasn’t changed much.

“I agree and I know that.” My teeth hurt from gritting them. Being here is bringing back all the memories that I was running from.

I am staying though. I’m facing this. If she wants to know what happened, I am going to tell her. She deserves it. I take a dive and tell her “ask me anything. What do you want to know?”

She takes a deep breath and says exactly what I knew she was going to say. “I want to know what happened that night.” It’s time to rip the band aid off.

“Alright. I’ll tell you. But tell me if I need to stop. Ok?” She nods in understanding.

“After your dad pushed Roy out the window of your room, we drug him to my backyard. He was talking and mumbling things that did and didn’t make sense.” I pause and swallow. I look at her once more. I need to see that she is fine before I continue because I can’t look at her while I tell her this story. It’s too much. “Anyway, I don’t want to tell you all he said but I have to for you to understand what happened.” I take another deep breath and continue. “He kept saying that he had been watching you and that you wanted him.” I hear her breath catch in her throat. I hurry to tell her what I know. “I know you didn’t want him Micah. I know he freaked you out. Just listen to me.” I squeeze her hand and she lets her breath out. “He was saying vile things like that and he said something about watching you since you were five. Your dad was dragging him toward the back yard and I, at some point, grabbed a shovel that was leaning against the house.” I hate to tell her this part but I can’t avoid it. “Your dad kept pulling him and he lost his footing…” I go on autopilot as I tell her the rest as it plays out in my head like it is happening all over again.

Roy trips and lands on his knees. “Get up you bastard.” Mr. Davis was yelling at him. He was so mad. Instead of getting up, Roy turned and looked at me.

“You’re a pussy, boy. You weren’t going to touch her and she was all but begging you to. I was about to make her feel so good. Then she would have never even looked at you again.” With that, I couldn’t take any more of his filth. I swung the shovel without thinking about it. It smacked him in the side of the face and he slammed onto the ground. He turned to look at me again. He smiled and I could see the blood on his teeth. “Pussy.” I swung again and the back of the shovel connected with his face. I didn’t stop. I hit him again. Mr. Davis grabbed my arm at that point and stopped me from hitting him one more time.

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