Page 75 of Missing Chord

I shoved that thought down. I couldn’t think about Lee, not now. A new song swirled in my head, something nebulous flavored with love and pain, but I couldn’t think about that either. Barbecue, guitar, Chaser Lost. “Can’t wait,” I said.

Pete’s place was a pretty typical rock star abode. Gated community, circle drive, border wall, long, low house with lots of glass, pool, pool house, and a couple of bodyguards walking around trying to be inconspicuous. I couldn’t help thinking of the small place Lee shared with his mother, where the front step had a crack and I’d promised to help sand and paint the peeling doorframe.Gonna break that promise, I guess.

We pulled up at the side of the house, where a white-pebbled path led to the backyard. As I got out, Shondra, the band’s keyboard player, peeked around the corner of the house. She squealed and galloped toward me, still all long legs and knees and elbows and flying beaded braids after ten years of stardom. I met her hug with my own and whirled her around, realizing how glad I was to be there.

The rest of the band wandered around the side of the house calling greetings. Pete was right. Quinn looked a hell of a lot younger with his beard gone and his hair short again, almost like the nineteen-year-old he’d been back when I invited them on myBite Thistour. Although those years of drumming had built up some good muscles in his arms, shown off by a sleeveless tank. Zoe was the same slim elfin woman she’d always been. Ulrich— closest to my age— gave me his trademark grin.

I missed this.I let them chivvy me to the back where the grill gave off enticing smells. They scolded me for being a stranger, sat me down with a beer. I’d been avoiding any alcohol the past week, because I could imagine diving into a bottle and not coming out. This was different, though. I sipped the hoppy brew and listened to the conversations resume around me. An argument about cables was followed by a mock-fight over whether the SLO was an overrated amplifier. I didn’t join in, just sat there in the warm LA air and let their voices wash over me.

Lee would enjoy this.Well, not the music technicalities but the friendship, the banter, Quinn trying to push Shondra off her chair and Zoe dumping his seat out from under him with a deft hook of her foot.

I’d imagined I’d bring him out here one day. Probably not for two years, since Officer Daniels wasn’t likely to okay an outstate vacation, but someday.Fucked that up.I really wanted to goback in time and tell Lee the whole truth right away. Except. Then I wouldn’t be here feeling my music-loving soul drinking in the ambiance like a plant that’d been in the dark for months. I wouldn’t have the buzz of a coming performance sparking in my veins. I’d be back in Iowa sitting around worrying. With Lee, though.

I don’t know what the fuck I want.

I was greedy. I wanted Lee here by my side and Rocktoberfest on the horizon and to never have killed an innocent woman and to not feel that little rasp in my throat when I took a big gulp of beer.

Wish for a billion dollars, why don’t you?

Pete sat beside me and held out an extra plate. “Burger for your thoughts?”

“Huh?” I took the food and scarfed down a big bite of juicy meat and bun. So good.

He took his time answering, demolishing half of his own burger before he set it on his plate. “You seem detached. Was a time you’d have waded into the amplifier fray.”

“I’ve never owned an SLO. I have no dog in that fight.” When he just munched some more, eyeing me, I shrugged. “Maybe I’m tired from the travel.”

“Are you?” He licked the juices off a callused fingertip. “I could pack every shirt I own in the bags under your eyes. That’s not just one day of tired. And you’re never this quiet.”

“It’s been a weird year. Lots of stress, yeah.” I hesitated. Pete was just in his mid-thirties but he was a level-headed guy. He’d had a couple of long-term girlfriends although I’d noticed Kim wasn’t around. “If, hypothetically, someone you lo— caredabout— thought you were damaging your health by touring and wanted you to quit, would you do it?”

“Hard question.” He tipped his head back, looking at the sunset colors streaking the clouds. “That’s what happened with Kim and me, basically. She was tired of the life, wanted kids, wanted me to commit to settling down, get out of the rockstar world. I was willing to cut back a bit, but music is who I am, what I am. I’m not going to stop touring any time soon. She decided that meant I loved music more than her and walked.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Maybe she was right. Either way, I knew what kind of frustrated grouchy guy I’d become if I had to give up this life for her. We couldn’t find a compromise. I still miss her. Sometimes at night, the house is so quiet I want to run out and find her and beg her to come back.”

“What do you do?”

Pete met my eyes with a crooked smile. “I write songs. Got some fucking awesome new music out of it. I don’t know if that makes me a guy with good coping skills or an emotional vampire.”

“I’ll go with coping skills.”

“Figured you might. What about you? Got a hypothetical someone out there?”

“It’s complicated. I… yeah, I met someone. Or re-met. We had a thing twenty years back.”Thingwas a bit flippant for what Lee and I had been building, but I didn’t want to get into the details. “Now we reconnected and it seemed good. He’s an awesome guy, a nurse, hot dad-bod, sweet smile, just the most caring person you could ever meet.”

“But not a fan of your music?”

“He’s a worrier. Which I get, he’s had a rough time with losing people. But he wants to bubble-wrap me and I can’t do that.”

“You couldn’t convince him that if the booze and the drugs hadn’t got you yet, they’re not going to?”

“That wasn’t the issue. I ditched him once when he needed me so I could grab my big musical break and tour around the world. This time was supposed to be different, but when he had a… concern, and asked me to skip Rocktoberfest, I said no.”

“Fuck, no!” Pete stared at me. “Unless you’re dying of cancer. You’re not, right?”

I hope not.“Not as far as I know.”

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