Page 23 of Need for Speed

A look of confusion crosses his face. “Baby, what are you talking about?” he asks as he pulls me into his arms. “I know you, Sadie.”

I shake my head and try to pull away from him, but he won’t let me go. “No, you don’t. You just think you do. I’ve been living this lie for so long,” I tell him. The worst part is that I know Axell. He would have accepted me and my past. He would have accepted everything if I had just had the courage to tell him.

“Sadie, I don’t know what’s going on?”

It’s time to accept my fate. “I know you don’t and that’s my fault and I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I’ll tell you everything.”

Axell releases me and walks over to sit on the steps then pats the spot next to him. I follow his lead and take a seat. The warmth from his body warms my cold soul. My soul knows what’s coming and it’s shut itself off in order to protect the pain that will follow. I’m trying to find the courage when Axell reaches over and takes my hands in his. “Sadie, you can tell me anything. You know that. Nothing you tell me can make me not love you.”

As much as I love those words, I wish he hadn’t said them. What I’m about to tell him will change everything. There’s a very good possibility he won’t love me after this. “I love you for saying that but don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I’ll always keep that one,” he replies with a matter of fact tone.

I sigh and let the memories of my past come crashing back on me, just like the waves crashing into the shore. “You know I wasn’t actually from South Carolina. I only lived there about ayear before I moved here. Before that we lived in Tennessee. My mom and I had always been really close so when she met Dale, I hated him. I didn’t want him around. I started acting out. I thought it would scare Dale off, but it didn’t. One night I went with my friends to the local bowling alley. We were standing outside trying to act like we were a lot cooler than we were at the time when he pulled up. I remember feeling the vibration coming from the ground and the roar of the engine as the motorcycle approached. He pulled up and parked not even ten feet away from us. He put his cigarette out while checking us out. The look he gave me sent chills all over my spine. He had tattoos and an eyebrow piercing. He was your typical biker. I knew he would be a good way to piss my mom off and maybe make Dale leave. He smirked as he passed us. We quickly decided to follow him inside. We were bowling when he came up and offered to give me tips on how to bowl. I took his offer. I ended up climbing onto the back of the bike that night as he gave me a ride home, much to my mother’s dismay. He told me his name was Josh and we exchanged numbers. I didn’t really plan on seeing him again but then he called me, and I figured why not?”

“Josh was your typical bad boy; alcohol, drugs, in and out of jail for fights, girls throwing themselves at him willingly, and of course he took it. I quickly felt myself giving into the pressure of what he wanted. Before I knew it, I was in over my head. Looking back, I see the small signs leading up to all the issues, but you know when you’re that young you don’t really even think about them. Anyways, my mother and Dale announced their engagement which only pushed me closer to Josh. They both didn’t like or trust him and for good reason. He had a well-earned reputation but at that point I wouldn’t listen to them. I was angry at my mom for wanting to add Dale to the family. I was angry at Dale for taking my mom away from me. I was just angry, and I felt like I had no one except Josh. He was technicallyalways there when I needed him, but our relationship was far from great. My family, my friends, even some teachers tried to tell me to get away from him, but I was hell bent on proving them all wrong. When Josh told me he loved me, I believed him like the naïve girl I was.”

Axell’s face is pale and his lips are drawn in forming a hard line. I take a deep breath before continuing. “He went in and out of rehab, but it never stuck. The last time he came out things were different. It was like something clicked and he realized he needed to change. He told me it was because he loved me, and I believed him again. Hearing him say that put me on cloud nine. Everything was perfect for a few months then he went missing one weekend. I was worried sick, literally. I was throwing up and dizzy. I was a mess. There was a rumor that he was seen on his motorcycle with some of his old buddies, but I didn’t want to believe them. I wanted to believe that he really had changed. He called me after three days and said he needed to see me, so I went to meet up with him. I was just about to leave when he finally showed up. I knew the minute he staggered off the bike that we were back to step one. I knew he had left with those friends and fallen off the wagon…again. In that moment I was so angry. Those three days had been hell for me. Not just because I was worried about him, but because I found out my sickness was much more than that. I was pregnant. I was pregnant by this drunken drug addict that couldn’t stay sober over a couple of months at a time. I was so angry at him and myself.”

I can’t look at Axell not now. I just told him my biggest secret but there’s still so much to say. “With every step he took toward me my anger grew. He tried to tell me he was sorry when he saw the look on my face, but I cut him off. I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t let my heart make this decision for me because it wasn’t just about me anymore. I was going to have a baby and it didn’t need this crap in its life. Josh’s anger had always been atits worst when he had been on a binger. I should have waited but I just couldn’t. I told him I was done and that he had to make a decision. It was either this lifestyle and his friends or me and our baby. Needless, to say he didn’t want a baby at the moment. Our anger got the best of us. Remember those signs that I mentioned I overlooked?”

I raise my head to look at him and he just nods. “Well, Josh had been abusive in the past but nothing that seemed serious. He’d get jealous and grab my arm too hard or something like that. This night was different though. He grabbed my arm and got in my face about giving him an ultimatum. Things escalated from there. I just remember crying and begging but he wouldn’t stop. Finally, his sister and her boyfriend showed up and got him off of me. They rushed me to the hospital. They didn’t expect the baby to make it. Hell, I was lucky to make it.” I don’t even realize I’m crying until Axell reaches up and wipes the tears away.

“My mom and Dale were livid. They worried something like this would happen. My mom and Dale sat in my room the next morning while they thought I was asleep and discussed moving to get me away from Josh. At that point I wanted nothing else to do with him, but we lived in a small town and he’d be impossible to escape. When I really woke up, we made a decision to move. Dale had lived in South Carolina before, so it seemed like the perfect place. The day I was released from the hospital was the day we left. Everything was already packed up and, in the vehicles, when the nurse wheeled me out of the hospital. Josh was still in jail, but I wasn’t pressing charges, so he’d be released soon. I just wanted to move past this part of my life,” I tell Axell.

Axell clears his throat. “Can I ask something?” I nod in response, terrified of his question. “Why didn’t you press charges?”

“I thought about it. My mom, Dale, and I discussed it but if I pressed charges then there’d be a court date and I’d have to goback. I just wanted to move on, so I didn’t press charges. I left town before he was released and never looked back.”

“And the baby?”

I sigh. “The doctor told me every chance he got just how lucky I was to be alive. We told Josh’s parents that I lost the baby. That’s why I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t let him be around the baby. It was my job to protect it now. The baby had fought to live, and I had to give it a chance. Josh never wanted the baby anyways. I had the baby and luckily, he was healthy. Problem was…I wasn’t. I was already depressed and having him sent me into postpartum. I tried to be a mom for a couple of months, but it became pretty clear that I couldn’t do it. My mental state just wasn’t there. So, I signed my rights over to my mom and I went into a rehab facility to help me with my depression. That’s where I figured out, I wanted to be a nurse. When I was released my mom already had my stuff packed up and a plane ticket ready. She sent me here to live with my dad. At first, I argued, but she had already made up her mind.”

“Then I got here and got to be around Seth and that made things seem easier. I had planned on going back after graduation, but I met you and I fell in love. It was all so different from what I’d went through with Josh. What we had was real and for the first time in a couple of years I was happy, but it was a lie. Time kept passing and before long I started to believe the lie. My dad and Seth were the only ones who knew. They weren’t going to say anything, so the lie became my life and the truth got buried but now Dale is gone, and my mom is dying, and Drake is just there. I have to go but I had to tell you first. It’s been eating at me since I first found out about my mom.”

Axell rubs his hands over his face before standing and walking a little way away from me. The distance hurts but I know him well enough to know he needs time to process all of this. He begins to pace back and forth. Finally, after what seems likean eternity he stops and turns around to face me. The look of betrayal is like a dagger to my heart. The hurt is clear as day and I’m the one that caused it. I put that look on his face. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

I squeeze my eyes shut and look away. All of my answers seem useless at this point because none of them were good enough reasons to not tell him. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

“You’re kidding right?” he asks, his voice harsher than before.

I stand up, but I don’t move toward him. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? I’m sorry Axell. I really am, and I know you probably don’t believe me, but I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to lie to you. I was trying to protect Drake in the beginning. Then I wanted to be able to give him the life he deserved and by the time I could my mom wouldn’t sign the rights back over to me. I was stuck Axell. I was a dumb girl who fell for the wrong guy and ended up in a situation I never thought I would. I didn’t know how to fix it and I was terrified of this,” I tell him motioning between us, “I was terrified of losing you and everything we have.”

“Everything we have is a lie!” he yells into the night.

I flinch at his words. “No! What we have is real. I just made a mistake, but I never lied when I said I loved you.”

I watch as his head falls back, his hands in his pockets. I want to reach out and touch him. I want to fix the hurt I just caused. I want to go back in time and tell him the truth from the moment he told me about his mom, but I can’t. I can’t go back. I can’t fix this. I can only hope he forgives me at some point. “I wish it was that easy.”

“Why can’t it be?” I ask him.

He stares at me for a moment and I see the war waging within him. The way he’s looking at me is killing me. It’s like he’s trying to figure out who I am while saying goodbye. My heartslams around in my chest. “You were supposed to be able to trust me. I was supposed to protect you and that meant Drake too, but I didn’t get to because I didn’t know. I didn’t know because somewhere in you there was doubt. You doubted that you could trust me and without trust we have nothing. Love is not enough. Love and trust go hand in hand,” Axell says it so quietly that I strain to hear his words against the crashing of the waves. He approaches me and holds out the keys to his car. “I’ll stay with Bowie tonight.” Axell turns around and walks back toward the house while I sink onto the steps, keys in hand and cry out every last tear I have at the moment.

Chapter 10

Axell

Walking away from Sadie right now is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. A part of me is staying with her, it always will. She owns the best parts of me. At the end of the day I’m hers. Right now, though, I feel like I don’t know anything. I feel like I don’t know what is going on. Everything I thought I knew, I don’t. The one person I thought would never lie to me, never hurt me, just did and in the worse way.

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