Page 29 of Need for Speed

Later that night once everyone is asleep, I decide to email Axell about my day. I know if we had left on better terms, I’d be calling him right now. I’d explain how my day went and he’d ask me about this or that. I’d listen to how his day went and what Jovi was up to. I’d let his voice cover my body in security and my eyes would start to drift shut from sleep.

I miss the deep rasp of his voice. I miss the warmth of his arms. I miss him, and I hate that we are in this spot, but I made a decision this afternoon while watching soap operas. I will fight for Axell. I will fight for our relationship. I will fight for me. I will call, text, and e-mail him every day. Even when he doesn’t reply I will continue because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Chapter 14

Axell

I wake to my head pounding and my stomach churning. I definitely drank way too much last night. I roll over and one of the springs from the couch pokes at my back. Ugh! I need to get a move on today. I have no plans, but I feel the urge to move forward. It’s been four days since I left L.A. I haven’t turned my cell phone back on, but I did call Bowie from the motel’s landline to check in. They’re all worried and I get it. To be perfectly honest, I’m worried. I don’t know if Sadie staying would have made a difference for me but I kind of wish I could have found out.

I’ve been driving along the coast of California, heading toward Mexico. I’ve raced every night. I feel slightly guilty about that but then I remember Sadie’s years of lying and shake off the guilt. Racing gives me a clear head, a new perspective. That’s the reason I haven’t turned on my phone. I have to figure this out on my own and for myself. Up until this point almost every decision in my life has been made based on someone else. This has to be for me, but I can’t do it by myself if I have my brothers and Sadie reaching out to me all day.

Slowly, I get up but the world around me still spins. I sit on the couch with my head between my knees for a few minutes. Once I feel like I can walk I head into the tiny and unclean bathroom. The motel room I ended up staying in last night was pretty disgusting. The sheets looked like they hadn’t been washed in a while, so I just crashed on the couch. I rinse my face with some water before hopping in the shower.

I’m ready to head out when I stop and decide to call Bowie really quick. Elsa picks up the phone and I ask to speak to Bowie. “This is Bowie.”

“Hey man, it’s me. How is everything?” I ask him.

He sighs. “Ax, everything is fine except that everyone is worried sick about you. What the hell is going on?”

I run my hands through my hair. “I know and I’m sorry that you guys are worried. I never meant to worry anyone just a lot of shit going on right now.”

“Ax, man, come on home. We’ll figure everything out together, we always do. It’s always us against the world and no matter what’s going on right now, it’ll be the same way. Just come home,” he pleads with me.

I sigh as I start to feel the urge to go back home coursing through my veins. Bowie is right it always has been us against the world. We fought for each other every time we had to. Leaving them hanging like this was a crap move but I still feel like I need to sort things out when it comes to Sadie and I’m not ready to tell them about that. “I’ll try and be home by the end of the week.”

“Good. Have you heard from Sadie?” Bowie asks.

“Yeah,” I lie, “She’s good, why?” I ask

“Just checking. I was wondering what she was thinking about you up and leaving the same day she did. Jovi aced his math test yesterday by the way.”

“Damn, that’s awesome. Have you heard from Ace?” I ask.

Bowie chuckles. “Yeah, heard from him yesterday. He’s having the time of his life, but I had to hang up on him because he was trying to make out with Kynlee and that was something I didn’t want to hear,” Bowie says while making a gagging noise.

I laugh but my mood changes quickly. “And Jagger?”

“He’s good. He’s got a bruise, but it doesn’t hurt his pretty face to be a little roughed up.” Bowie stops to laugh but stopswhen he realizes that I’m not laughing with him. “Ax, it’s okay. He’ll be fine, there was no real damage done. I think you just shocked him more than anything but it’s all good. Just come home, apologize, and hug it out. I’ll see you this weekend.”

“Yeah,” I tell him. We hang up and I head out to my car. Regardless of how I feel I need to head back home. I may have a lot to figure out, but I also have a job. Tillman’s car is just sitting around waiting to be finished up. If I hadn’t thrown a temper tantrum and ran off it’d be done by now.

As I get behind the wheel of my car, I feel the restless urge to be a speed demon. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Ever since the night of Ace’s wedding and racing the kid it’s been there, that incessant need for speed. I guess maybe it’s always been there, but I’ve never scratched at it, so it stayed muted, like a mosquito bite you try to ignore but the minute you scratch at the bite it becomes a constant itch. I start the car up and search my radio until I findBullet for my Valentineplaying. As I get onto the road, I turn the volume up and press the gas pedal down. Before I know it, I’m scratching that itch for speed.

****

It’s been almost a week since I left L.A. I wish I could say I was proud of the time I spent away but I’m not. I ran away from my problems and that is not something I’m proud of. That’s not my style and that’s not how I was raised. I spent part of time away racing away from problems and the other part drinking them away.

I head straight to the house when I arrive back in L.A. Jovi is out with his friend, Lance, but he’s obviously been keeping up with the yard work. Sadie’s garden of flowers are starting to bloom and the soil is wet, so he’s been keeping up with that as well. By looking at the house you would never know Sadie and I had both jumped ship recently.

I sigh at the thought of Sadie. The whole point of leaving was to try and find some peace with our situation and I didn’t. If anything, I’m more confused now than I was before. I love Sadie so much. The idea of letting her go or having a life without her just seems impossible to me. I just don’t want that, but at the same time how do you have a relationship without trust?

Our trust is damaged now because of Sadie’s lie. Even if I can kind of understand why she lied, it doesn’t fix the fact that she lied. I’m supposed to be the one person she can trust with anything and for whatever reason she never felt she could trust me enough to tell me. I have to figure out how to stop that from happening again before we can move forward.

I walk through the house without really looking at it. I just want to shower in my own place before I head into work. I run a hand over my full beard. I definitely need to trim it down too. Once I’m showered and cleaned up, I throw on some clothes and head to the shop. I still haven’t turned my cell phone back on. The thought of seeing Sadie’s messages or listening to voicemails is still too much right now.

I’m actually surprised that Sadie didn’t leave a note before she left. It’s not like her to leave things so unresolved. I assumed I’d come home to a note of some sort since I hadn’t been home when she got here from Ace’s wedding. I scan the room one last time just to be sure I didn’t miss it, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary.

Once I get to the shop I’m greeted by my employees. It’s lunch time so Jagger isn’t at the shop right now and Bowie should be at the radio station since it’s his day to host the show. At least I don’t have to face my brothers just yet. I take a seat behind my desk to catch up on paperwork, but I find that it’s already been done. I grab my office phone and dial Tillman’s number. He answers on the third ring. “Hello.”

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