Page 99 of The Casting Couch

“Alright,” I said, a small smile tugging at the corner of my mouth.“Let’s give ’em the full fucked-up truth.”

“Atta boy,” Jamal said, flipping a page in his notebook.

Out on stage, the host was already warming up the crowd.

“Okay, okay!Next comic coming to the stage is smart, sexy, and possibly emotionally unstable—which, let’s be honest, is the best kind.Give it up for Nico Steele!”

The crowd clapped, whooped, and I stepped onstage.

The lights were brutal.They hit you in the face like, hello, now please be funny in front of fifty strangers so they don’t boo you off stage.

I adjusted the mic stand, tapped it like I knew what I was doing, and gave the crowd a look.

“Hi,” I said.“I’m Nico Steele, I’m a gay porn star, and I just found out I’m being blackmailed, so… vibes.”

A small ripple of laughter.

I leaned into the mic.

“Yeah, no biggie.Just your average day in the life of a porn star.Woke up this morning in my boyfriend’s arms like it was a Nancy Meyers movie, and by lunch, I was being emotionally waterboarded by my mother and a guy who looks like Guy Fieri’s failed stunt double.”

Laughter, stronger this time.Someone in the back snorted.

“I mean, truly.His name is Thom—with an H.Which is how I know he sells crypto and wears Axe body spray ironically.He says he sells boats.But not like yacht guy boats.More like ‘I got a guy who’ll float you a speedboat if you don’t ask questions and don’t look in the glove box’ boats.”

Scattered applause.I took a breath.

“So Thom, who I met only a few hours ago, drops a little USB stick in my bathroom, which first of all, who still uses USB sticks?Are you also running Windows 98 and hiding Napster files from your mom?Like what’s next, Thom, a floppy disk labeled porn taxes?”

Laughter, this time with a few claps.

“And here’s the kicker—apparently he’s trying to blackmail me… about being in porn.”

I paused, tilted my head like a confused cat.“Sir.What do you think I’m gonna do?Deny it?My entire ass is on the internet.I have merch.I did a video a few weeks ago called Hole Patrol 7.We wore hardhats with little lights on them.”

The room erupted.

I felt something unlock in me then.Like I’d been pacing a cage all day and someone finally flung the door open.

“And look, being in porn is weird.Not the work itself—that’s honestly fine.It’s the context.Like, you’ll be ordering a bagel and someone’s like, ‘Oh my god, are you that guy from Dungeons & Daddies?’And I have to be like, ‘No, that’s the podcast.Mine has much more lube.’”

Cackles.

“But it’s fine.It’s all fine.The weirdest part is that people assume I’m some kind of freak because I do porn.Like, I walk into Duane Reade and suddenly it’s ‘hide your kids, hide your husband.’Meanwhile, your uncle Jerry has bookmarked some of my best work, and he’s in the church choir.”

Roaring laughter.I saw someone literally slap their knee.I exhaled.This was working.

“Honestly, the weirdest thing about being in porn is trying to date.Especially when the guy you’re into is also in porn.Yeah.Surprise.Plot twist.I’m seeing someone now.And yes, he’s hot, and yes, we’ve both filmed scenes, and yes, we’ve had a conversation that started with ‘Hey, just wondering—how do you feel about cum shots before noon?’”

Laughter, then whistles and woo’s.

“And like, dating someone in porn means sex is both more fun and more stressful.Because now I’m like, was that moan real?Are you actually into me, or am I just triggering muscle memory from that time you hooked up with Chad in Assgard: Ragnarok?”

I stole a quick glance out at the crowd.My eyes found Bradley’s.

He was smiling—softly, proudly, arms crossed like he was trying not to float out of his chair.Goddamn, that man was fine.I had to look away before I started crying onstage like some gay Eat, Pray, Love reboot.

I took a breath.

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