Page 25 of Need for Speed

“How about the truth man?”

I finish eating before I break down everything for him. I relay most of the story that Sadie told me. Tillman never interrupts. He only asks two questions, how I feel about Sadie’s confession. I replied with, “I’m pissed.” Which is the truth. Tillman runs hishands over his face. He looks exhausted. “Look, I don’t know much about relationships and I get why you’d be pissed but is it worth throwing your entire relationship away for? Is it worth getting a divorce?”

His words start to wrap around my brain and the only answer I can come up with is no. Yes, I’m pissed and for good reason. Yes, I’m hurt that Sadie didn’t tell me the truth. I’ll always wish she had, but I guess in some way I understand that she was trying to protect Drake. In some way whether it was wrong or right she thought she was doing the right thing and that I can respect. However, as pissed as I am, I still can’t imagine my life without Sadie in it. I don’t even want to try. I know that I can move on from this, but I don’t know how quickly. That’s the problem. I don’t want to be one of those people who punish someone else for the mistake she made in her past, but how do you just forgive and forget? How do you just move on?

Tillman pulls me from my thoughts. “I didn’t mean to make your brain work that hard with those questions.”

“You didn’t,” I tell him while shaking my head.

“Look, I think the most important question to ask yourself is do you love her? Love and I mean real love, is hard to come by now days. Real love lasts but most of this stuff now days is fleeting, just something to pass the time or make you forget you’re lonely. From what little I know about the two of you I’d say it’s real. You made a selfless decision at a time when you were meant to be selfish based on the love you have for her. Do you regret that?” Tillman asks.

“No, not for a single second, but I raced tonight.”

Tillman’s eyes go wide. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“It just happened. Some punk kid came up beside me at a red light and revved his engine and the next thing I knew I did the same,” I explain.

Tillman shakes his head. “Please, tell me you weren’t so rusty that you let the punk win?”

I chuckle. “Nope, you forget I own these streets.”

“You used to own these streets, but it’s been a while. I’m happy you won though.” I raise my eyebrows in question. “That’s my car you were driving. I can’t have people thinking I let some punk beat me.”

I laugh. “Oh, we can’t have that.”

Tillman shakes his head. “No, we can’t.” After a few moments of silence Tillman speaks again. “Go home Axell and talk to Sadie.”

A heavy sigh escapes me. “I still don’t know what to say.”

“The truth. You said she’s leaving for a bit. That gives you both time to think and clear your head, but don’t let her leave like this. She’ll leave thinking you hate her and that there’s no hope. That’s how things end up becoming messy and ending badly. So, go home, tell her the truth about what you’re feeling so you can both move forward. The time apart probably won’t be a bad idea but at least let her know there’s still a chance for the two of you to move forward,” Tillman says.

He’s always shocking me. You don’t think he’d be so insightful, but then he goes and gives a speech like that and you can’t help but be impressed. “Damn, I didn’t see that coming from you but thanks. Meet me at the shop later?”

“Yeah, I got to get my car back at some point,” Tillman tells me. I’m almost out the door when he calls out to me “Good luck.”

I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

Chapter 11

Sadie

You always think you know exactly what you’d do in certain situations. For example, my current one, I always knew I’d fight for Axell no matter what. I always knew I’d never let him walk away from me without fighting first, without saying the words to keep him. He’s the love of my life so it made sense to me. Yet, here I am, standing perfectly still and silent. My head is screaming, my heart is on a rampage trying to beat out of my body to follow him as he walks away. My eyes betray me as the tears fall down my face. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t fight for him. I just stood here and accepted this fate. You may think you know what you’d do in a certain situation, but truth is you don’t. You never know what you’ll do, what you’ll say, or how you’ll react until you are in the situation. No matter how many times you play it out in your head, no matter how many times you practice the words, nothing truly prepares you for the moment. The weight of the words being spoken, released out into the air so that everyone can see your flaws.

I don’t care about anyone else seeing my flaws. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. From the time I moved to Aynor, South Carolina. It was small enough that the only thing they had to pass the time was gossip. A new pregnant teenage girl with bruises and cuts covering her body was more than enough to start the whispers and stares. Even after the bruises faded and the cuts healed, they still whispered about me. I’d walk into a place and it’d all be completely silent. It was a little too obvious if you asked me. People avoided me like I was the plague. I understood that part. I knew how I looked in their eyes. Maybe, that’s why I kept the truth from Axell for so long. Henever looked at me the way they did. When he looked at me it set off a flutter of butterflies. He saw something more in me.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ve lost that too. I stand in the sand staring at Axell’s back until I can no longer see him. I stand there until my legs begin to cramp from not moving. Eventually, I see Hollis at the back doors. She spots me and moves to open the door, but I shake my head. She stops, confusion written on her face. I move then, I don’t know how but I make myself move away from the house. I move toward the car, Axell’s car. As I slide behind the wheel I’m engulfed in his scent and it rips at my already tattered heart. The smell of his aftershave and musky cologne wraps around me. Laying my head against the steering wheel I sob until there’s nothing left. His scent used to bring me comfort, but now it breaks me.

I don’t know what to do or where to go. All I know is that Axell is gone and I can’t go home, not right now anyways. I start the car and Axell’s music fills the car just another reminder of his absence. He’s everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I move the station until I find some acoustic station. The lyrics call to my tired soul, they pull me in and I let them. The soulful voices of the singers are like a calm to me.

I drive and drive until my eyes feel heavy and I have to stop. I end up at the one place I know I can always go. The one person who has never judged me. The one person I can always count on, Seth. Tears prick the back of my eyes again as I move blindly for his front door. I ring the tiny doorbell and wait. Time has no meaning right now. I could have stood on his doorstep for just a second or maybe an hour. I don’t know, and it really makes no difference. For the first time in over a decade, I have nowhere to be, no one waiting for me to come home, no one that cares if I do.

Seth opens the door looking as if he just rolled out of bed. It dawns on me then that maybe he has just rolled out of bed. I don’t even know what time it is. Seth takes one look at me whilewhispering, “What the hell?” before he pulls me into his arms and slamming the door. He walks me to the couch with an arm wrapped around my shoulders. He sits in front of me on the coffee table. “Sadie, what happened?” I give him what I would guess to be a pointed look and he runs his hands through his untamed hair. “Shit.”

“I told him everything,” I whisper into the darkened room. Seth reaches for my hands. His hands are large and warm. They are worn and rough from years of surfing. Oddly enough, they remind me of Axell’s which causes a sob to burst through. “I told him everything and he didn’t even seem mad really. Just hurt. Oh my god, I hurt him Seth. I never wanted to hurt him.”

Seth moves to sit next to me and pulls me into his side. “I know you didn’t and deep down Axell knows that too. Right now, it’s all fresh and what not. He just needs time Sadie.”

“What if time doesn’t fix this? I leave tomorrow, and I don’t even know for sure when I’ll be back. What if we don’t talk the whole time I’m gone? Do I come back here if we don’t, or do I stay in South Carolina and try to make a life for Drake and I? That’s if Drake even wants anything to do with me, I can’t blame him if he didn’t,” I say through sobs. I’m not even sure how Seth understands anything I say, but in true Seth fashion he hears everything and gives me exactly what I need to hear.

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