Page 38 of Sacrificing Zoriah

“Hi. Are you gonna be a dickwad too?” I ask. Roman helps me stand, and everyone is looking at me like they’re waiting for me to fall over.

“Look at me,” Dad says as he moves to stand in front of me.

“Will you go away?” I ask him. “You have no fucking room to get upset at me, so fuck off.”

“That make you feel better?” he asks.

“You were drunk for my entire goddamn childhood. Unless you want to fucking apologize for being wasted every single fucking time I needed you, then go away,” I snap at him.

“Ever stop to ask yourself why I was drunk?” Dad asks calmly.

“Because you didn’t give a fuck about me? About us? You missed Corbin’s fucking high school graduation because you were too drunk to get your ass off the couch,” I yell at him. “Does it even fucking matter?”

“Yes, it matters, Zoriah. Why? Why did I drink?”

“Because you lost Mom instead of me,” I scream at him. “You wanted her, but you were fucking stuck with a useless fuckingkid who never slept through the goddamn night because she was too afraid of the shadows. Maybe because I look like her, but again, you were fucking stuck with me.”

“Zoriah,” Dad says gently. “I was never stuck with you, baby girl. Is that what you really think?”

“I should have died that night, not her,” I say as my lip quivers. “You never should have lost her. They were there for me.”

“Why?” he asks. “Why were you supposed to die?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say as tears roll down my cheeks. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“Try me.”

“Just move. I want to go… somewhere else,” I mutter and try to push past him. Roman is standing now, and somehow Ben is behind me too. Corbin closes in also, and now I’m surrounded. I feel safe, but it pisses me off, so I shove Dad away. He doesn’t move, and it makes me angrier. Roman instantly grabs my arms and pulls them behind my back when I go to push him again.

“Let go of me!” I scream at Roman. He ignores me and holds onto me. “Goddamn it!”

“Will you stop acting like a child for ten fucking seconds?” Dad snaps at me. “I get you are hurting but is this necessary?”

“You don’t fucking understand. None of you fucking understand,” I yell louder. Dad nods to Roman, and the second he lets go of me, I try to push Dad again. This time, he grabs my wrists, and emotion slams down on me.

“You think I don't understand why you are hiding behind a goddamn bottle, Zoriah. Really?” Dad asks. “Look at me.”

“Fuck you,” I seethe. “You weren’t there. You don’t know what he did to me over and over and over again. You don’t have her screams trapped in your goddamn head.”

“No, I haveyourscreams trapped in my head,” he screams at me. “Do you know what it’s like to be on the phone an hour away listening to your six-year-old daughter scream for her daddy at the top of her lungs? Do you know what it’s like to want so badly to go through a goddamn phone, but instead you are stuck hearing a man rape your little girl? Hearing every goddamn movement he made? Every scream. Every plea for help. Have you ever sat there and listened to your wife beg someone to stop hurting her baby all while she is getting raped too? Zoriah, I may not have been in the room, but I listened to every goddamn second of it. It’s played in my head for nineteen goddamn years. I hear that fucking gunshot… your screams… every time I close my eyes. I remember being so fucking afraid of the silence but still too fucking far away to save you. To save her. Do not sit there and tell me I don’t understand why you are drinking because I’ve been where you are. I was fucking stuck there, and I am not going to stand here and let you make the mistake I did. Be mad at me all you want. Take all of your anger out on me if it means you never touch that goddamn bottle again… I missed nineteen fucking years of my children’s lives trying to drownthe memories. All I wanted was to go one fucking day without hearing your screams, but every time I looked at you and your brother, I was reminded that I couldn’t save you.”

“He was going to shoot me,” I say, nearly sobbing.

“What?” Dad asks.

“Richard. When he got up… Before Mom got to me… He pointed a gun at my face… She wasn’t supposed to be the one who died… She saved me by throwing her body over mine. I couldn’t figure out why, but… They only left because they thought they killed me too. Doug was mad that he killed Mom.”

“Oh, Zoriah,” Dad says softly. When he wraps me in a hug, the floodgates open, and nineteen years’ worth of pain pours out.

“She held my hand while he raped me,” I cry into his chest. “She got close enough to hold my hand.”

“Look at me, baby girl,” he says as he lifts my chin.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I cry.

“It’s okay,” he smiles and wipes tears from my cheek. “Zoriah, I know you just want your mind to stop playing the same things on repeat. You’re trying to make the sounds go away, but they will never go away, baby. No matter how fast we run from our demons, they will always be behind us. Eventually, we have to stop running and make friends with them. It’s hard and the scariest thing you’ll ever have to do, but you will get through this.You will find a way to live with your demons, and eventually, you will be able to navigate life without being overwhelmed by them.”

“Why me?” I ask tearfully. “Why did he have to keep hurting me?”

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