Page 7 of Everyone Is Lying to You

Hey you

I am now a “you”? And I merit a “hey”?

My fingers hover over the keys of the phone, but I wait to answer and go to the bathroom again and do Wordle before writing back. Why I’m treating Bex like I would a middle school crush, I have no idea.

My New Year’s resolution this year was to stop bringing my phone into the bathroom with me because it is both disgusting and contributes to my overabundance of anxiety-inducing screen time. The initial joy of opening the phone typically lasts about three minutes and is quickly replaced with dread. But I’ve failed miserably at this resolution. It was easier to quit smoking in my twenties than to not stare at my screen while I poop at age thirty-six.

And that’s what I’m doing when I reply to Bex.

Oh. Hey you. It’s early there.

Two can play at the “hey you” game.

I get up at 5 so I can get grounded and have me time before the kids are awake. Also we get up with the sun. Farm life. Haha

You live on a farm?

I don’t even know why I’m pretending that I haven’t seen her cows’ nipples.

Yeah. Just a small place. 125 acres. It’s gorg. You would love it

I never once indicated that a farm is something I would love during our college friendship. Neither did she.

Cool.

So you’re an editor at Modern Woman. That’s amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My inner copy editor tries to ignore the surfeit of exclamation marks.

Still there!

Exactly one exclamation mark.

I do get a little thrill that she knows this about me and I want to make it sound better than it is, better than a whittled-down team of writers, editors, and designers chugging away at a magazine half its previous size, all of us working from our bedrooms, and some from their parents’ basements, everyone hoping to get another year or two out of it before the inevitable next round of layoffs.

Just prepping for the big September issue. Always a slog, but #worthit.

Who the fuck am I?

So much cooler than my days. Running after kids CONSTANTLY and baking bread. You have littles too though right????????

I hate the wordlittlesthe same way I hate the wordhubby. I don’t say that part of me would maybe love to chase them around all day instead of dropping them off at their “camp” or their “preschool,” both of which are essentially glorified and overpriced day care that will drain our bank account until the start of public kindergarten. We paid all the deposits for these things a year in advance, back when we thought Peter would have a job by now. And of course they are nonrefundable so we put our children in the daily holding pens and pay through the nose so maybe Peter can eke out enough of a novel that someone might want to buy it.

I don’t say that sometimes I long to be with my kids, chasing them through a field, at the same time as I long for intense solitude where I can be blessedly alone without anyone touching me or needing me, so that I can work and feel like a productive person in the world. All of these things are all true at the same time.

I’ve always had this question about her Instagram account.Doesshe run after her kids all day? Six is a fuck ton of children. And I don’t know how anyone manages raising any number of kids without help, especially while posting as many pictures and stories and reels as she does on three or four different socialmedia platforms. I noticed the other day that Bex just started a newsletter. I imagine she has the kind of invisible help that celebrities have. I once interviewed the team of nannies who cared for the kids of a world-famous reality television family. Their NDAs had expired and they told me that whenever they spied a paparazzo in the bushes they had explicit instructions to hand the children to the mother and essentially dive out of sight like a CIA agent avoiding a sniper.

I don’t respond to Bex for a few minutes while I head back to my desk and try to put out a fire about a cover story that hasn’t been turned in on time. When I return to my phone Bex has sent a barrage of what seem like harried messages.

I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I’m sure you are CRAZY busy. But I had this wild idea and well…No it’s probably stupid

But I have been working on something out here. Something new and we are trying to get some press for it and I thought about you

You’re like one of the best writers I know and you know me so I think you would get this and get me and be fair about it and everything

And well I’m pretty private about things these days so I don’t want to invite just anyone into my home

Is there any chance…No probably not…

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