Page 104 of How to Date a Prince

I sit down beside him as we warm up a little by the heater. It hums in the quiet. It’s like we’re in our secret world, even if it does smell rather like horses and leather.

I search his eyes. “I owe you another apology. And my gratitude.”

He blinks in surprise. “Sorry?”

My lips curl into a smile. “My gratitude is for taking such excellent care of me after the accident. And for, err, not overthrowing the kingdom so far.”

He laughs.

“Nonsense. My pleasure to take care of you. You saved me, after all. Like a prince from a fairy tale. My hero,” Thomas smiles warmly. “Some court bard somewhere should be singing your praises. I mean, you royals must have bards or something.”

“I hear you’re good at singing,” I tease gently.

He chuckles. “I don’t know if I’m so good at medieval songs.”

“Who said anything about medieval? I’ll take contemporary. Pop, even.”

Thomas laughs again. “Maybe later. And what’s the apology for?”

“For… for not opening up to you in the summer,” I tell him. “Because you meant—and still mean—the world to me. I know you have someone new in your life now. And I hope you’re happy. But I need to let you know that you’re so important to me, Thomas. I think you’re the first person that’s really seen me, that I’ve been with, even if it was for a few short secret weeks. You mean everything to me. And I wish I could have told you that then and not pushed you away.”

Thomas looks startled. He sets his tea down. “I…”

“You don’t need to say anything. I mean, I know why I acted the why I did. Which was out of fear, mainly. And my urge to please my father and do what was expected of me. Except if I’m honest”—I hold his gaze—“I need tell you something. Which is: I’ve fallen in love with you. And I know it’s too late. But I want to tell you that. And I will find a way to live my life and let go.”

A range of emotions shift over Thomas’ fine features, a raw sort of vulnerability settling over him. His eyes are a little too bright. “Oh, Auggie,” he whispers. “I?—”

I reach out and squeeze his arm. “I don’t expect you to say it back. I mean?—”

Then, Thomas shifts closer to me, catching my jaw. He leans in to kiss me. But before he does, tantalizingly close, I put a hand on his forearm to still him. “Wait. Please. There’s how I feel, but there’s also how you feel. And what you want. And need. Like… like Adam. Like your obligations to your family.” I gulp back some air, like I’ve already used all the air in the tack room. “I needed to tell you for my sanity. To prove that what we had meant something. That it was real. In the studio recaps, I’ve also told the British public about how I feel about you, too, on the voice-over. I—I hope you’re not angry. But—you’ve been clear about your path. And my path is still my path.”

He pauses to search my eyes, blushing. “I’m not angry. I saw them. They called me in for interviews, too, and played back yours as well… I’m honored, Auggie.”

“And I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I owe you another apology as well. I’ve been so selfish. All this time, I’ve been thinking of me. And about running away from my problems. But I haven’t considered the impact of all of this on you too. The accident was as traumatic for you as it was for me. And I suppose breaking up…”

“Auggie,” he whispers roughly. “I’ve missed you so much. I can’t even tell you. It was the hardest thing I’ve done, letting you go. And… and I don’t know if I can go there again. Even if Adam and I are taking a break. I think he’s seeing someone else. We’re due to talk again when he flies in on Friday.” He swallows. “Losing you hurt too much the first time around. I would be ruined a second time. And, well, as amazing as you are, I can’t be your secret. I’ve put so much into trying to develop myself as a person and then into this personal growth app business. I’ve… I’ve told my father that his political campaigns are his business and not mine. His path is not my path. And you… your circumstances haven’t changed. You’re still a prince. Most of all, you’re a prince officially in the closet about who he is.”

I redden, nodding slowly. “You’re right,” I say simply. “You’re totally right.”

“I need to be with someone who can be present, you know. No matter how I feel about you. I’ve been out since I was fourteen. I’m proud to be gay. I’ve been lucky I have had supportive parents and no concerns about my sexuality, at least. I suppose I took that freedom for granted.” He gazes at me over the untouched food.

“I wish I knew what that was like,” I say wryly. “My father sent me away to boarding school for kissing another boy when I was thirteen.”

Thomas stares. “He what?”

“He couldn’t deal with it, I guess. He claimed it was family tradition to board at Eton. Which he did.” I shrug. “So, I did too. Except unlike him, I had several boyfriends at school. Secretly. Not all at once. Even with all of the sneaking around. He doesn’t know about that.”

Thomas laughs despite himself.

Taking that as a good sign, I press on. Because I want him to know about me and my life. I can at least give him that.

“I explored my sexuality. I found out what it was to have my heart broken more than once. Being a prince doesn’t provide immunity from heartache, I’ve learned. At college, I had more freedom again with my friends and dating and hooking up. I couldn’t continue when uni finished and the real-world expectations of me came into full effect. I needed to be Prince Auggie, heir to the throne. Public-facing and dedicated to my future role.”

“And,” Thomas asks carefully, “how happy has that path made you?”

I sigh. Trust happiness to come into it. It’s such a modern idea. Royal weddings in the past were nearly all strategic. Forget feelings. Duty over heart. “I wouldn’t say it’s been happy. That’s a luxury that doesn’t weigh into my responsibility. I mean, in the old days, I could be having a marriage of allegiance and lovers on the side. But I don’t want to live a dishonest life either. I don’t want that. I don’t think my mother would have wanted that for me. It’s the twenty-first century, after all.”

“What do you want for yourself? If you could have anything you wanted?” Thomas asks. He looks glum.

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