Page 52 of When London Snow Falls

He squeezes my hand, then lifts it to kiss the inside of my wrist. Distracting, curse him. I shiver.

“I won’t disappear on you. I have a short trip home for a few days but I’ll be back before you know it. And we can see each other again if you want. I do. Just…talk to me. What are you thinking?”

My face is on fire. May as well let him know everything and then we’ll see what he makes of me. “You’ll be off having a great time in Edinburgh. I’m going home to my parents’ house briefly for what promises to be another awkward Christmas Eve gathering with my family. I’m the black sheep of the family, by the way. ’Cause of my screwups. And then I need to go to Wales for actual Christmas.”

His focus is so intent on me, I wonder if he even remembers to breathe. It’s unnerving.

“What screwups?” Ben asks gently.

And there’s a landslide of memories jumbled all at once. Disappointing people. Hurting people. Hurting myself too.

Out with it. You’ve stalled long enough.

“You truly want to know?”

“Yes.”

I sigh. Confession time, at last.

And out with the rest.

“I had a long spell with drink and drugs that started in school and got really out of hand. When people went off galivanting for their gap year, I did rehab and therapy. A lot of it.”

Ben squeezes my hand again.

“I can have drinks now and again. Casual. I’ll smoke a joint on occasion. But that’s it. Nothing more than that. I lost people I cared about ’cause of it. And I know it sounds silly, because I’m young…”

“Not at all. Addiction happens to people of all ages.”

I could nearly weep with relief to hear Ben say that.

“It’s been hard.” Tentative, I fidget. “There’s been fuck-ups along the way. Relapses. But…in that year, the year where I was out of control, some bad things happened. I nearly died. And I experimented with a lot of things…and…one thing led to another, and I had sex with a friend, and she got pregnant. And so…I’m a father.” I hold his gaze, unwavering. Through all the struggles of the last few years, the best thing to happen to me was Carys. She gave me something to focus on when I couldn’t see the way. “I have a little girl. She’s two. I don’t see her often enough, not nearly as much as I’d like. It’s terrible having her so far away. So I have to go see her for Christmas. I mean, I want to. I need to.”

“Aww, bless, Charlie.” Ben shifts to hold me tight.

And it’s silly, but I cry into his shoulder, letting out the tension caught in my body. He hasn’t run away. Or kicked me out. In fact, I sense no kind of judgment from him. I don’t understand why not. “I wish I could be there more with my daughter, but I can’t be there often enough, and I hate it. Everything I do—well, she has to come first.”

“What’s her name?” Shifting, Ben carefully wipes tears from my face.

I straighten, trying to gather my composure. “Carys. I’ll show you a photo in a while, if you want.”

“I would love that. When you’re ready.”

Feeling unsteady, I sip on my tea. I can just hear my therapist congratulating me on being vulnerable, about sharing things with someone I care about. I’m only starting to know Ben, but there’s something calming about him. Something I can trust. Where does his strength come from?

“And that’s all right?” I ask, searching his eyes.

“Of course it’s all right. It’s all part of your history. Who you are. And I love knowing who you are, Charlie.”

“Oh God, cheers. Because some people still just see me as a screwup. Including myself.”

Ben shakes his head. “No. From what I’ve seen, you’re anything but. You work hard. You’re in uni?”

I nod. “Full-time…”

“Aye. And you work.”

“True…”

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