Page 96 of His to Bedevil

“Then why do you look at me like that?” I wrap my fingers around his wrists.

“I hate that you got hurt because of being with me. Because you’re my wife.”

“It’s not your fault, Alejo,” I argue.

“You almost died because of me.” He raises his voice some.

I shake my head as much as he’ll allow it. “No, I’malivebecause of you. You saved me.”In more ways than one.

“I wouldn’t have to save you if it wasn’t for me!” he yells in my face, and right now, he looks like he’s on the edge of insanity.

I take one of his hands off of my face and place it over my heart. “You feel that? It’s beating because ofyou.”It’s beatingforyou.“I’m breathing because ofyou.” Leaning in, I brush my lips across his, and he closes his eyes. “I’ve never felt more alive. All because of you,” I whisper, and press my lips against his.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss, and he soon pulls back. He takes my arms from around his neck, unwrapping them. “You still need to rest, my love,” he says, again hardly able to look me in the eye.

“Will you stay with me for a little while? I mean, if you have time, that is.” I just want him to hold me. I need to feel like he still wants me.

He gives me a sad smile, and it cracks my heart. I’m losing him. I can feel it. “Sure,mi amor. I always have time for you.”

He climbs into bed next to me and lets me curl into his side. I feel his heart rate accelerate, but it isn’t enough. I need some kind of sign, anything to show that he still wants me. That he’s still obsessed with me. That he might love me. I need to feel the intimate connection with him. It’ll tell me everything I need to know. He hasn’t touched me other than in an emollient way since we left Serbia.

I climb on top of Alejo boldly and whip my shirt up and over my head. Leaning in, I kiss him deeply and start to undo the buttons on his dress shirt. “Irma,” he whispers, but I ignore him and start rolling my hips. “Irma, you have to stop. You’re still healing from everything.” I keep ignoring him and pepper his jaw and neck with kisses. I feel him growing hard underneath me, and it only encourages me. “Irma,” he snaps, and grabs my forearms, jerking me back. I stare at him in horror as he stares at me in pain. “I am not having sex with you right now,” he barks, and I’ve never felt like crying more. There have been many times that I wanted to just break down and let the tears finally flow, but right now is the hardest I’ve ever had to fight them back. It’s ten times more painful than getting my face smashed in. Ten times more unpleasant than being practically starved to death.

I climb off of him, feeling mortified and hurt. I can’t look at him, and I just want to crawl under a rock and die. He doesn’t want me. He’s not obsessed with me anymore, and he most definitely doesn’t love me. I’m such a fucking fool. I knew he would tire of me someday, but I let myself forget. I let myself buy into this whole fantasy.

“Hey,” he says softly, and turns my face to his by my chin. He looks at me with pity, and I hate him for it. “I want you,mi amor. I want you so fucking bad.” He takes my hand and rubs it over his erection through his pants. “I always want you. Never doubt that.Ever.I just want you to have more time to heal.”

I don’t want to listen to him anymore. I just want him to leave. To leave me alone to wallow in self-pity. To accept the fact that Alejandro will never love me like I love him. I’m in love with my husband, but he is not in love with me.

Taking my hand away from him, I turn my back to him and bury myself in the covers. I feared that when I emoted my love for him and I began to return his affection, he would lose interest. Alejo liked the chase, and I am no longer trying to run. I now runtohim.

I feel Alejo rise from the bed without a word, and a moment later, the bedroom door closes behind him. I swallow the lump in my throat and decide that this won’t make me feel any better. Nothing will.

I end up taking an hour-long shower, and when I emerge from the bathroom wearing my robe, I find Benita there with a big lunch spread. “Mija!I thought we could have a nice lunch together and some much-needed drinks,” she announces with excitement.

I can’t help but let a smile loose. Benita has been so incredibly supportive and has not once looked at me any differently. “I could definitely use a drink or two.”Make it ten.

She lets me go into my closet to get dressed before joining her. “I thought we could eat lunch in here and then sit out on the terrace for drinks,” she suggests, and I nod in agreement.

She goes on to tell me a little gossip from around the estate and about what she’s been up to with her hand in the business. I sit there and politely listen, but my mind is elsewhere. As always, it’s on Alejo. Though it’s not reminiscing about the good times, it’s mulling over what is going on with him.

After we’re done eating, we head out onto the terrace, and I sit in the sun, not caring if I get burnt. I just need to feel the heat on my face. “What’s troubling you,mija?” Benita asks gently.

“I feel like I’m losing him,” I answer her honestly. I hiccup, choking down a sob that’s bubbling up.What is it about this woman that makes me want to cry?

“Oh,mija.” Benita gets up and joins me on my lounger, taking me into her arms like a loving mother would. “You could never lose him. My son loves you too much.”Then why can’t he just say the words? Why can’t he even look at me? How can he reject me?“If you only knew what it was like for him those few days you were gone. He was so lost. A broken man. I have no doubt that if you didn’t make it out of there alive, I would have lost a son.”

I look up at Benita and want to believe her. I wish I could believe every word she’s saying, but Benita has been Team Irma and Alejo since day one. She’s always been rooting for us, and I think she always will, no matter what.

Benita asks if I’d like to go for a walk, but I decline her offer and say that I’m tired. I can’t be around anyone right now. I’m too close to breaking down. As soon as she leaves the room, I run to the bathroom and throw up everything I ate and drank. Thinking about it being over between Alejo and me makes me sick to my stomach. I’m losing him, I just know it, and I don’t know what I’ll do without him.

Now, it’s only a matter of time until he lets me go, because I know that’s what he’ll do. He blames himself, and he doesn’t love me to selfishly keep me. He doesn’t understand that a life without him would be a slow and painful death for me. I would just let the days drift by until it was my time to leave this earth. He doesn’t understand, because he doesn’t love me. I thought he did, but he doesn’t.

He. Doesn’t. Love. Me.

Dinner is sent up to me, and I refuse it. I’ll end up just throwing it up anyway. My stomach still in knots.

It’s late when Alejo comes in. I pretend to be asleep, and I hear the bathroom door close and the shower turn on. I lie there staring into space, and when he comes out of the bathroom, I close my eyes. When he crawls into bed behind me, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. I feel him nuzzle his face into my hair, and I hear him inhale my scent. At night, he still wants to be close to me, but when we’re awake, he eschews me.

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