Page 43 of Man Advantage

Just a couple of boys on my hockey team. And one in my history class.

But I obviously wasn’t gay because why the fuck would I still get all loopy and stupid whenever I saw my ex?

In the crystal-clear lens of adult hindsight, it could not have been more obvious what was happening. At the time, though, awash with hormones, confusion, teenage angst, and denial over my sexuality, I hadn’t had a clue. Was I just regretting our breakup? Trying too hard to ignore how much I wanted one of the guys?

Now, it was plain to see that my growing attraction to Cam coincided with the slow but dramatic evolution of his clothes and hairstyle. Looking back now, even during his most feminine periods, I couldn’t think of him as anything but a boy. At the time, I’d had no idea he was quietly coming to grips with his gender identity. He’d had no idea that every time he cut his hair shorter or made his clothes more androgynous, a few more of my brain cells went rogue. When he’d asked my opinion of the chest binder he’d started experimenting with, I’d struggled to formulate an answer. Of course I’d supported anything that made Cam happy and I always would, but I’d been so fucking confused about why I couldn’t stop staring at him the first time he wore one under his clothes at school.

Becausehefeels good in it and I love seeing him this happy. Duh.

Okay, yeah, but that shouldn’t fuck with my ability to concentrate around him. Should it?

On the night of winter formal, I’d had some naively optimistic thoughts of us rekindling our relationship. The chemistry was obviously still there. We were still close even after we’d broken up. A boy could dream, right?

The morning of the dance, I’d received a text.

Will you be mad if I don’t wear a dress?

Mad? Naw, of course not. Wear what you want.

Unless it’s that Joker costume you wore on Halloween. THAT IS A BRIDGE TOO FAR, MY FRIEND.

LOL Well fuck. There goes that plan.

LMAO Uh-huh. Nah it’s cool. See you at 7?

(saluting emoji)

I hadn’t thought much of it after that. Dresses had become less and less a part of Cam’s wardrobe over the past year, so I honestly wasn’t even surprised.

But Iwassurprised when Cam stepped out onto that familiar front porch.

I’d been halfway up the steps, and I just…

I mean, fuck.“Not wearing a dress”was one thing. My dumbass teenage brain just hadn’t made it to the part where “not wearing a dress” to a formal event meant wearing a tux.

A black tux that had no business fitting that well.

He’d also cut his hair even shorter than before, adopting a very masculine look that was shaved almost to the skin on the sides with the top just long enough to style.

If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought this was Cam’s brother. But Liam had left for college last summer, and Cam didn’t have any other siblings at home.

This was…

Holy shit.

The corsage tumbled out of my hand, its plastic container popping open and sending baby’s breath and whatever else fluttering all over the steps.

“Oh! Fuck!” I doubled back to pick them up.

Once I’d recovered most of the flowers and some of my dignity, I joined Cam on the porch.

“Uh. Sorry.” I gestured with the container, which now held a corsage that definitely wasn’t worth wearing. “I guess… we can just skip this?”

Cam’s laugh had lit up my whole world. “Yeah. We can skip it. It, um… doesn’t really go with the…” He’d gestured down at himself.

“I mean, if you’d given me some warning, I could’ve gotten a boutonniere.”

“I did say I wasn’t wearing a dress.”

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