Page 47 of You Belong With Me

“Well, it wasn’t about him,” Lavender said. Tears were flowing from her eyes. “Yes, I do love him, but I didn’t do it for him, Sebastian—I did it for you. I didn’t want you to have to lose one of the most important people in your life. Especially after you already lost Dad.”

Sebastian looked a little like he was going to throw up. “I never meant to blame you. I didn’t want to blame you but...”

“But Dad wasn’t there,” Lavender finished for him. “How can you blame someone who’s gone?”

Tears burned in my eyes. My phone started buzzing in my pocket and I used it as an excuse to step away and answer it quietly. I wished I’d checked the caller ID though as I heard the voice on the other end.

“Are you home?” Mom asked without a hello. Her voice was more tired than I’d heard it in a long time and I wondered if she felt just as exhausted by the day’s events as I did. Of course, she hadn’t gone on a horrendous first date and had pop dumped on her after our fight, so her evening was probably going better than mine, but regardless, our argument had been ugly.

“No,” I said. “I’m out with Dean.”

I thought it was probably better to say Dean than to mention my date or Sebastian picking me up, especially with how angry she’d been with me this afternoon. Mom was silent for a good ten seconds before she said, “When you get home, I want to talk.”

I wanted to say no. I wanted to spend the night as far away from the house as possible, maybe even crash at the Novak’s house. But no wasn’t an option with Mom, so I sighed and said, “Okay. I’ll be home in an hour.”

I expected her to push back against the time and say I needed to be home sooner, but she just said a quiet, “Okay,” and hung up. I glanced back at Lavender and Sebastian, who were still talking, then leaned against the hood of Sebastian’s car, leaving them the space to talkalone. Dean appeared by my side a minute later. I tensed up, thinking he was going to ask me about Sebastian and me or what we were doing out here, but instead he just held out a pack of gum. I took a piece and popped it into my mouth, staring out at the city lights below.

“So,” Dean said, “tonight.”

“Tonight,” I responded, my voice tired. Then we both fell silent and just watched the quiet night.

twenty-four

When I toldDean that Mom wanted to talk to me, he said “Good luck with that” and went over to the Novak’s house, so I was alone walking into the house almost exactly an hour later. I’d buttoned up Sebastian’s varsity jacket to hide most of the stain on the dress and kicked off the uncomfortable heels by the door, so I probably looked like a kid playing an awful game of dress up as I walked into the living room clutching the milkshake Sebastian bought me in one hand.

Mom was sitting in the dark living room with only a lamp on for light. She was in the chair on the far end of the room, where she would be able to see me if I tried to go upstairs without stopping by to talk to her. I wondered how long she’d been sitting here waiting after I told her that I’d be home in an hour—just the last few minutes or had she been down here this whole time, making sure that I couldn’t get past her if I came home early?

But I was too tired to even try to get away now or pull off some excuse about why we couldn’t havethis discussion. If she wanted to talk—even if that was unusual in itself—there was no way she was going to let me get away, so it was easier not to waste my breath. I dropped into the chair closest to the door, and conveniently the exit if I changed my mind about sitting through this, and put my empty milkshake cup on the side table. Mom eyed it, looking a little disgusted, but didn’t comment.

“Okay, I’m here,” I said. I didn’t offer up anything else. I wasn’t going to be the one to start this conversation, only in part because I wasn’t sure exactly what there was to say. I’d been fully prepared for us to just brush this under the rug, like we’d done with any disagreement we had in the past. Stay silent for a couple days, then go back to regular life and pretend none of it even existed. But we’d never had an argument as big as this one. I’d never spoken back to them the way I had in the car and I’d certainly never raised my voice. Because perfect daughters didn’t do that.

Mom opened her mouth, probably to make some comment about watching my attitude, then closed it again and cleared her throat. Everything about this felt so bizarre. I looked around, wondering if I’d misunderstood the whole call. Maybe it wasn’t about the fight after all, but instead about some family tragedy like Grandma dying or something. It was the only explanation for why she was acting so weird. But then, she said, “I know everyone has off days.”

I stared at her, unable to comprehend the words. She looked like my mother. She sounded like my mother. But those were not words that she would ever say. Had she been replaced by some weird clone in the time that I was gone.

“What?” It was the only thing I could say because I just didn’t understand.

“I know everybody has off days,” she repeated. “And I know you probably tried your best at the swim meet today.”

I didn’t appreciate the use of “probably.” If Clementine or Ainsley had said that to me, I would have called out the word usage. But I was so flabbergasted hearing it from my mom that all I said was, “Okay.” She stared at me, probably waiting for a more eloquent response, but I honestly had no idea what to say. I was glad that she could admit it was okay for me to have an off day, but that still didn’t make up for everything else that had happened between us.

“If this is all you want to talk about,” I said, pushing myself out of my seat, “I’m gonna go shower. I’ve had a rough night.”

“Nora.” It was the use of my nickname, instead of Eleanor, that made me freeze. She kept watching until I sat back down in the chair. She looked uncomfortable, like there was something she wanted to say—maybe another apology or maybe to get mad at me for the way I screamed at her earlier, but she didn’t say anything, so I figured I would have to be the one to keep it going.

“You know, nobody else cares about our family nearly as much as you do,” I told her. Her mouth pressed into a firm line like she didn’t quite agree, but I continued on. “Nobody knows what goes on in our house and they definitely don’t give a flying crap about your reputation.”

I thought of Sebastian and Lavender, screaming at each other on the highway. Finally releasing all thoseemotions they’d kept inside for so long. I thought of Dean and his confession that nobody, not even his own family, knew about. There were a lot more secrets in the world than any of us cared to admit.

“I want you to know,” she said, “that it wasn’t only about our reputation. I push you because I know that you are capable of so much.”

At another time, I would have smiled and said, “Yeah, I know.” Because that used to be what she wanted to hear. I had to be humble but also know my strengths and refuse to show weakness. But there was more emotion in her voice than I had ever heard, and somehow I felt like this wasn’t one of her tests to see how well I knew the way that she wanted me to act.

“I don’t need you to push me. I know what I’m capable of and I know what I can reach. I don’t need you there, pushing me on. You’re not my coach, you’re my mom.”

“That’s what a mom is supposed to do. Encourage their daughters to reach their full potential. I was doing what’s best for you.”

“No. You’re doing what’s best for you.” There hadn’t been a single moment in the last three years where I thought for even a second that my mom was doing what was best for me by pushing me forward. She didn’t force me into public speaking class because she thought it would be good for me—she did it because she was embarrassed of having a shy daughter. She didn’t tell me to join multiple extracurriculars at school and keep my grades up because it would be good for my future—she did it so she could brag to the other moms about how involved her daughter was. “I’m not your marionette doll. I’m not here to do yourbidding, tied to the strings that you control. I’m my own person and I need to be able to make my own decisions. Are you okay with letting me do that?”

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