Page 27 of Need for Speed

As I pull up to the house, I’m shocked to see a cab in front. I shouldn’t be because I’m not sure how else I expected Sadie to get to the airport. Jovi should have taken her instead of letting her take a cab, but if he was asleep there’s no way Sadie would wake him up. I walk over to the cab and lean in the passenger side window. “You can go ahead and leave. I got stuck in traffic and we weren’t sure I’d make it in time. Thank you,” I tell him as I hand him a twenty-dollar bill for his time. He pulls away from the curb and I look down to check the time on my watch. Sadieshould be leaving any time now so instead of going inside I wait outside the car. The early morning air is fresh, and I breathe deeply while trying to decide what I’m going to say or do. By the time I see the front door opening I still have no clue.

Sadie steps out onto the porch and I take a moment to memorize everything about her. Her hair is pulled up into a messy ponytail. She’s dressed for a day of travel in jeans and a band t-shirt. She slips her shades over her eyes before she realizes that I’m in here in place of the cab. I can tell she is shocked by the sudden intake of breath. I move toward her and reach around to take her luggage. Once it’s placed in the trunk of the car, I open the passenger side door for her, but she is still frozen in the same spot. I motion for her to come and eventually she begins moving again. As she passes by me her honeysuckle scent moves through the air and the ache it creates in my heart is almost unbearable.

Once she’s safely inside, I shut the door and make my way around to the driver’s side. As I pull into the traffic an awkward silence fills the air. That was always the thing about Sadie and I, we never suffered from awkward silence, until now. Everything is different now. Sadie wrings her hands that lie in her lap; her sign that she is nervous. I hate that she’s nervous but how do I soothe her when I’m on edge myself?

By the time we reach the airport Sadie and I still haven’t spoken a word to one another. I know that we both have plenty to say, yet our throats are clogged when we need the words the most. My emotions rage on the inside but I seem as calm as can be on the outside. As I park, I go to get out of the car, but Sadie stops me. “I got it.” I sit back even more uncertain what to do. Sadie takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry Axell. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to intentionally lie to you. The story was something my mom created, and I followed her. By the time I knew I needed to tell you I just didn’t know how and that’s mymistake. I own that and I’m sorry, but you have to know I love you. I’ll always love you,” she tells me as she leans over and presses a kiss to my cheek. She leaves the car in a rush with nothing but the warmth from her mouth lingering on my cheek and the scent of her perfume filling the car.

I don’t know how long I sit in the parking lot staring at the people as they move around. Finally, I pull out and head to the shop. Throwing myself into work seems like the only thing I can do right now. I always had two distractions when I was younger; work and racing. Then I exchanged racing for Sadie and now I’m left with just work.

The memory of racing the punk kid at the red light comes flooding back as I pull into the shop. The feeling of being behind the wheel at extreme speeds consumes me yet again. I have an itch to race, but I know I won’t. That itch has been there for years. I’ve ignored it this long and I’ll continue now.

Agitation fills my every movement. I unlock the doors and open the shop for the day. It’s a couple hours earlier than normal but it doesn’t matter. I get busy with paperwork before starting work on Tillman’s cars. Most of the parts we needed arrived yesterday. I have the radio on filling the silence of the shop. Bowie’s voice comes through the speakers since he’s hosting the show this morning. I listen for a moment before getting back to work.

Before I know it the rest of the workers start to arrive. They greet me good morning and I try not to be a jerk to them. My foul mood is not their fault so I’m trying not to take it out on them. Jagger shows up about ten minutes before noon. He works at the shop most of time and at Londynn’s dance studio, Tip Toes, cleaning the place up and what not.

Jagger approaches me. “Hey man, what happened to you and Sadie last night? You guys just disappeared.”

I shrug without looking at him. “It was just time to go.”

Jagger scoffs and I can feel him studying me. “That’s all you’re going to say because Londynn mentioned seeing Sadie leave in your car but never saw you.”

I stand up and level Jagger with a glare. “Maybe, Londynn should mind her own damn business.”

“She was minding her own damn business. She was just worried, that’s all. What the hell has gotten into you?” Jagger asks.

I growl in frustration. “You and your damn twenty questions. I didn’t realize I need to get permission from you every time I made a decision or went somewhere.” I move past him, nudging his shoulder as I go, but Jagger isn’t dumb. He knows something is wrong and he isn’t going to let it go.

I hear him following me. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re pissed, and I know you. You’re worse than Bowie when you’re pissed, you only see red.”

I turn around and come toe-to-toe with my brother, barely an inch between us. “Back off Jagger.”

“Is this because Sadie left this morning?”

At the mention of her name I feel my façade fall. I’ve been trying to keep it together, trying to keep the red at bay, but Jagger couldn’t just let it go. Before I even realize it my fist flies toward Jagger’s jaw. It’s almost as if the world is spinning in slow motion. I watch as my fist connects with Jagger’s jaw. I feel the ache in my knuckles as it radiates up my arm. Jagger’s head pops back before he stumbles into the car behind him. My breathing is labored, and Jagger’s eyes are wide in shock.

I attempt to take a deep breath but the weight of what I just did comes crashing down. I shake my head and try to mumble an apology, but I can’t make anything on my body work except my feet. My body begins to move backwards until I turn around and jog to my car. As I slide behind the wheel of the car, I take my first deep breath of air. I rake my hands through my hair beforepounding my fists on the steering wheel. Throwing my car into drive I peel out of the lot and onto the street, barely missing the oncoming traffic.

Chapter 12

Axell

I speed away.

Away from the shop.

Away from Jagger.

Away from life.

Away from everything.

I push down on the accelerator and the car jolts forward and I feel some of the tension ease from my body. Before I know it, I’m doing fifty miles per hour. Seventy miles per hour. Ninety miles per hour. I maneuver in and out of traffic. Horns blast around me, the air whips against my face. The music can barely be heard over all the noise. I drive until my muscles start to ache. Finally, they attempt to relax a little.

I pull over on the side of the road and try to replay the events in my mind. I try to figure out how everything changed so quickly. I thought that I was handling everything pretty well. I didn’t feel angry. I was trying to understand but then I slipped. I lost control and I hit Jagger. No, I hit my brother. I rest my head against the steering wheel as the shame fills me.

I was supposed to always protect my brothers, that was my promise to my mother. A promise that was just broken. My life is spiraling out of control and I don’t know how to stop it. Normally, when I feel like this I go to Sadie. I confide in her and she finds the right words to comfort me. Not now, she’s not here and even if she was, I don’t know if I can trust her now. How can you not trust someone but need them at the same time? It’s a contradiction. I’ve become a walking contradiction of emotions. I’m lost and my only light to guide me back home is gone.

I do the only thing I know to do right now. I text Bowie and tell him to take care of Jovi and the shop. I turn my phone off and pull back on to the road. I’m no good for anyone at this point. I need to figure my shit out so leaving is the only option. Maybe, I’ll be back at some point. Maybe, Sadie and I will figure it all out. Maybe, we won’t. I don’t know. So, I drive.

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