Page 37 of Tales of Fire and Embers
Of course he was, of course Ansgar wouldn't even have to compete with Jonathan, the race was already won before even starting. A heaviness possessed my chest at the thought, sudden images of Ansgar being the one by my side tonight, of him being the one chatting to my dad and casually sipping wine like he belonged there inundated me.
I couldn’t explain it, but Rhylan’s kindness tonight, the way he protected me and kept returning every single snap Jonathan had intended made things even worse. So, of course, I started crying. Big surprise, by this point I could probably win aHighest number of tears per minutecompetition or something like that.
“What is it?” Rhylan asked, making a gesture to come closer and touch my face, probably to wipe the tears away, but thought better of it and remained grounded.
“Nothing,” I waved my head and quickly dried my tears with the back of my hand. I would not give him the satisfaction.
“Tell me,” he murmured, barely audible, like having a conversation with a sleeping baby in the room. His eyes remained focused on mine, staring intently, trying to understand my emotions. Not that he couldn’t probably read them all over me.
“I just…” tears flooded my face again and I couldn't do anything to stop them, “I miss him so much. Every day.” I stopped, struggling to calm myself and prepare for whatever retort or mocking he had in mind.
To my surprise, he remained silent and looked at me with understanding.
“Go to sleep princess, tomorrow will be better.” With this, he took a step towards me and reached for my face. I stopped a breath, thinking he would go for my cheek or my eyes, but he placed a finger on my forehead and pressed gently, leaving an invisible mark.
Then, without saying anything else, Rhylan turned and headed to his room, shutting the door after him without another gaze in my direction. He could be a strange man when he wanted to.
I continued my routine, shower, skincare, hair up, comfy pyjamas, and popped a series on the laptop, just long enough to make my eyes tired and allow me to go to sleep. Wrapped in my comfortable blanket and surrounded by so many pillows they could easily build a fort, I let myself fall into sleep, thinking about dinner, about Jonathan and the discovery that Rhylan had feelings when he wanted to. Or he could fake it really well.
The one thing I did not expect was to dream about Ansgar. I struggled so much to find him in my dreams again those first months that I must have exhausted all my imagination and the memories of him, because no matter how much I tried, no matter how many videos on hypnosis and REM cycles I watched to try to bring him back, I did not have the ability to do it. I had gotten used to going to bed knowing that memories of him will not visit me, that I had potentially seen the last of him, or maybe my brain strained so much it had completely forgotten what Ansgar looked like.
I held vivid memories of him, of his lips, his laughter, the muscles on his back when he positioned himself over me to bite my neck, his arms and how his fingers interlocked with mine, but I didn't seem to be able to see the entirety of him anymore. Except for tonight.
When I dreamt of him, those first months, it was always in the forest or the mansion. I saw him in my bedroom, in the kitchen, or the forest, but this night, Ansgar opened the door to my room and woke me up.
He was wearing his uniform, the loose pants he usually strolled in across the forest and the set of knives I loved seeing displayed across his bare chest, but none of it fit with the surroundings. Even Ansgar seemed different, his hair arranged very regally, like the night of his marking. He just stood there, watching me, looking at me like he hadn't seen me in forever.
“Ansgar?” I stood from bed and spoke, trying to get away from the pillows and closer to him.
“Fahrenor?” he replied in disbelief, looking at me like I was a ghost.
He immediately hurried to the bed by my side and cupped my face in his palms, checking my skin, feeling me, wanting to make sure I was real. Wasn’t that my job? It was my dream after all. He just had to appear and interact with me. Keep my heart company.
“What is happening?” I asked with concern. I couldn’t believe that the one time I was dreaming about him in months, he had to act weird and ruin the fun.
“I don’t know, I tried to come back to you for such a long time. I don't know what is happening. I feel like my mind was blocked until now, that I couldn’t find you anymore,” he said, voice like a whisper.
I felt the warmth of his skin on mine, the way he squeezed my face, hard enough to make sure I was truly there.
“Ansgar, is this a dream?” I asked quickly, disbelief coming over me. Was he truly here, in my room?
“I don’t know fahrenor,” he shook his head, eyes still locked with mine. “I do not know where I am,” he stopped just for a mere second to check his surroundings, then his gaze came back to mine. “I love you,” he whispered and without a second thought, he placed his lips on mine, kissing me eagerly. The taste of him overpowered me, a taste I had thought forgotten.
“Ansgar!” I broke our connection. “This is real. I can feel you, I can touch you, you are here!” I cried and jumped into his arms, touching as much of him as I could, uniting my body with his to feel the heart beating in his chest.
“This is real, this is real, you are here,” I kept repeating over and over, stroking his hair, touching his face, caressing his skin. I felt him, I tasted and sensed him. By some kind of miracle or spell, Ansgar was in my room. I even stood from bed to check the time and mirrored my face on the screen while I did so. It definitely wasn't a dream.
“I don’t know how long it will last,” Ansgar said, putting his face behind mine in the camera reflection. Instinctively, I pressed the small circle and snapped a photo. The noise of the blip and the tiny image being dragged downwards let me know that I finally had a picture of him, something to remember him by.
“Let’s not waste it,” I replied and turned to him, joining my lips with his again. Even the smell of orange and fresh earth came along with him, inundating the fabric of my bedsheets as I pulled Ansgar towards me, positioning his body over my own on the mattress. If what he said was true, if we didn't have much time, I did not want to waste it. I wanted to be with him every second of this blessed magical moment. I would not cry, I would not talk about missing him and the suffering I`d been through. I would taste, caress and possess his body, make him feel loved and appreciated, and show him how much he’s been missed.
“Are you alright? Are you safe?” The only question that mattered before I continued, the only thing I wanted to know.
“I don't know where I am, this dream doesn’t let me see. I only know I am here with you. I remember the cabin; I remember you caring for me. There is so much space in between that my mind cannot follow. I remember looking for you, trying to get to you. Now I'm here,” he said and smiled.
“I’m here,” Ansgar murmured, as though he could not believe it himself.
“You’re here,“ I repeated and laughed. I actually laughed with a heart full of joy. The immense joy I felt at having him with me again. I placed my palm on his cheek, the same gesture I had done before our first kiss and Ansgar rested his own palm over it, trapping it in a loving conjunction. I approached his face again, slowly, gently, taking it all in, studying every detail of his face, his jawline, his shadow-grey eyes.
