Page 30 of In the Stars

Still, I can’t help but ask. “Wes?” He stops again but doesn’t face me. “Are you…are you okay? You look…you look really good.”

He lowers his head, and I think I hear a brief chuckle. “I’m not okay, and I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while. But I’m trying.” He glances at me over his shoulder. “You?”

“I’m good.”

We stare at each other for a few seconds before he leaves.

I sink into my chair, tears of happiness welling in my eyes. He’s getting better. Hespoketo me, and there was no malice in his tone. All I’ve ever wanted to know was if he was doing okay. Though he said he wasn’t, I see that he’s working on himself. Sobriety looks really good on him.

Maybe one day we can talk like…maybe not friends, but like we’re friendly with each other.

God, I really want that. I would love to have Wesley back in my life, even if it’s not like before.

THIRTEEN

WESLEY

It didn’t hurt as muchto see Jaxon as it did last time. Sure, he still looked more put together than I’d ever be, but in my recently detoxed brain, I thought he’d tried to be pretentious to make me feel even worse than I did. But that’s not who he is. Even when we were kids, he had the air of someone who would always have his life together without effort.

I wish I could have said what I really wanted to him—to make amends—but the words got stuck in my throat when I saw the photo of him and Lana and Bob. Seeing the three of them together reminded me of how much they cared for me, and I was pulled back into the past.

But for the first time since I started on my sobriety journey, I’m not dragged into a bad memory—it was of the four of us sitting around the dining room table, talking over some of Lana’s delicious food. They had such a great relationship that it seemed effortless when they asked each other about their days. And they brought me into that fold. They included me in the conversations and made me feel welcome. I had a family before I even knew it.

I can’t make amends with Jaxon because I need to talk to Lana first. She was who I need to start my amends journey with in Washington. She won’t hear me, but being close to her in any way will help ease me and help in my strides to stay clean.

When I leave Jaxon’s office, I go straight to the cemetery to visit Lana. I follow the directions he gave me and see the headstone when I pull up. Emotions bubble up inside me, but I tamp them down so I can do what I came here to do.

I climb the small incline and look at the grave of the woman I wished was my mother. Sadness washes over me. Fuck, she was such a good person, so loving and caring. I hate that she died while my own piece-of-shit mother had more years on this earth when she didn’t fucking deserve them.

“Hey, Mrs. Collins,” I say, voice ragged. “I wish I could have seen you before you…left. You were the one person who believed in me. I’m sure you know, but I named my band after you. You were the first adult who tried to foster my talent. And…you saved me. You got me out of the hellhole I was in and made sure I didn’t experience any more abuse.” I take a deep breath and look up at the sky, anguish almost crushing me. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t allow you in when I was in that situation. I’m sorry I left how I did without saying good-bye. And I’m sorry I was such a coward that I didn’t come back to visit you before you died.

“I had hoped the flowers were enough, but I never apologized to your face. And now I’ll never get that chance. Wherever you are, I hope you hear me, and I hope you forgive me.”

I lay the flowers I brought with me on her grave.Sunflowers, her favorites. She told me and Jaxon that one time in passing when someone brought them to the hair salon she worked at. For some reason, the information stuck in my mind.

As I stand, I feel a presence behind me. I freeze, hoping it’s not Jaxon. I don’t want him to see me like this.

“Hey Wesley,” the older male voice says, and my shoulders relax, if only slightly.

“How you doin’, Mr. Collins?” I ask, turning around to face him.

He smiles and points at the sunflowers I laid down for Lana and then at the bouquet in his hands. “I think she would have liked receiving two bouquets in one day. She was always obsessed with them.” He steps around me and lays his sunflowers against mine. “And you can call me Bob. I think we’re on first name basis now, don’t you?”

I shrug, kicking at some grass clods by my feet.

He steps closer but doesn’t touch me. “How are you? Really?”

It’s too much. I can’t stand for him and Jaxon to ask that, looking at me with pitying eyes. Mr. Collins—Bob—has already seen me at my lowest. I’m not sure I want him to examine me while I’m trying to claw my way from “fucked up” to “managing”.

Right after I was reunited with my father, Bob came to visit me in my hospital room. He’s the one who told me about Jaxon taking photos and asked for my permission to use them against Perry when we went to trial. I cried and vomited at the thought of Jaxon seeing me so fucking weak, but I said yes. I vowed not to have him see me that low again.

Now, he’s asking how I am, when I know I’m still afucking walking zombie, trudging through life since I don’t have a purpose right now.

I try to smile at him but only manage a trembling tilt to my lips. “It was good seeing you, Bob. And…I’m sorry for any hardships I put you through. You and your family deserved better.”

“No, kid,” he says, looking unbelievably sad. “Youdeserved better. I just hope I did right by you.”

I step around him and head down the small incline, needing to get away. “Wesley?” he calls, and I freeze and look over my shoulder at him. He points to the headstone of the only woman that ever loved me and says, “She was beyond proud of you. Just like I am. You did good, kid.”

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