Page 75 of The Riley Effect

I text Marcus and Byron, thanking them for checking on me. I leave Jalen’s messages unread. I’m just not ready to hear whatever explanation he’s come up with to excuse what he did.

After a trip to the gym–to sweat out whatever alcohol was still in my system this morning– I decide to go to my sister’s early for Sunday dinner.

“Hey, guys! I hope you don’t mind. I’m here a little early.”

I find my sister in the living room looking at something on her iPad. I park myself in front of her, not sure what I want to say about last night. Ruby looks up from whatever she is reading and it only takes a split second for her to realize that something is wrong.

“Ivy, are you okay?”

“No,” I break down again and snuggle myself into her side.

“What happened, Vee?”

I tell her about the formal and how I was excited for a night out before I had to turn all my focus to basketball and the teammates I’ve battled so hard with this season. I remove theblue and green decorative pillow from behind my back and place it on my sister’s lap so I can lay my head on it.

I don’t leave out any details because I need honest advice from my sister and not just the words I want to hear. So I tell her parts of our relationship that I’ve kept to myself since we started seeing each other this fall. How I never trusted other girls’ motives with Jalen and that there was always this little tinge of jealousy about the girls that were with him before me. I thought that maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.

“That’s where I’m stopping you,” She grabs my shoulders and pulls me till I’m upright. Her eyes are serious, and I know that she’s entered “mom mode”. She jumps between sister and parenting mode with ease.

“I’m not going to sit here and listen to why it’s your fault that Jalen broke your trust because it’s not. You’ve always been amazing, Ivy. You’re an honor roll student and a great basketball player, but more importantly, you’ve always had a big heart that had room for everyone. I mean, really, what college student comes home to have dinner every Sunday with their family.”

Ruby only pauses so she can press the soft pads of her thumbs under my eyes so she can wipe away the tears that don’t seem to want to stop.

“I don’t think I’ve told you this, but I am so proud of how you pushed yourself to grow outside of your comfort zone. You have made beautiful new friendships, tried new things and found love. I know he made a mistake Ivy and that your trust is hard to earn, but we can’t push away the people we love because they do something we don’t like.”

My fingers start playing with the hem of my t-shirt as I try to take in the wisdom my older sister is preaching.

“I know it’s hard not to assume that everyone we trust is going to do something catastrophic to blow up our relationshipsafter what happened with Dad. Jalen’s nothing like Dad. I see how he looks at you. He isn’t going anywhere.”

“How does he look at me?” I ask with hope I’ll believe the answer.

“He looks at you like his world doesn’t exist if you are not the star at the center, Ivy. I’ve been lucky enough to be loved wholeheartedly in this lifetime.”

My heart breaks as I listen to my sister talk about her and Darek’s relationship. “We are lucky if we get to experience those kinds of relationships in our lives, the ones where we go to bed just because we are excited to wake up and have a new day with them. I cherished every day I had with my husband because it was one more day to watch him love on our kids and make memories as a family.”

Now we are both crying, but it doesn’t stop Ruby from telling me what’s on her mind. “We both know that life is too short. Don’t waste time being mad. Hear him out and see what he has to say. It’s okay if you need a little time to figure out what’s best for you after you talk, but don’t take too long to have that initial conversation.”

I pull my phone out of my pocket and take an extra long look at the picture I set as my lock screen. It’s a picture of us after the Christmas Eve service under a decorated Christmas tree that Jalen’s mom took. It was one of the first times I realized that I was falling for Jalen.

“Jalen left me a voicemail I haven’t listened to yet. I’m going to go up to my room and listen to it now.”

My sister pulls me into a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Vee.”

I swallow the smile that is trying to pull loose when I remember I have no idea what Jalen said on his voicemail. After the disappearing act, I pulled last night, he could be done with me. Knowing I need to listen to it to end the misery I’ve beenfeeling all day, I pull myself away from my sister’s grip and head to my childhood bedroom.

I make myself at home amongst the stuffed animals that comforted me on my worst days, pull out my phone, and head to my voicemails. I select the one from Jalen, press play and put my phone to my ear, giving myself no time to chicken out.

My heart breaks when I hear the devastated tone in his voice.

“Hi, Angel. I just want to make sure you got home okay. I know I messed up. I know I shouldn’t have gone to Evelyn for advice, but I was drunk, and I felt so helpless that I couldn’t help you with your anxiety. I was devastated when you told me you were so anxious the whole day leading up to my surprise on New Year’s Eve. I knew I was going to tell you I loved that night. It made me feel like you didn’t trust me. I guess I proved that you shouldn’t. I’ve always been nervous that I wasn’t good enough for you. I know I should have come to you with all this and not let a drunken moment get the best of me because you deserve so much more than that Ivy. You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I will do everything in my power to show you just how amazing you are, even when I know you are trying to dim your glow. I’ll never let you put out that light, Ivy, because your light fuels me. Without it, I’m nothing. I love you, Ivy. Please just let me know you’re okay. I need to know if you’re okay. I love you.”

My heart is beating out of my chest. I don’t even know what to say to that voicemail. That was the most vulnerable I’ve ever heard Jalen.

I pick up my phone and pull up Jalen’s name. I take a minute to make sure I won’t break down the moment he answers the phone. When I’m sure that my mind is in the right place, I press the green call button. It only rings twice before Jalen’s voice comes through on the other end.

“Hey, baby.”

The voice that greets me isn’t the one of the confident man I fell in love with. It’s the voice of a man who is clearly distraught.

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