Page 71 of The Games We Play
“Does Hudson know?” I ask, curious if he’s ever opened up. Because if he has, it would have been with him.
“He knows she died while I was away at camp. He was at the funeral with me. But I never told him about you. I never told anyone. For a while, I thought you were a made-up dream. Something I conjured up to get me through.” He huffs out a heavy breath and runs his hand through his hair.
“Then I scolded myself for attaching myself to you. Questioning whether or not you were a figment of my imagination or a real life angel whose memories I clung to because I needed them to survive.”
All these years, I’ve taught myself to hate him, to try and forget the time we shared because the memories were just too painful to push through some days. Yet, this entire time he’s been clinging to them like they’re his lifeline.
My heart hurts, it feels heavy in my chest as I breathe through the pain.
We both suffered in different ways because of our circumstances.
“I looked for you, I tried to search for any link I had to try and find you. I knew Shane’s last name,Smith.” He rolls his eyes. “Do you know there are fucking thousands of Shane Smiths in Texas?”
I laugh at the lightness that’s finally coming through and nuzzle into him further.
“When I saw you at Afterburn that night, all dressed in halo white, I almost died. You went from being a spirit in my dreams to being an angel in reality, and I had no idea how to process it. That was until you kicked me in the nuts and then I really wanted to die.” I toss my head back in a laugh and cover my face in embarrassment.
“I had ten years of built up anger to unleash.” I smack his arm playfully.
“Oh I know, and you unleashed it in one swift kick, sunshine.” I laugh again, the memories of our nights together flashing in the forefront of my mind.
God, I’ve missed him.
“I’m glad you did, because I knew at that moment it was real. You were real,” he says as he tucks a stray hair behind my ear, tugging gently on my ear.
“So, you looked me up after that and bought my neighbor’s house?” I ask, raising a questioning eyebrow at his tactics.
“I was determined. Iamdetermined.” He shifts on his side to face me fully.
“In my head, you’ve always been mine. But I won’t stop until the entire fucking world knows it.”
“Seamus…” I whisper.
“I won’t stop, Mimi. I’ll live next door, watching you, because I can’t keep my eyes off you. I’ll protect you even if you don’t need it. I’ll never give up on the idea of us.”
I open my mouth to reply, but he holds a finger up to my lips.
“I know it will take time to trust me, I’ll spend the rest of my life earning it.”
I shake my head. I understand the circumstances as to why he left. And in my heart, I always knew he would have never left intentionally like he did. But that night changed…everything.
When he left, a fear of abandonment branded itself to me,and the repercussions after left long term scars that I still have no idea how to process.
I’ve never been able to get close to any man. I’ve avoided opening up emotionally and physically, withholding my deepest sexual desires with any of the men I tried with.
Albeit, there weren't many. But those men also never tried to make me feel comfortable. I always used the excuse, that I liked giving pleasure and being in control as a reason to avoid them touching me or having to get physical with them in other ways, but I know I need to be honest with Seamus.
“I need to tell you something. But I’m afraid of what may happen if I do,” I confess.
His brows furrow as his dark eyes fill with concern. He pushes himself up further on his elbow, giving me his full attention.
“You know you can always tell me anything, nothing will change how I feel about you.”
I doubt it.
I roll over onto my back and close my eyes as I take a deep breath. I just hope what I am going to share with him doesn’t change how he feels about me.
I open my mouth to finally share with him what’s been weighing on me for a decade, but a large water droplet lands on my nose and splashes over my cheek. Then another on my forehead.
