Page 36 of Cosmic Captain

Sweat gathered on my forehead, and I shivered. I didn’t think I wanted that even with Seth. I could force myself to, if it was him, but panic wouldn’t be far from my thoughts if we had sex. And it shouldn’t be like that.

Hell, I’d loved casual sex before all this. I loved kissing, touching, and everything that came with it. I needed to go back to who I was. Not this terrified weakling, but the confident man who had fun.

“So are you still going to keep pursuing Seth?” Teddy asked, and I had no answer.

Was I? I loved him. I did, but I didn’t want to make him sad, which I would if I kept this up. Even if I had Seth, I didn’t think I wanted to stay, because I wanted to get rid of these memories. And Earth was how I would do it. Earth was the only way to be free, and I needed it like I needed to breathe. Ihadto be myself again.

I wouldn’t remember Teddy, though. I wouldn’t remember seeing Seth again. They would be gone along with the bad.

“Are you happy?” I asked him.

“This again.” Teddy said slowly, “Ridiculously happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life.”

While his voice was even and his face betrayed none of those feelings, I nodded. “I think Seth is happy too.”

“He seems happy to me. He’s always staring at his baby.”

I wouldn’t remember them. Well, that wasn’t strictly true. I’d remember Seth from before, but not that he was married to an alien prince. But me not knowing Teddy or that Seth was safe wouldn’t matter. They would be happy. I didn’t have to remember that for it to be true. They would be living their lives content, and I could be free from everything; I’d return to who I was.

Was it selfish to leave them? Probably. But I deserved to be a tad selfish. I deserved to be happy, didn’t I? Maybe I didn’t. I sighed. I had no fucking clue. Why was everything so tangled up?

“What’s going through your head?” Teddy asked.

“I’m thinking about going home.”

“You are?” Teddy sat up straight. “You’re not close to your family. I assumed you would stay.”

I shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I want to go home?”

“Me. Seth.”

I gave him a sad smile. “I would miss you.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” he said. “You wouldn’t remember me. You wouldn’t remember us. You wouldn’t remember anything that happened to us.”

Teddy got to his feet and stalked toward the door, and I didn’t blame him. I was basically telling him that he and Seth weren’t enough, which was a fucking slap in the face, especially after everything that we’d been through together.

“Please don’t tell Seth.”

He grunted and left.

My head fell back against the arm of the couch. I should’ve told him the truth about… everything. If I explained why I wanted to go home, he would’ve understood. Wouldn’t he? The words refused to come. I didn’t want him to look at me like I was broken or weak. I should’ve fought more, but after the beatings and punishments, the lack of food, and the never-ending darkness, I stopped. Letting customers fuck me seemed easier.

I couldn’t live with these memories. I couldn’t live with myself. I couldn’t.

First things first. I had to find out if I could stay and have my memories removed. Who would know that? Immediately, I thought of Don and his sleeping face next to mine.

Thoughts of this morning wouldn’t leave my mind, no matter how much I tried to banish them. I’d woken up to my hand on Vince’s face and his forehead pressed against mine. He’d been asleep and curled up against me. I’d been surrounded by his crisp scent and his warm presence. I hadn’t wanted to leave. I’d wanted to stay there forever.

When he woke up, I’d braced for his terror, but he grinned and stretched, leaving me to follow the movement and the tantalizing glimpses of his bare skin. I’d wondered for all of one moment about him not being upset by my close presence, then he’d thought about snuggling against me. Not only that. He’d felt safe.Ihad made him feel safe.

I was a captain in the Planetary Navy. I was a soldier. An older brother. I’d protected a lot of people over my life, but none had felt as satisfying as making Vince feel safe.

My arms had ached to pull him close, but I’d resisted. His sleepy smile had made it far harder than it should’ve been.

Sitting in Command, reading scans and notes on my screen, should’ve kept my thoughts from Vince, but it didn’t. I had to actively stop my inner fire from seeking him out across the ship. I doubted I’d be able to hear his thoughts at this distance, but I could probably feel the ebb and flow of his mind, which I was desperate for.

Forcing my thoughts away from Vince yet again, I focused on finishing my shift. When we were in Coalition space, I didn’t remain in Command the entire time. I usually sat in Command and made sure everything was running correctly before retreating to my office to go over reports. Soon, I wouldhave the privacy to allow my thoughts to wander more than when my senior officers were right beside me.

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