Page 57 of Teach Me to Laugh

Raina, however, was giving me the eyebrow waggle, “Did you and Beck do the hanky-panky last night?”

“Oh, jeez, Raina . . .” I gasped. “No!”

“Looks like it. The only time my bed gets that messy is when either Kai or me sparks the mood.” Giggling, Raina winked. “I’m just paying you back for all the times you made me blush like that with Kaiden.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about. There were some pretty intense situations you could have helped me out in, but you,”

“I did help you out. You wanted to move forward with Kaiden and I helped push you where you wanted to be.” Thumbing my chest, I announced, “See, I’m a good friend.”

“Good friends don’t pack lingerie for a camping trip for their girlfriends.” She reminded me.

With a quip ready to go, I returned, “Good friends are the only friends with access to your undie drawer.”

Raina smirked. She had a way with getting me all riled up and ready to go, just to bring me back down again. And then she shot me right back up, because her next words had the adrenaline in my veins sizzling. “Are you saying you don’t want things to progress with Beckett?”

Blinking once, twice, three times, I could do nothing more than gawk at my friend. My mind was trying to form the sentence I’d need to explain when Maddy dropped gently to the bed.

“You don’t have to hurry into anything, Mar.” She said in that wise, gentle way of hers. “You just have to stop ignoring your heart. You’re not living and it’s tearing me up inside to know that you have all this potential for a life that could be so beautiful—and you’re not living it.”

Knowing what living meant to Maddy, I instantly felt guilty. The guilt powered the courage I needed to admit every fear I thought I’d locked up tight.

“The first and last time I ever let myself trust a man enough to fall for him was the biggest mistake of my life. His name was Jayden.” Sucking in breath, I started pacing as I continued. Raina knew some of the things I’d encountered while living with Jayden and his family, but she didn’t know everything. I’d never planned to tell her everything, but things change. “He seemed nice at first. Well, looking back there were signs that pointed to just how screwed up he was, but I was too young to really see them. It started just before I turned fifteen. He was a couple years older, cute, and—well, he pursued me and I was too naive to see him for what he was.”

“Jayden was your foster brother?” Raina clarified. “I didn’t know you were—I didn’t know you were in a relationship.”

“We shouldn’t have been.” I said, and it was the only way I could admit to my mistake. “He was a bad kid, no doubt about it. At first, being silly and young, I was intrigued. He broke all the rules and I thought that was exciting. It started with the long gazes over the kitchen table. Then he came into my bedroom at night. He’d kiss me and touch me—but I never let him take it allthe way and surprisingly, looking back, he let me stop him every time. Then we started sneaking out, stealing silly things from stores or peoples lawns, playing baseball with car mirrors and crap like that. It escalated quickly to other things. Bad things. He’d bully kids at school into doing really twisted things. It took no time at all before he was manipulating me into doing these things—or forcing me to stay quiet as I watched.”

They were both looking at me like they were seeing me for the first time. “I did things with Jayden that I’ll always regret. I started rumors I wish I could take back. I broke couples up. But I never hurt anybody physically—at least never on purpose. You see, Jayden had really messed up parents. They were bad people—as evil as evil gets in the parent department, so it’s really no wonder he turned out the way he did. They looked great on paper, made decent money and built a life that made them look like decent people, but they weren’t. I know the way evil hides behind the guise of good, so I don’t always trust what seems like a good thing. I was hardwired that way, and you would be too if you lived with them.”

“Honey, what happened?” Raina moved cautiously closer to me and I realized then that I was crying. Body shaking, hands trembling, teeth chattering kind of crying. She caught me around the waist, tugging me in close. “Take your time, but let it out. We’re here to listen.”

“His dad used to beat him. God, and his mom was probably the weakest, most meek woman . . .” Air slid down my throat, burning my lungs. “His dad was later arrested for,” I couldn’t say it. It was too wrong—too sick. It didn’t deserve words or memory, so I wasn’t going there. “Anyway, I realized I had to get out when I went to a party with Jayden. I was sixteen, almost seventeen, so I’d been with him for a while. I don’t know howI managed to hold onto my innocence for so long with Jayden in my life, when everything that happened that night happened. He drugged a girl—he drugged her and he took advantage of her. I don’t think she ever remembered what happened to her and I couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I said something. I told my school counselor and that’s how I got out. I could have saved her if I’d have said something earlier—but I didn’t know. I didn’t know . . .” I was a mess. “He did what he did to her because I wouldn’t,”

Again, I couldn’t say the words. Raina’s hand rubbed up and down the length of my back as she whispered soothing words into my ear. I could feel Maddy close too, and then she was there, hugging us both.

Reliving some, but not all that I’d buried was a terrible thing to experience, but at the same time, when the tears began to run dry, I felt relieved. Liberated.

In an odd way, I felt healed.

“I’m so sorry that you went through all that. I’m so sorry that you’ve been suffering by yourself all this time. I’m so sorry that he killed your happy and stole your smiles for years Mar, but you can’t keep letting him take from you.” She pulled back to look into my eyes. “You can’t give him any more.”

“I know.” The words were whispered on a strangled, pained breath. “I don’t want to give any more. Not to him. Not to that family.”

“We love you, Amara.” Maddy said, her hand stroking my hair gently. “You know that right? We’ll be sisters forever—family, because it feels right, not because it’s forced, okay?”

“Yes,” have I said I loved these girls? Well, Ilovedthese girls. “Thank you.”

“You know you’ll have to tell Beckett about your past. Not now, but eventually, you’ll have to let it out, okay?”

Nodding even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I admitted, “I know.”

“How are you feeling?” Maddy asked, searching my face.

“Okay. Better.” I wasn’t shaking anymore. “But I really want a glass of that eggnog.”

Raina handed me her glass with a wink. “Finish this one. I’ll go make two more and bring them back. We’ll hoover our popcorn and gossip about what it’s like to fall in love with hot as hell men. How does that sound?”

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