Page 26 of The Missing Ingredient

Another slip. Another card shown.

Marcus could not stop the disappointment showing in his face. Even though he thought he had done well nurturing the girls when Tom could not be there, having the soft touch of a caring woman in their lives someday in the future might be good for them. But not so soon. Maybe Tom sensed Marcus’s feelings, because he quickly added, “I haven’t seen anyone yet. Call me old-fashioned, but I can only hold feelings for one person at a time. Unlike my teammates at the club, I can’t just turn them on and off to suit.”

“What is this about, then?”

“I’m doing this for the girls.”

“So what?” said Marcus, surprised at the force of emotions that hit him. “My job here’s done, is that it? Thanks for playing, Uncle Marcus, but we don’t need you around so much anymore?”

“No, that’s not what I mean—” said Tom, shaking his head. “Why is this so hard for me?”

“Hard for you?” said Marcus. His eyes burned now, despite attempts to hold his emotions at bay. “If you really want me to back out of your lives, you at least owe me a truthful explanation. Who wants me to back away? Is it your mother?”

“No, Marcus. The decision is wholly mine.”

“But why?” he cried before clenching his jaw and stepping into Tom’s personal space, causing the bigger man to back away a step. “I love those girls. Like they’re my own. And I thought I was helping you. Thought I was making things better, making a difference.”

“You are. You have. But—”

“But what?”

“All right,” said Tom, gently pushing Marcus away from him. “The problem is mine, okay?”

“With what?”

“With you.”

“Me? I don’t understand.”

“I can’t be in the same room as you, Marcus. Not without—”

Marcus felt shame creep across his face and couldn’t bear the sudden pause, wanted to fill the silence. What the hell had he done to embarrass the man? Was this about him being gay? Was this about the woman at the water park who thought they were a couple?

“Without what? Come on, Tom,” said Marcus, his voice softening to a plea. “Tell me. I thought we were getting along much better now. What did I do?”

“You didn’t do—” said Tom, expelling a heavy breath and staring at the ground. Defeated, he leaned against the doorframe, put a hand to his hairline, and pushed a handful of hair back. “For fuck’s sake. Why is this so hard?”

“You need to tell me, Tom. Tell me what I did wrong. So I can try to fix it.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. And there’s nothing to fix. You’ve just been…you. I know it sounds clichéd, but this is really about me, not you. Oh hell, how do I begin?” said Tom, his voice calming as his steady blue eyes met Marcus’s. “You’re right, we are getting along much better. But the problem is I’ve—oh shit—I’ve developed feelings for you, Marcus. Okay? Beyond brotherly affection. And it’s confusing the hell out of me. Six weeks ago you left to go traipsing around New York for almost a month. A whole bloody month. Left me trying and failing to do everything for the girls without my copilot. Without my best friend. Felt as though my arm had been amputated. And when you turned up at my mother’s house that Sunday you flew back, the moment I chanced to look up and spot you smiling that goofy bloody smile of yours…. Fuck. Something plowed right into me. Thought I’d been run over by an express train. I wanted to leap across the garden, wrap you in my arms, and kiss the life out of you. No matter who was watching. Wanted to throw you over my shoulder, haul you inside, and fuck you senseless. Until you promised never to leave again.

“That night I lay awake, disgusted at myself, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I told myself that once you were back home for a while and things got back to normal, the feelings would go away. But it’s the opposite. Like they’ve been unleashed into the wild and now I can’t haul them back. Lately they’re never far from my thoughts. And whenever I see you, they hit me hard. And I’m sick with worry that I might act on them one day and scare you off forever. And I can’t let that happen, not again. But if you could justpleasebe a little less present in our lives—inmylife—I might be able to cope better when you’re around.”

Marcus hadn’t realized his mouth was hanging open until his own startled voice sounded. “Fuck, Tom.”

Marcus knew he should say something more, but words had abandoned him. Tom, his idea of an ideal man, fancied him?Him.Wanted to kiss him? To fuck him? Maybe this could have happened in one of his rare erotic dreams, but in real life?

One look at Tom’s tortured expression told Marcus he meant every word. Moreover, Tom would never joke about such a thing. Had Marcus inadvertently given off signals of attraction? If so, he had no idea when, had recently done his damnedest to distance himself from Tom. Besides, Marcus considered himself pretty skilled at letting men know if he was attracted to them. His gaydar rarely let him down. Until this. Worst of all, what was he supposed to do with this little nugget?

“You see. I’ve disgusted you.”

His head lowering, Tom folded his arms around his chest, his misery palpable. Marcus took the opportunity to study this incredibly handsome man he had worshipped for years, while in his head the words “fuck you senseless” kept repeating over and over.

“No, you haven’t. I’m just—surprised, maybe, but not disgusted. Shit, Tom, give me a minute to process this—”

“God knows I didn’t make it happen. I’ve only really ever had feelings for one person.”

“I know.”

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