Page 44 of Gideon's Gratitude

Trudging to the kettle, I filled it with water and set it to boil. Some peppy tea this morning was in order. I loved coffee, but the potent brew messed with my sleep. Like last night. Shouldn’t have had the java at Fifties. Half a night of tossing and turning. Not good.

I stretched, trying to work out the kinks. I’d skipped my exercises yesterday and was likely to pay for that today as well. After scouting out bread and peanut butter, I opened the door, and an enthusiastic Lucky barreled in.

I touched the dog’s damp back. No rain, but clearly there was misting.Have to check the forecast. And today was group chat. I had an hour to make myself presentable. I resisted video, but the other men insisted.

Adrian admitted, privately, he needed the connection. His isolation was as deep as my own.

Geoffrey kept his camera off, but Lance and Val kept theirs on.

We five men were as different as we could be, but with one thing in common. We’d all lost custody of our children and were barred from seeing them for various reasons.

When I discovered this group, I’d been leery. Why would these guys be out in the cold? Except I was, so perhaps they had valid reasons as well.

Geoffrey’s ex had moved back to Spain, leaving him in San Diego with no way to see them.

Lance’s ex had a restraining order against him because he’d tried to see the kids during a non-scheduled visit. Something he’d likely never stop regretting. Plus, he had gambled away the trust funds of his children, left to them by their grandparents. His ex had threatened to report him to the authorities if he didn’t back down on his request for joint custody. Since being a felon would mean jailandlosing his kids, he opted to stay away.

Adrian’s story was the most heartbreaking. As a teacher, he’d been accused by a student of molestation. Obviously, he’d lost his job, his family, and he’d been arrested. By the time the student recanted and admitted he’d made the whole thing up, the damage had been done.

In the end, it turned out the boywasbeing molested—by a friend of the family. The young man wanted help, but was terrified of the consequences of being honest.

By then it’d been too late. The school offered Adrian back the job he loved, but he was on constant supervision. The police had apologized for the arrest and had gone public with the exoneration. Too little. Too late. The marriage hadn’t been the most solid to start with, and the fact his ex booted him without even being willing to hear his side of the story hadn’t helped. Adrian figured with being cleared, he’d at least have access to his children.

That hadn’t happened. The ex-wife’s lawyer continued to throw up roadblock after roadblock. The ex had a wealthy family backing her, while Adrian struggled to make ends meet.

Fucking divorce lawyers.

We’d found each other in an online-group setting, but we’d been shut down because of the accusation made against Adrian. We’d moved to a secure server and a video platform. Geoffrey paid the fees, even though he never appeared on camera. Our ragtag support group was most of the reason I was able to go on.

And Lucky.

Couldn’t forget the dog.

I scooped the food into the bowl and said pooch attacked it ravenously.

Lucky’d been slightly annoyed at having been left alone for several hours last night. No damage had been done, and, by bedtime, all had been forgiven. The mutt had a perfectly good dog bed at the foot ofmine. Yet somehow, most mornings, I had company in my own bed. The dog sprawled.

Good thing I didn’t have any nocturnal companions.

And I don’t need the hassle.

Liar.

God, I hated the voices in my head. They’d always been there. A constant companion to a lonely child. In the early days, they’d been a friend. Growing up, they’d morphed into that of my parents—always chastising me. As an adult, the voice had been my boss’s—always riding me.

These days?

Leo. Not the sweet Leo from the best days of our marriage. No, of course not. The judgemental Leo who ripped our family apart and blamed me. The cruel Leo who kept me from my children. The immovable Leo who believed I was a malingerer. Another five-dollar word. One I was intimately acquainted with.

I washed down the peanut butter toast with my cooling tea. Life felt complicated and yet achingly simple at the same time. I needed to put one foot in front of the other. I needed to support the men in the group. Then I needed to find the courage to video chat with the kids.

Easy, right?

Yeah, so not.

I put my plate in the sink upon realizing the dishwasher needed to be emptied. Which reminded me of the laundry. I’d put fresh sheets on the bed last night, but the rest of the stuff was in a pile.Good thing I don’t care about wrinkles.

Perversely, I wished Archer hadn’t stripped the bed. I would’ve loved to sink into the sheets that smelled like the man. A distinctive scent. Something unexpected and hard to nail down. Definitely awoodsy scent, which seemed odd, given the man was city through and through. If there’d been cologne, it’d been washed away by the rain.

---