Page 107 of Man Advantage

Uncomfortable silence hung between us, and I had no idea how to fill it. What else was there to say? What would make the situation better instead of worse?

Cam flicked his eyes toward the door. “I’ll, um?—”

“I’ll get out of here,” I said evenly. “I’m sorry I interrupted your workout.”

That seemed to catch him by surprise and leave him slightly off-balance. He avoided my gaze and picked up his towel. “I… I’ve already cooled down a bit, so I’m just going to grab a shower and…” He swallowed, and he didn’t finish the thought.

Then he quickly toweled off the treadmill, grabbed his water bottle, and disappeared out of the gym.

Leaning against the wall, I listened to his footsteps fading up the stairs. There was movement above me, then nothing, so he must’ve continued up to the next floor.

With a heavy sigh, I wiped a hand over my face.

Okay. Okay, it was done. We’d had the hard conversation and we were back on the same page. Everything was the way it needed to be. Everything was good.

So when would I start feeling better?

CHAPTER 32

CAM

This was hell.

I’d thought the aftermath with Daniel had been awful, but this post-relationship coexistence with Trev was torture. I didn’t get angry whenever I saw him the way I had with Daniel. Ihurt. I physicallyachedfor him, and not just for his touch. After all those years without my friend, I’d had a taste of life with Trev again—of my world being on its axis because Trev was back in it—and now… this.

When we’d talked things through, I’d insisted I wasn’t going anywhere. I’d just wanted the lines to be clearer. I’d meant every word of that.

But now that we were actually living what we’d agreed to, I wasn’t so sure I could keep doing this after all. I needed this job and I needed the room in Trev’s house. Plus he needed someone looking after his kids, at least until the hockey season was over.

But every time I saw him or heard his voice, or every time one of the boys mentioned him, I died a little inside. I hated myself for not being able to have faith in him that he wouldn’t screw me over if things went to shit. I hated everything about this situation, especially how inescapable it felt.

I hadn’t spent another night in the place I’d shared with Daniel after I’d busted him cheating, but we’d still had to cross paths. I’d had to move out and give him back my key. We’d still worked together for that brief period before he got me fired. Just that level of interaction—being in the same eleven-thousand square foot gym without seeing or speaking to each other—had been fucking miserable.

And somehow, that didn’t hold a candle to living in the same house as Trev.

Nothing had blown up between us. No one had done anything wrong. We—or, well, I—had come to the painful conclusion that being more than friends was a bad idea.

Since then, it was hard to coexist with him at all. I missed him as much as I wanted to be far, far away from him. Sleeping alone was excruciating. I didn’t even care if we had sex; I just missed having him in bed with me. The nights when he was on the road were a relief because at least we would’ve been separated anyway. When he was sleeping across the hall, I tossed and turned all goddamned night.

And from the sound of it, he did too. His bed was pretty quiet, but it did make some noise, and the muffled creaks and groans that filtered through the walls as he tossed and turned made me feel even guiltier. Trev was such a sound sleeper most of the time, but lately, not so much. Then in the mornings, he’d be bleary-eyed and clinging to his coffee cup as he avoided looking at me. I had to imagine that every time he left for practice or a game or the airport, he was breathing the same sigh of relief I was.

We didn’t FaceTime when he was on the road anymore unless it was so he could talk to the kids. After he’d chatted with them, I’d get him up to speed on anything about what was going on in their world, and then we’d end the call. No more longconversations when we both should’ve been sleeping. No more sexting after we’d hung up. Just… silence.

It didn’t even feel like we were friends anymore. There was no hostility or animosity, but everything else had evaporated. The banter. The nostalgic conversations about our past life. Just thefriendshipthat had been missing for so damn long.

Three weeks after I’d said we couldn’t do this anymore, I couldn’ttakeit anymore. I hurt for him more than I’d ever hurt for Daniel. I missed him. I wanted to get away from him. I loved him. I was pissed at him for no rational reason besides“you exist and I can’t have you.”I was relieved every time he left the house. I was terrified he was going to fire me and send me away.

It was exhausting, and it fucking hurt. I had to do something, damn it, and every mental flowchart landed on the same solution: get out.

Go back to Seattle? Find another job here in Pittsburgh? Start over someplace else? I didn’t know. Just… get out of this house and this miserable situation.

Sometimes I thought I could hold out until the hockey season was over. Trev could focus on hockey between now and then, and once the off season started, he’d have months to find someone to take my place. That way I wouldn’t be throwing him off his game or leaving him in a lurch.

I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had, but this wasn’t getting any better for either of us.

It didn’t help that Trev wasn’t great at hiding how much this was hurting him. He had always been the type to wear his feelings on his sleeve, and he wasn’t taking this well. I could see it in the set of his shoulders and the way he avoided looking at me whenever he could help it. It came out in his voice, which was flatter than I’d ever heard it; not like he was gray-walling me or blowing me off, but like he just didn’t have the heart to put any emotion into his words.

And it showed in his hockey game too.

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