Page 30 of Need for Speed

“Hey man, its Axell,” I tell him since I doubt, he recognized the number.

“Oh, hey where did you disappear to?” he asks.

I shrug before realizing he can’t see my reaction. “Nowhere and everywhere all at once,” I reply

Tillman chuckles. “That’s vague.”

“Just a little. Anyways, I should get the car finished up over the weekend.”

“You sure?” Tillman questions. “I know you’ve got a lot going on and I can wait for it.”

I laugh. “Thanks for understanding but I need to get it done. Work is a good distraction from everything else. Plus, the longer this car stays in the shop the more tempted I am to hop behind the wheel and race the hell out of it.”

“You know I’d let you.”

“I know,” I tell him quietly. Tillman would let me race the car. That’s the one thing about him I’ve always admired, he is always willing to give without judgement. We hang up and I head out to the car. I stand back to appreciate the beauty of it. I’ve just slid under the car when I hear Bowie and Jagger enter the shop. I hate to admit it, but my heart sinks a little. The idea of facing Jagger after hitting him is a hard one for me.

I hear a low whistle. “Well, I’ll be damned. You finally found your way back home,” I hear Bowie say.

I take a deep breath before sliding out from underneath the car. Standing up I take the time to wipe my hands clean even though they aren’t dirty before I turn around to face my brothers. Bowie and Jagger are both standing with their arms crossed over their chests and smirks on their faces. “I told you I’d be back.”

Bowie nods. “You did and normally I would believe you, but you’ve been very unlike yourself lately, so I wasn’t sure if I should believe you this time.”

“I know,” I reply. Finally, I bring myself to meet Jagger’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I messed up, hitting you was a huge mistake. I was upset and taking it out on you didn’t make anything better.”

Jagger shrugs. “It’s okay. I knew something was bothering you even if you wanted to deny it. Besides, Londynn thought the bruise was sexy so maybe I owe you a thank you.” Before I realize it Jagger steps forward and pulls me in for a quick hug.

After that we disperse to get back to work. I’m closing down the shop when I see all four of my brothers sitting off to the side of the shop on the picnic table our dad put there. They wave me over. As I approach, I see an array of junk food spread out on the table. I pat Jovi on the back as I sit down next to him. We eat and catch up and for a moment. I feel at peace but then I’m reminded of my missing piece and the fact that I don’t know what to do about our situation.

Chapter 15

Sadie

It’s been three weeks since I got back to Aynor and for the most part, I’ve found a routine. My mother’s health continues its slow decline. She’s sleeping more than when I first arrived. Somehow, she manages to never miss her soap operas. She sits outside on the porch as the sun is setting and admires the garden that I planted for her. It’s full of every kind and color of flower I could find at the store. I purchased ones that were already in bloom instead of seeds, so my mother could enjoy them.

Drake gets up every morning and waters the garden before we start our daily chores. I fix lunch then he heads to work. We still haven’t found our footing, but I didn’t expect us to. I do fear that our relationship will always be this way. I wish I could magically fix it. I wish I had been healthier mentally after his birth, so I could have been the mother he deserved. I wish a lot of things these days, but I can’t bring myself to regret my decision though. Drake has had a great life and it’s one that I couldn’t have given him until after college and I’m glad that he didn’t have to suffer his early years that way.

My days are filled with cleaning out the years of stuff that my mother has accumulated. After a few hours of that I move to cleaning up the house and making lunch. I always make sure to sit down in the afternoon with my mother and watch the afternoon soap operas. In the morning Drake sits with her and watches also. I stay clear because I figure he needs his time with her too. His life is about to change, and I think he’ll need this closure in the long run.

Mom has a doctor’s appointment today, so Drake helps me load her in the car. He promises to DVR her morning soapoperas before we leave. My mother turns on the radio as we pull out of the driveway.The Beatlescome on and she starts to sing along. My mother always did loveThe Beatlesand she would sing along to their songs no matter where she was or who was around. I laugh at the memories of us road tripping back before Dale came into our lives. We’d go away on a weekend or for a week during the summer and it was always filled withThe Beatles. They were the soundtracks of my youth. Every good memory I have from that time in my life has one of their songs attached to it. Without a second thought I start to sing along with my mom.

My mother fell asleep about halfway to Myrtle Beach and the doctor’s appointment didn’t go so well. It’s not that we expected a miracle and for her to be healed or even allotted more time in her life, it’s just that it never gets any easier to hear. You can convince yourself that you are prepared but you never really are. When we got back home Drake had already gone to work. I struggle to get her into the house, but we manage. Starting tomorrow Hospice will start coming in twice a day to check on her.

Even without a nursing degree I know what that means, we’re close to the end. Once mom is asleep, I go outside on the porch and sit in one of the rocking chairs. I have a cup of mint tea and scroll my cell phone while I rock. I’ve been nauseated off and, on all day, and they say mint helps that. It starts to sprinkle as I sit there. I make it through my day’s fine because I’m busy. I have things to do and people to take care for, but the nights are a different story. The nights are the worst. That’s when the loneliness creeps up like an old, unwanted friend and climbs into your bed and reminds you that you’re alone. It pushes and prods at you until you have to let it in. You can’t keep it at bay forever. It wraps around you like a blanket; only it’s cold and never ending.

Finally, I give up and call Seth and Lyndsay to check in. After catching up with them I dial Axell. I’m sure he won’t answer but I call him anyway. It rings five times and I’m just about hang up not wanting to leave another unanswered voicemail. To my surprise the phone clicks on. “Hello,” Axell says and my heart does a little happy dance. His deep raspy voice wraps around every jagged nerve in my body and soothes every tense muscle. It’s like he’s breathing life into me. It’s funny how something so simple can give you such comfort.

Suddenly, my throat feels as if it has a lump the size of Aynor in it. I clear my throat. “Hey,” I manage to whisper out.

A silence hangs between us for a moment. I’ve been calling, texting, and e-mailing relentlessly so you would think that I would have plenty to say, but in this moment, I can’t find the words. Thankfully, Axell does. “How have you been?”

“I’m okay and you?” I ask.

“I’m okay too.”

I’m gnawing on my bottom lip for a moment. “How’s everything there?”

“Not too bad. The businesses are busier than ever, and Jovi has been behaving,” he tells me.

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