Page 87 of Meet Me in Montreal

There was still tension in her body, in her shoulders, the way she stood apart from him. Trying to keep his growing frustration in check, he asked, “Okay, so you’re angry because we didn’t leave when you said we should. I should’ve listened to you. I thought if I —"

“I’m actually not angry about that either.” Vanessa’s smile turned sardonic. “Surprisingly, for once it’s not anger I’m feeling.”

“Then what?”

The silence before she spoke again was excruciatingly long while that ping of alarm grew louder inside him.

“You made a bad decision in the past, about Antoinette, but this week has showed me that a lot of our problems were about me. And I’m so scared.” A torrent of tears sprang from her eyes all at once and she held her face in her hands, shocking him, making him hurt for her. “I’m scared it always will be. Turns out, the call is coming from inside the house.”

She gave a watery laugh at that last horror movie joke, but for once he didn’t join her. It wasn’t funny. Nothing about her pain, her self-doubt, or what he hoped like hell she wasn’t going to say in this moment was fucking funny to him.

“But…” The air left him and he put his fists together, pacing back and forth twice, then lowering his arms back to his sides. “We worked on all that. You said you trusted me. We’re fine.”

“It’s not fine. It’s me I don’t trust.”

His heart was still pounding crazily, sending blood crashing and careening through his veins.

“Where is this going, Vanessa? What are you really saying?”

“I’m saying that Scott was right about me. I am always worried that you’ll want somebody else. I’m afraid I’ll never be enough for you, no matter how many times you tell me I am. When I saw you and Zoe like that —you half naked, her completely naked —even though I heard what she said, I still had this awful feeling inside like maybe she could have convinced you if we hadn’t walked in right then. My head said that wasn’t true and you wouldn’t have, but I felt sick picturing it happening. I felt sick.”

As if she wasn’t in fact ripping a hole in his heart now with those gut-wrenching words, those words that were cutting him, deep, drawing blood, she went on.

“Scott was right. It’ll keep happening if I don’t get a handle on it. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna make us both miserable as fuck if we just jump back into being together before I figure out where this came from.”

Santino’s emotions erupted into a loud, hard laugh that sounded crazed even to himself. When he could contain himself, she was staring at him, her eyes filling again.

“Why would you listen to a single thing that motherfucker said?He’sthe one that’s miserable. He’s wrong about you, about us. Fuck him, Vanessa. And fuck Zoe, too. She’s obviously been jealous of you and wants to see you fail. Don’t give either of them what they want,” Santino thundered.

“I told you, it’s not all about them, or even about you. It’s me. It’s in here.” Vanessa pressed the middle of her chest, looking so forlorn it made him want to cry. “I’m just…I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Maybe it’s not fair to ask you to wait for me, but please, can you just let me breathe?”

Shocked, he stared at her as the words pummeled him, each one a body blow. “Let youbreathe? You need space from me? All I did for the last three goddamnedyearswas give you space.”

The room was spinning. He was the one that suddenly couldn’t breathe. She stood watching him with those sad, sad eyes while he tried to keep himself together. With a harsh exhale, he wiped his face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t say it before, when I should have, but I’m sorry. I hurt you and I disrespected you. I put someone else first and made you doubt me. I understand that now. I can acknowledge all of that. But I thought I did enough this week to make you understand that you’re safe with me. What more can I do to prove it to you?” Santino shook his head and wiped his face again. His hands came away wet, and he wasn’t sure if it was tears or clear lava pouring from his skin. “Whatever issues you have, we can work on them together. But you can’t let that fear win. You can’t let it keep us apart. I need you.”

His voice broke. They stood locked in that moment together, him breathing fire and her retreating into that cold, lonely shadow. When she raised her chin, it wasn’t defiance flashing from her eyes. With that gaze, she begged him to understand her. And understanding meant the unthinkable.

“I’ve already forgiven you. And I need you too. But I need to fix my shit or this won’t work. You don’t deserve to be with someone who’s always expecting the worst.”

Forcefully, despite everything in him trembling, he ground out, “No. Don’t do that. Don’t you break my fucking heart and try to sell it to me like what you’re doing is in my best interest. It’s not and you know it. If this is because you really don’t want me, just say that."

He felt out of control, outside himself, his voice rising with anguish. Abruptly, he forced himself to shut the fuck up in a desperate attempt to keep even a shred of his dignity.

“I do want you. But I need to do this first.” Her lip trembling, she pushed her hair away from her face in that familiar gesture that let him know she was trying hard to keep her composure and this time she might fail.

And there it was again. That moment when the realization descended upon him, creeping downward from his head to his toes like a slow, dark mist. It enveloped him. All the beauty, all the magic, everything he’d believed was finally theirs, had been a mirage. Just a fantasy made of smoke, seeping through his grasping fingers. Then he had nothing left to hold on to. No hope for this to ever, ever change.

He nodded thickly, his throat contracting around salt and sorrow. “Okay. I said I’d give you anything you asked for and I will. You want space to figure out why you keep doing this, you’ve got it.”

Santino turned to go, not sure of what would come out of his mouth if he had to speak again. Vanessa came up behind him, to close and lock the door, he thought. But when she slid her arms around him, he paused, his head sinking forward as his eyes closed. He turned and wrapped his arms around her in turn, pulling her in tight, breathing in her wild floral scent and the very air she breathed. Drank her in, every bit of her, wishing he could take her deeper inside this house and lock her up, force her to open all of herself to him, knowing all the same it wouldn’t do any good.

She had to want this. She had to choose him.

He pressed a single kiss to her lips and caressed her cheek briefly. “I should get going.” His voice was unrecognizable even to himself as he pulled back, turned and left abruptly, before he could give in to the urge to simply refuse to leave.

But almost one week ago, he’d made a promise. And he didn’t go back on a vow once made.

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