Page 112 of His to Bedevil

“Do what? Imprison you? Starve you? Manipulate you into marrying him? What?”

“No, I’m not talking about any of that.” Done with this conversation and his trying to be the arbiter here, I stomp off toward the house.

How can these intelligent men be so damn perverse?

Thankfully, Alejo isn’t in our room when I get up there, and I can shower in peace. After that, I crawl back into bed. Where I remain most of the time.

Alejandro

It’s been almost a month, and all Irma has done is sleep. She hardly eats, never speaks, and when I have the doctor check on her, he diagnoses her with depression. Fucking depression. She’s worse than she was in Colorado.

She hasn’t even tried to fight me. Since she has no clothes of her own anymore, she wears my T-shirts around. She lets me curl my body around hers every night without a fuss, and she doesn’t say a word when I carry her into the shower or the bath and bathe her. All she does is stare blankly right through me. It’s worse than her tantrums. I finally realize that this is her form of punishment to me. And fuck, it’s working. It’s painful to see her like this.

We’re lying in bed together after a shower one night. It’s dark in our room and, as always, silent. “Irma.” I brush the damp hair away from her face and kiss her cheek. “Mi amor, please talk to me,” I whisper in her ear. “Yell at me, throw shit at me, scream. Anything. You made your point. I hurt you. I know I did. I swear to you, I will never hurt you again. It was never my intention to do so in the first place. I just wanted you safe, and I thought as long as you were with me, you wouldn’t be.”

I don’t expect a response from her, so when she opens her mouth, I am unprepared for what comes out of it. “I finally felt like I had a home. A family. You gave me a life I never knew I wanted. You dangled it in front of me, then ripped it away. Like this is all just a big game to you.” Her voice is so small right now, sounding nothing like my Irma. “You abandoned me.”

“My love—”

“Don’t,” she snaps, and shoots up into a sitting position. Even in the dark, I can see the fire burning in her eyes. I bite back a smile that’s beginning to form. I’m so fucking relieved to see her coming alive again. “I finally figured out who I was meant to be! Where I was meant to be! Then you just cast me aside! Like I was nothing!” she screams.

“You keep saying that like it was easy for me,” I snap back, and sit up. “I was trying to protect you. How can you not see that?” I raise my voice at the end.

She shakes her head. “Bullshit,” she hisses. “You got bored! Just fucking admit it!” she yells.

“Stop saying that!” I bellow.

She chuckles. “I was such a fucking fool. Not only for falling in love with you, but for actually thinking that you loved me back.”

“I do!” I cut her off before she can continue with her delusional thoughts. “Why the fuck do you think I was willing to give you up? If I didn’t love you, Irma, why did I fucking keep you, marry you? I did all of that shit because I was in love with you, and I’m a selfish man by nature. But I couldn’t be selfish when it came to you anymore. Your life means too much to me. And after everything you’ve been through, you deserved a better life than the one I can give you. One where you can’t spread your wings. One where you’re confined to a fucking cage! Because no matter what, you can’t have complete freedom if you’re with me!”

“You love me?” she asks, not in shock but as if seeking confirmation.

“Yes, Irma. I love you.Sogoddamn much,” I say with relief.

“Then how could you let me go?” I can see her chin begin to tremble, and I want to reach out and calm her with my touch, but I know if I touch her before she’s ready, she’ll just shut back down.

“I was trying to protect you.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “See, if you loved me even remotely like the way I love you, you wouldn’t physically be able to let me go. I could never willingly give you up. No matter what.That’show much I loved you. Someone would have to pry you from my cold, dead fingers.”

I’m a very proud man, but for her I can admit where I am wrong. “I fucked up, Irma. I could not fathom the thought of your death ever being on my hands. Goddammit, if you died because of being with me, the earth would tremble from my wrath. The seas would roar. The stars would fall. I would make the devil himself look like a fucking saint. I know I’m not a good man, I know that. But I do have a heart, and that heart beats for you. Without you, I have no heart, no soul. Losing you is the worst possible pain that I could ever imagine. What I feel for you is even more than love, Irma. It’s the reason for being. You are my reason for existence.”

Her chin trembles again, and I see a single tear slip from her glassy eyes and run a trail down her cheek. Hooking a finger, I scoop it up. “You let me go without letting me know that you love me. Do you understand how painful that was?”

“Irma, I was also—”

“No,” she cuts me off vehemently. “No, you got to live your days at least knowing that I loved you. That I, in fact, returned your love.You.You made me think you didn’t love me. That I wasn’t enough for you. That my love was worthless. Just like everyone I have ever loved.” She chokes on a sob as another tear escapes. “You didn’t just hurt me, Alejo. You made me feel so fucking worthless.”

“I’m so sorry, my love.” I forget to restrain myself, and I cup her face in my hands. “I’m so fucking sorry. I love you. I love you so much. Goddammit, I love you,” I rasp, and then lean in and kiss her lips. “I love you,” I whisper against them.

“Letting me go was sending me to my grave,” she whispers as she remains stiff in my hands. “Any life without you was not a life worth living. If you love me like I loved you, then you know that life without you would be pure agony. I would rather die with you than ever try to live without you.” She lightly places her fingers over my wrists and gently pushes them away. Without another word, she lies back down, giving me her back and her silence once again.

I lie down behind her and wrap her in my arms. I press my lips to her neck. “I love you. As long as heaven and earth still exist, you have my heart,” I whisper, and close my eyes, content with the burden slightly being lifted. I made her feel worthless. Fuck. Me. As if she hadn’t gutted me enough.

The next morning when I rise before the sun, I kiss Irma on the lips and whisper, “I love you.” She’s still sleeping, and I sit there for a long moment before getting out of bed. I should have told her those words forever ago. She’s right. At least when I let her go, I knew she loved me. It was something I got to hold on to and cherish. Not only did I break her heart by letting go of her, I made her feel…worthless. Incapable of being loved. She wasn’t loved by her own parents, and then she thought she wasn’t loved by her own husband. I’m a fucking idiot and the worst kind of bad.

I shower and get ready for the day. She’s still asleep when I leave the bedroom and head downstairs. I haven’t taken much time off like I originally planned to. It’s best if Irma and I keep a little bit of our distance, otherwise we might just kill each other. Maybe not actually kill each other, well, I can only speak for myself, but I know we would be at each other’s throats. She needs to hold her grudge and punish me for a while. Continue to abjure my apologies and reasonings. That’s okay, I’ll let her. She made me realize I deserve it. If I thought Irma never loved me and wanted to leave me, I don’t know what I would do. It would make me believe love was only a myth.

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