Page 52 of Forever Summer

“What is it, Adam? What is it that you can tell everyone else but me?”

Did he have a girlfriend? Was it Megsy? Was he re-enlisting in the army? Leaving Onslow for good? What the hell was it?

“Adam.” I said his name like a plea. I didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t tell me, couldn’t trust me enough to confide in me whatever it was he wanted to say. The future of our friendship rested so much on his response.

Adam lifted his eyes to mine; they were cast in a serious shadow that made my blood run cold. Something was wrong; I could sense it in the way he swallowed and broke his eyes away from mine, motioning his head to the space next to him.

“You better sit.”

Twenty-Four

We sat there. On the edge of my bed, in a long, drawn-out silence. I watched Adam’s profile intently, afraid to move, speak in any way that might divert him in coming out with what troubled him. His elbows rested on his thighs; he was absentmindedly fidgeting with his watchband as he stared down at the carpet.

“My mum’s sick, Ellie.”

“W-what?” I breathed, choked by the unexpectedness of his words, staring at him intently.

This couldn’t be it, surely not. I bit my lip, waiting for him to elaborate.

“She’s sick, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” His voice was low, pained; I could feel my heart ache for him. I didn’t know what to say. Unlike any situation we had faced in serious times there was no joke to lighten the mood, no words that I could possibly say to take away the anguish. His face was like thunder, and I know he was trying so hard to keep it together, doing it for me, and because of that, despite the tears that threatened to build, I tried everything in my power to keep them at bay.

Be strong, Ellie, just listen.

My hand slid over his shoulder blade, urging him to go on if he wanted, but more silence fell.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to tell myself; somehow saying it out loud made it real.”

“How long have you known?”

“Just before you moved away.”

This is why he didn’t come to my farewell party.

Oh God; my mind flashed back to all the abusive text messages I had sent him, then only when he responded did I give him the silent treatment. I shut my eyes, reeling in the horror of how much of a bitch I had been to him, Tess’s words echoing in my mind that I shouldn’t be so harsh on him—that I really needed to speak to him.

I could feel the tears well in my eyes. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, but I knew he didn’t want pity of any kind. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, and I wasn’t sure what to give. I moved off the bed onto the floor; kneeling to face him I wrapped my arms around him, giving him the physical strength that my words couldn’t provide.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want to hold you back.”

I hugged him tighter, squeezing my eyes shut, causing the tears to spill down my cheeks. So much for keeping it together.

I pulled back, gripping his shoulders to look into his face. “Don’t ever keep things from me. You are not alone, Adam, not ever.”

I could feel my heart splintering at the thought that he had been keeping this, carrying it around. I rested my arms across his legs, just like he had with me that day when he found me crying in the girls’ toilets at school, except this time with roles reversed. Adam coolly, calmly told me about his mum: the X-rays, the shadow, the treatment, the fear, the uncertainty. How it was to try to keep it together in front of his mum to make it easier for her. How he and Chris had been at each other’s throats because they weren’t dealing with it, but never talked about what was going on. Adam and Chris took it in turns to take her to treatments, because their dad needed to keep working. That was his way of dealing. It horrified me to learn that Adam had been driving past my doorstep for weeks taking his mum to appointments.

“Had I known you could have come here and—”

Adam squeezed my hand. “It’s okay, Ellie.”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not, I should have been there, you should have been able to count on me, to tell me what was going on. I can’t even imagine how you have been coping with all this.”

“Megsy’s been a real help.”

I tried not to let that hurt me, now was not the time to get jealous over Megsy, but Adam must have read it all over my face.

“Her mum went through the exact same thing a few years ago.”

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