Page 105 of Man Advantage

I just didn’t know where to go from here.

I adored Trev. I wanted him. I felt things for him I never had for anyone else, including Daniel.

But my mom was right. If things didn’t work out between us, I’d be out of a homeanda job.

There was also a non-zero chance I’d lose my friend again. That was even more unthinkable than us breaking up. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been missing Trev until he’d come crashing back into my life, and the thought of returning to that—of having that void in my world that I couldn’t ignore—was heartbreaking.

How did I navigate all of this so I didn’t lose the man I’d always loved?

CHAPTER 31

TREV

I wasa mess for the rest of that road trip. Every time I saw Chats or heard his voice, I was overcome with frustration and a million other emotions. I wanted to drop gloves with him. I wanted to beg him to just be happy with Bryan and leave me the hell alone. I wanted to backhand him into next week for disrespecting Cam.

But mostly, he was just a reminder of how raw I’d felt ever since our last run-in. Of all the thoughts that had been swarming in my head like a black cloud of mosquitoes. I had to play nice with Chats if I wanted to stay in Pittsburgh… but what about Cam? How was I supposed to navigate things with Cam without upending my relationship with my kidsandmy relationship with him? What the fuck was I supposed todo?

I tried to keep all that beneath the surface in the locker room, and I tried like hell to hide it when I FaceTimed with Cam. I didn’t know how successful I was being. My teammates seemed to keep Chats at bay with silent looks. We hadn’t struck any sparks off each other in the past couple of days, which was great.

My interactions with Cam, though… those worried me.

Because I didn’t think I was being all that slick about hiding this emotional turmoil from him, but he still didn’t seem to notice. He didn’t seem to want to chat much, and he wasn’t interested in fooling around on-camera. He barely wanted to FaceTime at all. After our game in Montreal, I’d thought we were going to chat when I got back to the hotel. Instead, I was met with a text.

I’m sorry, I’m just wiped out. I’m going to call it an early night. Talk tomorrow?

We’d texted the next day, and we’d FaceTimed, but only briefly because I’d had to catch a flight. Two nights later, after a demoralizing loss in Toronto, we’d chatted, but again, not for long. He’d smiled and laughed several times, but his eyes had given him away—his heart wasn’t in it. It was like he was on another planet, or just didn’t want to talk to me, but I’d been too much of a coward to ask why. I told myself it was better to do this in person than over text or FaceTime. Was I being a coward? Probably.

I was worried. Distracted, too, and my game reflected it. I’d gone three games in a row without a point, and last night—the final game of the road trip—I hadn’t even notched a shot on goal. Coach hadn’t talked to me yet, but I could see it in his sidelong glances that I needed to get my shit together ASAP unless I wanted another one-way conversation.

At least we were finally home today. I had no idea if that would improve things with Cam, but it got me back on familiar turf and away from Chats. I’d take it.

My flight came in super late last night, and Cam had already been asleep in his own room, so I’d left him to it. This morning, he’d been out when I got up, and he’d come back twenty minutes later with some grocery bags. I’d helped him put things away,but the conversation stayed superficial and… not cold, but not warm either.

Something was wrong. I could feel it all the way to my damn core. But I also had a mountain of uncomfortable things I needed to bring up, and I was afraid to start that conversation. It was going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, wasn’t it? When I told him I was afraid of messing things up with him… I’d mess things up with him. When I told him I was afraid to lose him as my kids’ nanny… I’d lose him as my kids’ nanny. When I told him I was afraid of losing him entirely…

God, I couldn’t even think about that.

Yeah, I was probably a coward, but I wasn’t used to having quite this much on the line. At least when I’d confronted Bryan about cheating, I’d had my anger to rocket me past my fear of everything that would happen once we got that all out in the open. Divorce was terrifying, especially with kids involved, but I’d been too pissed off and hurt to let the fear get a word in edgewise.

This time, there was no anger. Not between me and Cam, anyway. Hurt, yes, but not because Cam had done anything wrong. It just hurt to think I might lose this amazing thing between us.

Except… maybe I already had lost it. The lack of eye contact and conversation from the man who’d barely spoken to me the last few days? The way he hadn’t been at all interested in sexting or even just casually texting?

Fucking hell. How had it gone so wrong, so fast? And what was onhismind? What had gone wrong onhisend?

I couldn’t handle this standoff anymore.

The long silences between me and Bryan had been a relief more often than not. At least when we weren’t talking, we weren’t fighting. The moment I’d realized that had been the moment I’d known divorce was on the horizon.

It didn’t feel anything like that with Cam. Whenever he left a room or avoided interacting with me, I was hit with this impulse to drop to my knees and beg or cry or…something. I wasn’t actually going to do anything that melodramatic, and I’d been thinking about cooling things off between us anyway, but that was how those moments left me feeling.

Finally, after I came back from practice the second day I was back in town, I decided enough was enough. Cam was in the gym downstairs, and while I didn’t like to interrupt his workouts, I couldn’t handle this tension for another minute.

He was on the treadmill, and he glanced at me when I came in, but focused out the window. I took a deep breath and came closer. “Hey. Can we talk?”

He winced.

“Cam. Talk to me. Please.”

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