Page 61 of Hate So Deep

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” he says. “I’m willing to help you. You know how important it is for me to see my boys succeed.”

“Thanks,” I mutter. “I’m good.”

It sickens me to hear him spout this shit. He doesn’t care about me but now he can tell anyone who will listen that he offered to help but I shut him down.

As long as I’m the asshole, he can play the hero.

“Think about it, son,” he says. “This is your future. Don’t waste it because you blame me for things you can’t possibly understand.”

“I am who I am, and I will not change,” I say, and he whips around. It’s the same bullshit he used to say to our mother when he was beating on her.

Yeah, I remember dick. How could I forget?

I’ve been repeating the mantra in my head for years and when I need to remind myself that I’m doing the right fucking thing, I say it out loud.

It’s the only way to change this fucking cycle and I’m determined to do just that. I will not be my father…ever.

“Don’t waste your breath,” I continue when he doesn’t comment. “I was there, remember? You wanna blow smoke up Cory’s ass, fine. We both know what you did to Mom.”

He did this. He created us and this fucked up life and maybe I made my own choices, but it came out of pride, his pride and even still, he refuses to acknowledge what he’s done.

“Is this about the girl?” he says, throwing out a curveball.

When I don’t respond because if I do, I will end the game, he runs his hand through his graying blonde hair and says, “You were too young Dirk. It would have ruined your life.”

Where my brother gets his dark, delicate features from our mother to my eternal disgust, I look exactly like my dad, or so I’m told.

When I truly accept what I see, it’s like looking into a mirror of my future and it scares the shit out of me.

“I did what was best for you,” he says. “Someday you’ll understand.”

Of course, he only sees what he wants to, and this is where I break my silence, even knowing I’ll regret it later.

“Please enlighten me,” I grunt. “How did blackmail and fucking extortion help?”

I feel no victory when he looks away, his jaw tight. The only thing he did when he bulldozed through my world was to ruin what I thought was my future.

“You don’t understand,” he says.

“Oh? This wasn’t about me,” I say, slashing my hand through the air. “It was about money. It’s always about money with you.”

“Really? You couldn’t even pass a math test, and you thought you were going to support a wife…a family?”

“Fuck you!” I bark, pointing my finger at his face.

He doesn’t know shit. I was the one who made a pact in the dark of night. I was the scared stupid ass teenager with nothing but useless hope in my heart.

I thought I could change the world we were born into, and I did everything humanly possible to keep that promise, all for a girl who was never going to choose me.

My palms tingle in anticipation of wrapping my hands around his scrawny fucking neck and squeezing until he’s fucking blue in the face.

Instead, I say, “You gave up the right to make decisions about my future when you forced my mom out the door. You’re not a father. You’re a sack of shit. I know what you did, and you better drop this shit now, or you will fucking regret what I do next.”

When he locks his jaw, his nostrils flared, I brace for the onslaught, just like I have a million fucking times before.

However, he pauses, probably because the last time he tried to touch me, I showed him just how much of a weak ass little bitch he is.

“Don’t you want to know where she is?” he asks, and this is when I falter.

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