Page 15 of Teach Me to Laugh

The words sounded like a ringing buzz in my ear. Every time he touched me, this happened. My blood heated and my body froze. I wanted to snuggle in close and I wanted to run. Mymind and body practically tore me in two as they dueled over desire and cowardice.

Still, apart from the one morning in the kitchen, my desire always seemed to triumph when it came to Beckett. And now, even though I knew he sensed my stiffness and could probably hear the wild beating of my heart, he didn’t tighten or loosen his arm around my shoulder. He held me gently, letting me know silently that if I chose, I could escape him.

And maybe that was why I didn’t want to. Maybe it was because I knew that I could be free, that I actually liked his gentle captivity.

So that was how I stayed as he walked us to the elevator, and then through the lobby to the parking lot. Beckett, in all his gallant manliness gave me the underground parking stall. He said it would snow soon and I shouldn’t have to brush it off my car if I didn’t have to. He didn’t seem to consider that it was much easier for me to brush the snow off my little bug rather than the work he had to do to brush it off his massive truck.

Still, I didn’t fight his kindness. And that too, surprised me.

“Whoa,” Beckett tore me from my thoughts and I looked up at him.

“What?”

“Got foggy.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “They were calling for it. Apparently visibility tomorrow is supposed to be awful.”

“Weird.”

“I know.” This year had been weird weather-wise. Normally we had loads of snow in the forecast, but this year we’dhad sunshine and fog. If I had to choose, though, I would take the bitter chill that came with a heavy snowfall over the wet nip of a misty winter. The wet cold came with a chill that sunk deep into your bones. It was that kind of cold that one never seemed to escape no matter how hard they tried.

“The city looks different with all the fog, don’t you think?”

“It does.” I admitted. “I kind of like it. It’s pretty.”

“A little eerie.”

He opened the door of the passenger side and I hiked myself up before he could help me. Then I turned to him and teased, “Is someone afraid of fog?”

“If I was, would you cuddle me all night long?” Shocker alert; I was speechless. He chuckled, his hand on the door. “Just playing with you, peanut.”

I didn’t have time to reply before he closed the door. I watched as he rounded the truck with the smile still dressing his cut jaw. In so many ways, Beckett would be most girls’ dream guy. If I had to pick a dream guy, I’d name Beckett. He had the kind of eyes that made a woman feel all melty. I totally know that’s not a word, but I’m making it one here and now. Beckett made me feel melty when he looked at me, up and down, before those full lips of his curled into his signature grin. He had the kind of gold blond hair that was so thick; it was impossible not to think about running your fingers through it. And his latte skin—that was something else altogether. I’d wondered if it was a summer tan thing, but with the cooler days we’d had I knew it wasn’t. The man was creamy cappuccino delicious, as Raina would say.

The only thing I didn’t find particularly perfect about the man was his size. Beckett was literally massive. The mandwarfed me in every way. Standing an entire foot (maybe more) taller than me, he made me feel not only delicate, but also fragile, and in a way, helpless. He made me feel both safe with him while the possibility that he could be a threat hung over my head.

He was thick. Everywhere. His wrist had to be two, maybe two and a half times the size of mine. His shoulders were so broad and his arms were so thick, bulging with heavy muscles, that if he wanted, he could knock me straight into oblivion. He stood on legs that were even thicker than his arms, and that frightened me too. The thought that, if he wanted he could kick me and probably steal my very last breath with the impact obliterated any sense of safety I thought I had grasped.

All in all, I believed he wouldn’t hurt me. I trusted that I was safe with him, but I was still terrified of his size. When he got too close, I sometimes wondered how quickly protection could morph into danger as laughter fell away to lust.

I’d lived to see how quickly danger could form in the wake of promised protection when lust played a part in the game. I’d watched the comfort of laughter flutter like ashes in the wind as unrestrained desire abolished any sense of honor.

I’d survived the pain of a blow.

I knew the power behind a kick.

And worst of all, I knew the guilt-coated shame that followed with tender displays and the vowed “never again.”

I hadn’t shared my fears with anyone, but I knew that eventually I’d have to. I would have to because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’d even bought a lock for my bedroom door. Both a door lock and a chain lock, as a precaution, of course. I’d learned that if you took precautions, you were less likely tolive through the horrors that lived in the night or behind closed doors. I’d learned and it had been a hard lesson. But the hard lessons are the lessons less forgotten.

The truck bounced beneath Beckett’s weight as he hoisted his big body into the seat beside mine. The truck, already started, was quickly engaged as Beckett shifted the gear into reverse, and then we were on the road.

I gave Beckett instructions to the Chinese place I’d ordered from. It was one Raina and I had frequented when I was feeling lazy toward the stove. I didn’t love cooking, but I didn’t hate it either. It’s a necessary thing one does to survive, and in order to survive living in a house with Raina; one takes the title of cook seriously or else they eat yogurt, marshmallows, and chips endlessly.

I didn’t like to eat anything endlessly, even icing.

But on the nights Raina did make dinner, I had to admit she threw together the best ever peanut butter and mini marshmallow sandwich. It sounds disgusting, but it’s shockingly delicious.

“You’re suddenly quiet.” Beckett announced. “Did I say something wrong?”

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