Page 39 of You Belong With Me

When I stepped up to the block, my chest felt like it was closing in. My cap was too tight. My goggles pinched. I adjusted them, then adjusted again out of nerves. The official blew the whistle. I bent low. My muscles were trembling—not with adrenaline, but with something heavy and slow.

The buzzer sounded.

I dove.

And the second I hit the water, I lost everything.

The cold was a slap across my whole body. My breath knocked out of me in a useless whoosh of bubbles. I kicked, but it felt wrong. My limbs didn’t know what they were doing. My arms came down too hard, too soon, pulling me off rhythm. I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t breathe right. Couldn’t move fast enough.

I felt like I was flailing while everybody got ahead of me, and by the time I reached the end and got myself to focus—got my body to work the way it was supposed to—I was so far behind that there was no chance of me catching up. I started swimming just to finish. I knew I couldn’t place. I wasn’t even trying to win anymore. I was just trying not to drown in front of half the school.

By the time I hit the final wall and pulled myself out of the pool, I already knew: dead last. On the bright side, it wasn’t a relay. At least I hadn’t ruined it for anyone else.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Ainsley said, pressing a towel into my hand and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “You tried.”

I knew she was trying to help but the words weren’t what I needed right now. I just needed to get out of here. To be anywhere else.

“You gave it your all,” Reese added, and if I wasn’t so distracted by my own thoughts, I might have smiled at the fact that she’d spoken at all.

I wrapped the towel around my shoulders and headed straight for Coach. “Sorry. I’m not feeling great. Maybe I should’ve sat out.”

It wasn’t a real option. Our team was too small for somebody else to take my place. She gave me a small nod and patted my shoulder. “It happens.”

When I glanced back at the bleachers, my parents were already standing, stiff and silent. Watching me like I was a mess they’d have to clean up later. Dread pooled in the pit of my stomach, even more than before, and whatever breaths I swallowed down only increased my nausea rather than stifle it. I lingered as long as I could with my friends in the locker room, trying to delay the inevitable. Even though I knew what I would be walking into, the criticisms and remarks that played out in my head even without them saying it to me yet because I knew my parents like the back of my hand. It had to come out eventually. And twenty minutes later in the parking lot was that exact moment.

“You embarrassed yourself,” Mom snapped as soon as I got in the car. I dropped my swim bag on the seat beside me and stared out the window so I didn’t have to look at her. “In front of all those people. In front of our friends.”

“Angela,” Dad said in a warning voice as he pulled out of the parking spot. “Maybe we should wait until we get home.”

Like that would be any better. Here I was delaying the inevitable by hiding out in the locker room only for myDad to think it’d be best to ream me out in the safety of our home. Because having the conversation anywhere else would make the world see that we weren’tperfectand that would be a tragedy, wouldn’t it?

“No, I won’t wait until we get home!” She twisted in the passenger seat so she could look at me. “Do you have any idea how you made us look?”

“Like your daughter isn’t perfect?” I suggested to the window, still refusing to look her in the eyes.

“Don’t give me attitude.”

My fists curled, nails digging into my soft skin and I tried to focus on the pain instead of the anger in my chest. Maybe it was my fault for hating how distant she’d been lately, only asking how I was then walking off if I responded with anything other than great. At least now, she seemed to care, even if it wasn’t the way I was looking for. I wondered if she had any idea what I’d been up to this week. Did she know that I’d befriended Ainsley? That I’d spent two evenings in a row with Sebastian? She probably would, if she bothered to look.

“How many times have we told you, Eleanor? You have to be prepared! You have to show your best for our family. Nothing less. It’s the least we ask of you. I don’t understand how it could be so difficult.”

“You wouldn’t know,” I muttered, mostly to myself. It was a crapshoot whether she would comment on the words or pretend she didn’t hear them, preferring to pretend that I wouldn’t speak back.

“What did your mother say about attitude?” Dad asked, apparently not in the mood to ignore my words, even if Mom might have.

“It’s not attitude!” I snapped, finally looking forward. I glared right back at Mom, the words barreling out of me despite the way they tremble. “It’s just a fact. I did my best, but I had an off day. Everyone does, so why can’t I?”

“No. You weren’t prepared,” Mom said, completely ignoring what I said. Because, of course, the Grahams couldn’t have an off day. That was for other people. Lesser people who weren’t just walking, talking machines. “We expected better of you, Eleanor. We got off work early to come see you perform, not to see you mess up. Why should we even bother if that’s how you present yourself?”

My teeth gritted, fire in my veins, tears at the edges of my eyes pricking painfully as I tried to keep them in. Why couldn’t she just accept that I did my best? It was always a competition to them, always a fight to be the best of everyone instead of just doing the best that I could.

Outside, the street blurred. I was exhausted and I felt so tired and I just wanted to bealone. My mind carried me back to the field last night, to the way Sebastian and I played and played without another care in the world. I wished I could go back there now, could be anywhere but here in this car. Was this how he felt all the time? Living with the weight of his family secrets on his shoulders, just trying to hold himself together until he could finally be alone and break?

Mom tapped her manicured nails on the center console and the clack of them on the surface set me further on edge. “You didn’t even look upset. You just walked off like it didn’t matter.”

Even if they didn’t listen, I still hissed, “Because if I looked upset, you’d say I was being dramatic!”

There was no winning with them. Ever.

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