Page 86 of The Promises We Break

Between Hudson and Green Day, I swear the combination triggered a face-to-face meeting of all the feelings I’ve spent years teaching myself to ignore. Now, here they are, flashing like the Las Vegas strip lights, bright and on display for the whole world to see.

I know exactly what that entire breakdown came from. Not my parents or the way they talked to me. Frankly, I’m used to that. It didn’t feel any harsher than how they’ve treated me since I was a kid. And at this point, in the famous words of Green Day,Good Riddance.

My brothers, though. They have always been my lifeline. Whenever I was drowning, grasping at straws, Benson and Cody were there. Bobby strives too much for my father’s approval to have really had my back, but I see now how desperately he needed his approval. Terrified that his sexuality would exile him from the family.

He has only had a handful of girlfriends over the years but never pursued any of them seriously. He’s been best friends with Elliot for years, yet he was never fully supportive of my relationship with him. I wonder how I never saw it before.

His secret relationship with Elliot had to have been going on for years. The fact that my father knew about them, yet still forced Elliot to pursue me, makes me nauseous. Elliot was hungry for a career in politics, and I know he felt like my dad could help him get there. So I can only assume mystepfatherused that to his advantage.

Telling Elliot to stop being gay—like it’s a choice. Forcing him to choose a career over his love for Bobby and using me to hide it all. It’s sickening.

What Elliot and I had wasn’t intimate or passionate. We were more friends than anything else, great friends, actually, and it all makes sense now. I avoided sex because of my lack of desire for it, specifically with him. But for Elliot, if he’s gay and loves my brother, of course he would have avoided it with me.

The times we did, it ended up being out of obligation. Like it was something we had to do because we were in a relationship, and it had been too long or one of us felt guilty.

God, he must have been repulsed by doing anything sexual with me.

Then there’s the mental hurdle of having sex with his boyfriend’s sister out of fear of threats from our father. No wonder he never wanted oral sex and just turned the lights off during sex. I palm my face, embarrassed. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. I can only imagine that’s exactly how Elliot felt when doing anything with me.

I’m disgusted that Bobby and Elliot used me in that way. They allowed my father to do that, knowing how much it was going to hurt everyone involved, and the sadness I feel easily warps into anger, toggling back and forth between feeling bad for them and being so fucking pissed off I can’t see straight.

I want to say this is all my father, but they made their choice, too.

I don’t want to see or talk to either one of them, at least until I manage my feelings on everything. But Benson and Cody, the fact they haven’t called or reached out to me. I don’t know if they don’t want anything to do with me now or if it’s something driven by my—I shake my head. Robert, his name is Robert. Not my father. He’s been far removed as my father, in literal terms, and in all the ways someone should be a father, and he’s never deserved that title.

I wish I would have been stronger before.

The fear he has ingrained in everyone around us, all for whatever benefit suits him.

God, it’s revolting.

I wonder what I might be missing with Benson and Cody. If they’ve been hiding something in order to avoid his wrath. It kills me that those two haven’t reached out to me. That was really the sole reason for my breakdown last night. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve ever known, but those two, they mean so much to me.

My heart aches in my chest. The heaviness that’s been lingering there for the past two days hasn’t lightened up.

I’m terrified it never will.

My chest is tender from the last two days, from the constant anxiety, and my heart seeps of pure agony. I’ve never been so aware of the fact that I have one until these past few days. Stabbing pain hits me with every beat as I recall the images of all of their faces.

I never want to feel this way again, which forces my mind to go to Hudson and how I’ve come to rely on his support. It’s just another thing I risk losing, especially knowing what we have is temporary.

I need to push back on what we’re doing. I should probably start looking for a place, since we only have a few months untilthe season is over. The team is doing so well, I think he’ll get an offer for a longer contract, and he won’t need the title we hold any longer.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand next to Hudson’s empty side of the bed. He already went downstairs, and I’ve been clinging to the comfort of the bed this morning, even though I told him I’d be down in a few minutes.

I suppose I can’t avoid life all together today.

I reach across the pillow, picking up the phone. A slight twinge of disappointment blankets me when it’s not one of my brothers, but I can’t help but smile when I see Cruz’s name on the screen. He programmed a picture of us as his contact picture; a selfie I took when we had lunch in the courtyard a couple months ago. My smile is beaming while his chin rests on my shoulder with his tongue sticking out.

I swipe to answer and put him on speaker.

“Hey, Cruz.”

“Oh my god, she lives.”

I chuckle. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Elena told me that Hudson called and you guys needed to stay an extra day. Everything okay?”

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